Looking for a musical gift with a meaningful message? Consider my debut CD with songs to inspire you. Click the link to order online, or head for Mustard Seed in Columbus and ask for "One God Many Moods." And while you're here, enjoy some humorous thoughts about the area I call home.

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21 DEC 03: GUYS WHO CAN'T COMMIT

LAUGHLINE RERUN: In light of our taking in a homeless man this past week, we remember the last person we tried to help get into the Salvation Army. Here's what we wrote for the LaughLine of 14 Sep 00, with some updated thoughts to follow:

As we took a walk near LaughLine World Headquarters [my apartment] Wednesday afternoon, a man wearing a blue bandana on his head approached us.

"I'm trying to get a dollar, to buy a hot dog."

We didn't have any money on us, but offered to walk the block back to World Headquarters to provide help for him.

"I've got some hot dog buns," the man clarified, "so all I need are the wieners." We had three leftover franks in our refrigerator, which could make this simple. But the man didn't stop there.

"I need to get five dollars, to get into the Salvation Army for the night." We're still a block from our wallet, yet the stated need has changed twice.

"I need you to make up your mind, about what you want. A hot dog, wieners for the hot dog, or a night at the Salvation Army?"

"The Salvation Army," the man said, adding he was homeless and had spent two months on probation. (For what he didn't say.)

I stepped inside World Headquarters and grabbed my wallet with nine dollars in it. The man waiting outside explained as we walked to my car that he hid a tote bag in the neighborhood overnight, but forgot where. If we simply give him the five dollars, he can walk to the Salvation Army and find the bag on the way. But we offered to save him steps on a 90-degree day, and drive him there.

As we began the ride, the homeless man said, "I didn't know you lived around here." Well, I pointed out, we'd never met before - so you didn't know anything about me in the first place!

The man recalled hiding his tote bag behind a bush near a downtown hotel. We drive by the bush, but the bag is gone -- containing, the man claims, all his identification. (And, we can only assume, his hot dog buns.) The beggar left it there Tuesday night, when he got drunk after someone bought him a six-pack of beer. "I can get a new tote bag for six dollars," the needy man said.

"But you don't even have a dollar for a hot dog...." I pointed out. We rolled on toward the Salvation Army, but the beggar's mind changed again.

"Can you give me six bucks for a tote bag?" He decided a tote bag is more important than the Salvation Army, even though the lack of identification is the real issue. I decided to draw a line, since the Salvation Army might be able to provide a tote bag and other assistance. That's what the man said he wanted, so that's where we're going.

One problem: the homeless man doesn't want to go there anymore. "Take me back downtown," he demanded I noted we WERE downtown. "Then take me to BTW!" -- the Booker T. Washington housing complex, where he claimed to have friends.

"But you said you needed to get into the Salvation Army!" I argued. "They're able to help you, and that's what you want, isn't it????"

No, it's not. The man then tried to get out of the car - while it was in motion - as he demanded I pull over and stop to let him out. I explained we were close to the Salvation Army - and in fact, we arrived at the parking lot with the man practically surfing along on the passenger's side open door, as we crossed a high bridge. We stopped in a parking spot, and the man got out - then started walking in the other direction from the door.

"We're at the Salvation Army! Don't you want help?"

"Pay me the five dollars, to get in!"

"I can go in and pay the five dollars...." Not good enough. The man walked back toward downtown, and never turned back.

Since I was there, I went inside the Salvation Army and asked a man how much it REALLY costs for a man to stay there overnight. For the first three nights in a 90-night period - nothing. It's eight dollars a night after that, but they won't turn away anyone with a financial need. Hmmmmm......

BLOG UPDATE: As I review this true story from three years ago, I wonder why both the homeless man and I didn't think about going into the then-Hilton Hotel and asking it the staff had that tote bag -- and if they helped themselves to any money inside, as a tip.

Why didn't I simply give the man one dollar for a hot dog? For one thing, he said he had hot dog buns. If I cooked the franks sitting at home, it would be a match made in sidewalk heaven.

So why didn't I give the homeless man five dollars to enter the Salvation Army? Because if I do that and walk away, there's no guarantee the man will use that money for what he says. For all I know, his idea of "salvation" on a hot day may come from a six-pack of beer.

To this day, I can't tell you why the homeless man stood up in the passenger-side doorway as we crossed the Second Avenue bridge. He wasn't holding a camera or anything....

E-MAIL UPDATE: Our "moral dilemma" about a Piggly Wiggly gift certificate [14 Dec] has brought this suggestion:

Hey Richard - I'm writing in response to your "pig" dilemma.

I'm sure that this will not help matters much, as they are a subsidiary of the Pig, but you can redeem said certificate at any Lewis Jones Store in lieu of walking into the Pig.

Otherwise, buy up all their filet mignon...and live like a king!

Best wishes,

Cory O.

Thanks for the suggestion, Cory - but as I think any farmer would tell you, a "Pig" by any other name is still a Pig. Any other thoughts?

COMING MONDAY: How the "fleas" live.... and our year in review begins....

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.