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27 DEC 03: WHAT'S THE COUNT?

Instant Message to Mark Pickert of Bill Heard Cadillac: Did you know Publix sells PREMIUM bread? It says so right on the label - perfect to go with that premium steak you like in those commercials.

I picked up a loaf of Premium Bread at Publix on Bradley Park Drive Friday afternoon, along with milk and cookies - then was appalled by what I saw in the checkout lane. The man in front of me in the "10 items or less" lane had about 14 items in his cart! This is what happens when our students do poorly on math exams.

The cashier didn't seem to do a thing about this "express lane" scofflaw - but as his checkout began, room opened for me to use an adjoining lane. I pointed out the violation to my new lane's cashier. But much to my chagrin, she didn't make a citizen's arrest on the spot, either.

But I was put in my place moments later, by a man who came up behind me. He joked about having a bunch of bananas in a bag, and said each banana could be counted individually. Suddenly I felt guilty - because my cookies were in a 36-count box.

(Back in the original line, this man really was over the 10-item limit - even with his case of Budweiser not counting as 24.)

In a moment which would have made any supporter of the Clinton administration proud, I told the cashier only half-humorously, "We need a ruling on what the legal definition of ONE is."

To be fair, the Publix cashier tried to settle the matter as politely as she could. "Let's just say you shouldn't have a buggy full of groceries." I accepted that explanation and walked out with my bags - but think about that a minute. Eight packages of plastic diapers might be too many.

(By the way, did you notice the Southernism in the cashier's answer? All these years I've been pushing CARTS around grocery stores....)

Dave Barry wrote a newspaper column years ago, in which he speculated the U.S. Supreme Court might have to settle the issue of express lane counts someday. Lower-level judges certainly aren't helping resolve it -- when they order lists of Ten Commandments removed from courthouses.

BLOG YEAR-IN-REVIEW CON'D: May was memorable for all the flooding along the Chattahoochee River. The river
was the highest I've seen it since moving to Columbus - and if that didn't bring out the whitewater rafters, why does the city think removing dams will do it?

And if that wasn't scary enough, much of Columbus felt an early-morning earthquake during May. It was about the only rattling of the year that could NOT be blamed on exercises at Fort Benning.

Several AM radio stations did some shifting during May - and as a result, ESPN Radio no longer is on the air in Columbus. That means no Tony Kornheiser show. And that should end the rumors about Jews controlling all the media.

A broadcasting legend left us in May, when Auburn sportscaster Jim Fyffe died. Who could have guessed the football team would remain in mourning through the first two games of the season in September?

Bill O'Reilly discovered Columbus in May, when some Taylor County High School students decided to have a "whites-only" prom at The Estate. If students try this again next spring, we're not sure who they should fear more - O'Reilly coming to tell them off, or civil rights leaders looking for revenge.

Several Columbus high schools had to move their graduation ceremonies to Columbus State University in late May, because the Civic Center was booked by the Wardogs for an arena football game. If you think about it, C.S.U. is a better location - because the teenagers can go to Peachtree Mall afterward and hang out.

Work went on all through 2003 for a new Phenix City hospital. But a big surprise came in June, when the Chief Executive was fired for not wanting to live in Russell County. How ironic that a school chief of staff IS interested in living there - but he's still waiting for the Muscogee County School Board to hire him.

A Columbus teenager received national television exposure in June. Ben Shuler appeared on "Nightline," as he took part in a national competition for high school-age preachers. So why doesn't he have his own half-hour telecast on TV-16 yet?

On the other hand, the RiverCenter hosted a production of "The Rocky Horror Show" during June. Alabama's football team staged its own version several months later - the "Rocky-Top Horror Show."

Andrea Bailey was crowned Miss Georgia at the RiverCenter in late June. Her replacement as Miss Savannah now faces charges of murdering her boyfriend. So what's her platform - protecting the second amendment?

Long John Silver's returned to Columbus, opening several restaurants mixed with KFC's. This gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, "combo meal."

(If you want to make the staff of those restaurants smile right now, all you have to say are three words: "Mad Cow Disease.")

Former Georgia Governor Lester Maddox died in June. We're now waiting for white people in Taylor County to declare his birthday a holiday.

June had a happy ending for many Columbus drivers, as the new Veterans Parkway Bridge opened downtown. Six months later, it seems safe to predict this bridge never will be named after Sheriff Ralph Johnson.

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© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.