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1 DEC 03: DEPOSIT OF DRAMA

I'd pondered and considered the trip for a week -- and when the big day came, I prepared for it by splashing on a bit of cologne. All this was for a short trip to the bank. And no, I was NOT trying to sweet-talk the mortgage loan officers into lower rates for a house....

You see, there's a teller at my usual bank office whom I'll call Julie. She's attractive - and I learned from another teller that she's single. "She's a young lady," the other woman told me TWICE when Jules was away on vacation. I think that a Deep South code phrase for, "She's not shacking up."

I took one of Julie's business cards from the counter, and plotted a strategy for introducing myself to her. It helped that it was time for me to make a major money transfer to my checking account. Introductions to single women ought to go better when you can show them something worth four figures.

The introduction to Julie would be a major step of courage for me. I've never been married, and I'm not really surrounded by eligible women in my age range at church or the workplace. If Ms. Right was going to cross my path, she'd probably have to collide with my car.

(What do you mean, go to a singles bar? I couldn't even tell you where one is in Columbus. After all, they're not advertised that way in the phone book.)

Beyond that, my dating history has not been very successful. The last woman I was serious about received plenty of flowers from me, and we shared a couple of lunches in Atlanta and New York. Then she went to San Francisco and married a building contractor. Looking back, I guess size DOES matter - because he's about four inches taller than I.

(One friend at work in Atlanta described my interest in that woman this way: "You and that Calvin Klein cologne.... Obsession.")

Given this background, an introduction to Julie at the bank was going to be a BIG event for me. So I tried to make everything just right - waiting until after the latest possible lunch break, putting on a bit of cologne, and putting on something other than running shorts with worn-out holes in the insides of my thighs.

(I suppose I could have waited until after hours, and talked to Julie in the bank parking lot - but given my dating record, I might have been arrested for stalking.)

At the right hour last Tuesday afternoon, the big event came. It turned out Julie had no one waiting at the teller window, so I could walk right forward with my big deposit slip. She was looking nice as always, and even had plenty of blonde highlights added to her black hair. Or maybe it was the other way around - wow, some women can be SO mysterious.

During the transaction, I asked Julie if she had Thanksgiving plans. She was cooking, and I told her I was working that day. In a way, I wanted to tell her I had the day off. Isn't it true that many times, the way to a woman's heart is through a free meal?

Then came the Moment of Decision. I pulled out a business card I prepared from the LaughLine era, admitted to Julie I've never done something like this before -- then offered her the card and asked her to call me after work about getting together for lunch or dinner sometime. I'm realistic enough to know she wouldn't quit a good banking job on the spot for me....

How would Julie respond to this offer of at least friendship, and maybe more? Would she answer with three little words? Nope, Julie said five fairly large ones - "I already have a boyfriend."

I nodded a bit at Julie's reply -- since it sounded so familiar. For instance, there was the holiday dinner at my college scholarship hall, when I went 0-for-9 asking young women to join me. Even our college football team at Kansas had a better record that year.

(Oh, that reminds me: my alma mater Kansas is going to a football bowl game for the first time in eight years! But c'mon - $45 for a ticket to see a 6-6 team in the Tangerine Bowl? I don't want to buy a helmet with my seat....)

But I digress: I quietly told Julie I made the offer because I considered her attractive. She thanked me for the compliment -- but as I write this, she has NOT called the phone number on my card. This is why I don't play softball anymore, by the way. I strike out in that about as often as I do in romance.

Now for some quick notes on romance and other things, from a Sunday grocery run to a Publix store:

+ If a woman's by herself wearing a fur coat inside a supermarket - forget it. She's married already.

+ A loaf of "Atkins Diet" low-carbohydrate bread costs $4.99? As much as a package of fudge in the same rack?? Now I know this thing is a racket - and may be sending the wrong message to our children.

+ Why do the signs in Publix's aisles say "Happy Chanukah?" Shouldn't they be consistent, and spell it "Chappy?"

+ One check-out lane had a "white shield' magazine cover over Gourmet magazine - and all the cover showed was a couple of cooked Thanksgiving birds! At least they're consistent when it comes to exposed br**sts....

E-MAIL UPDATE: Last week's list of things we're thankful for [26 Nov] brought this nice surprise:

Happy Thanksgiving Richard! Just a quick note to say I'm thankful for your blog. Sometimes infuriating, usually amusing, always entertaining. My day isn't complete without a check of the website. You make me laugh (even when the humor hits a bit close to home). Hope all is going well for you.
Perhaps I'll see you at Scrabble night in the future.

Blaine Stewart

Anchor/Problem Solver, WRBL-TV....

I'm thankful Blaine has a sense of humor about the things I post here, because I'm not always sure his co-workers do. Of course, I'd be even more thankful if he set me up with Amy Giuliano.

(Hmmmm - humor. Is that nine Scrabble points, or ten?)

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© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.