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12 DEC 03: WHAT'S MY LINE?

I've received three calls from BellSouth since Wednesday night - all notifying me my part of Columbus is now wired for D-S-L Internet service. So why haven't they sent me an e-mail notice, too? Would it take me too long to download the graphics?

My first phone call offering high-speed Internet service came a couple of weeks ago -- and I turned it down on the spot. To me, an "always-on" broadband line on my computer is a bit leaving my car doors unlocked all night. Maybe nothing will happen - or maybe a vagrant with nothing to lose will declare it home.

(I don't want to reveal my age - but I'm old enough to remember when "broadband' referred to The Go-Gos.)

The caller tried to convince me I'd really love high-speed Internet service, because I could download big files much faster. Of course, they never tell you the pop-up ads appear twice as fast, too....

It's nice to know BellSouth finally has put D-S-L service in my neighborhood. But did they REALLY have to call me three times in a 24-hour span to let me know? Or did somebody hack THEIR computers, to cause all those calls?

When my home first joined the online world on Thanksgiving weekend in 1999, BellSouth was my Internet Service Provider. But I switched companies when the monthly cost went up -- and contrary to what BellSouth commercials may show you, I do NOT have half a computer screen now.

This topic reminds me of a question that's been on my mind for months: how can "JOI" offer Internet access for only $6.95 a month? A check of its web site Thursday night didn't really offer any clues. It didn't even tell me how to invite the good-looking girl on the billboards over to my house -- for (ahem) "tech support.".

As it happens, AT&T announced Thursday it will begin offering telephone service over broadband Internet lines. So with a special adapter, you'll be able to talk on the phone while you're on the Web. For some women, the virtual shopping spree just became more real than ever.

BLOG UPDATE: The Auburn University Senate voted Thursday to censure President William Walker. But it did NOT have enough votes to demand his immediate resignation - so he can't live up to his last name quite yet.

William Walker addressed the Auburn University Senate, and admitted he made a big mistake with that coach recruiting trip to Louisville. For one thing, it cost the Tigers a future cupcake opponent on the football schedule.

William Walker revealed to the A.U. Senate he'll give up the President's position at Auburn - but not until his term ends in 2005. I've heard of a "lame duck" leader, but this one might as well ride around campus in a wheelchair.

Did you see the exchange between William Walker and one of the Auburn University Senators? The President claimed an angry man's question reminded him of a "lynch mob." You'd think Mr. Walker would know better than that - and not give Auburn fraternities any party ideas.

As William Walker took the heat, Auburn University extended the contract of head football coach Tommy Tuberville another year. He's now committed through 2008 - which means he could last longer than three A.U. Presidents, but still not outlast trustee Bobby Lowder.

Tommy Tuberville was in Nashville, attempting (!) to promote the upcoming "Music City Bowl" against Wisconsin. The Auburn coach told reporters, "You have two very good conferences....." Please notice he didn't dare say the TEAMS are very good....

Now some other quick notes from "Bill of Rights Day" - and you KNEW Thursday was Bill of Rights Day, didn't you?

+ An afternoon jog down the Riverwalk discovered a mini-waterfall is now running down a stairway next to the Trade Center. There also was a Char-Broil trailer with meat cooking on the grill - but I figured my chances were better for drinking water from that waterfall.

+ WRBL's "News 3 at Noon" offered tips for safe holiday lighting - and one of them on the screen said: "Don't run CHORDS under carpet." OK, I won't. But what about treble and bass clefs?

+ The Thursday night programming in Spanish on TV-16 was missing, for at least the second week in a row. It's hard to believe they ran out of people able to give Spanish-language interviews that quickly....

+ Instant Message to Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson: I'm sorry, but someone has to ask it - why won't you release the name of the Deputy who shot and killed an unarmed man on Interstate 185? Don't you normally wait to release the names of VICTIMS?

(This case is a reminder of how small-town Columbus really is. The name of the shooting Deputy wouldn't be kept secret in Cincinnati -- because civil rights groups in bullhorns would stage a sit-in at police headquarters until it was announced.)

SONG OF THE DAY: With the SafetyCab program starting for another holiday season, I'm reminded of one of my first song "rewrites" in Columbus - which I did to the Christian worship song "Majesty:"

SafetyCab - call for a SafetyCab.

It's a taxi that can get you home from the ball.

SafetyCab - you'll need a SafetyCab

If you are drunk, drunk as a skunk,

Give them a call!

You'll get stopped, stopped by a cop,

If you're drunk driving.

You'll be fined for D-U-I

And get put in jail!

SafetyCab - call for a SafetyCab.

It is so wise, it beats some guys

Paying your bail!

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If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.