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14 DEC 03: THE BIG PIG DILEMMA

BLOGGER'S NOTE: The following phone call is fictional. But it's based on a real-life ethical puzzle I currently face....

"My phone number is 1-800 D-R L-A-U-R-A. Richard, welcome to the program."

"Hi, thanks for taking my call. I...."

"Wait. Are you your kids' mom?"

"Well - uhhh - no, I'm not."

"Well, why AREN'T you, then?"

"Because for one thing, I don't have any children."

"Oh. Go ahead."

"Thank you. My moral dilemma is about...."

"First of all, how many of my books have you read?"

"Uhhhh - none of them, but...."

"Then what you calling ME for? My books are at libraries. You can check them out for free, if you're one of those cheapskate singles."

"How did you know I was single?"

"How did I KNOW? It's my job. I'm the host. I'm Dr. Laura, as in 1-800 D-R L-A-U-R-A! People expect me to know these things."

"Oh, I see...."

"So the first thing you need to do is check out my books on dating and marriage, then - you don't sound Jewish. Are you?"

"Why, no...."

"Then you need to find a good synagogue, one where they preach against homosexuality...."

"But I keep Yom Kippur with fasting now."

"Oh. Well, I guess that's close enough. Now what else do you need?"

"OK. My moral dilemma stems from a party I went to the other night...."

"Annnnnd.... how many women did you canoodle?"

"What?"

"Canoodling. How many?"

"I don't think I canoodled. I didn't even touch the pasta salad."

"C'mon now! You went to a party. You're single. You have a moral dilemma. Why couldn't you keep your pants on in the first place?"

"But they WERE on - all night."

"SURE they were. I think she should keep the baby to term...."

"WHAT baby?"

"The one you're calling about, that developed at the party. Just because you got drunk and can't remember it -- you know, I don't tolerate lying callers on this broadcast."

"But I did NOT get drunk! All I had was diet cola! And I never got beyond a handshake with anybody there!"

"Well, I guess I'll play along with you. So you're at a party, and what happened?"

"Yes, I'm at the party - and one of my bosses comes over and leaves me an envelope."

"So? They were discreet about how they fired you. Did you want them to take the mike and announce it?"

"No wait, I was NOT fired!"

"You're going to be, if you keep canoodling women at parties, aren't you?"

"But I said I - I can't even find 'canoodling' in the dictionary!"

"You realize denial IS the first step in the grieving process."

"Yes, I know that, but...."

"And where did you learn that? Admit it -- from listening to ME, right?"

"No, I heard that from a minister on a religious telecast."

"Oh. So if he preached it, you should be doing it."

"What?"

"Grieving. You should have said 'excuse me' at the party politely, gone to the bathroom or to your car or something, and dealt with your grief over getting fired in private."

"But the envelope was NOT about my getting fired!"

"Then what WAS it about? You're being VERY difficult about this!"

"Me?!? Oh well - in this envelope, there was a gift certificate for groceries at Piggly Wiggly."

"Oh, so THAT'S what you're calling about. Well, I'd imagine they sell things other than pork at Piggly Wiggly."

"I know they do - or at least they used to."

"So what's the dilemma? If you feel guilty, buy some food and donate it to starving children in Africa."

"That's not quite it, Dr. Laura. You see, for more than five years I've boycotted Piggly Wiggly stores."

"And why do you do that? Do you really think that'll get them to stop selling pork?"

"It's not about the pork. In 1998, the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition here in town declared a boycott of Piggly Wiggly - and I've been abiding by it."

"They did that? I didn't see that mentioned on Fox News Channel. Why did they do that?"

"Because several employees chased down a shoplifter outside a store, sat on him while they waited for police -- and he died."

"They're boycotting Piggly Wiggly because of THAT?"

"Yes - and Rainbow/PUSH never has announced an end to the boycott, so I don't want to offend anyone by shopping there."

"Do they still have picket signs up outside the stores, after all this time?"

"Well, that's the thing. No, they don't. I never see Rainbow/PUSH out protesting anywhere. But they never said it was over."

"Then instead of calling me, you ought to be calling them."

"Call THEM?"

"Why not? Ask if they're still boycotting Piggly Wiggly - and if they're not, rat on 'em. You've got a blog. Do it!"

"But if they are - wait a minute. You know I have a blog?!?"

"I know these things, remember? And I know you've taken up all my time for this hour. Now go take on the day."

BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: What do you think I should do with this gift certificate? I'm interested in your suggestions and ideas. Write me and I'll consider them and share them here in coming days.

COMING MONDAY: The capture of Saddam, and attempts to heal Columbus....

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.