9 AUG 05: FREE LOADED

Instant Message to my older brother and sister-in-law: Thank you. The belated birthday card came Monday. My, what a long nose that puppet had. You'll be relieved to know I have no plans to point anything toward you in the other direction.

Yes, I marked a birthday the other day -- and with no guarantee anyone would give me a present, I decided to do something different. I'd accumulated enough "gifts" in the last year that I tried to use as many of them as I could in one day. It's like unloading your car's change box all at once, at a turnpike toll booth.

8:45 a.m.: The day begins with a morning jog on the Riverwalk. Running there is absolutely free - and if someone would leave a couple of giant medicine balls along the way, we could have a full-fledged health club.

9:30 a.m.: After the run, I drive to breakfast. I was a four-time winner in this summer's "Choose Your Destiny" game at Burger King -- and the last winning ticket will give me one of the most expensive prizes of all. It's hard to believe that about five french toast sticks, but it's true....

The goal was to win one million dollars in the Burger King "Star Wars" promotion -- but sadly, I did NOT win the top prize. Instead, I won four free food items. So I guess "the force" was only with my stomach.

I buy a carton of milk to go with my free french toast sticks. Admittedly, I feel a bit guilty when I get a restaurant freebie and nothing more. I wouldn't make a very good panhandler....

11:00 a.m.: We head to the Government Center, to check on a story tip we've already posted here. I read in a teen magazine years ago that a great way to have free fun is to watch criminals get arraigned - but I don't. There's no one with me to swap one-liners and insults in court.

11:40 a.m.: A short but sweaty stroll away is a jewelry store on Broadway. I was given a $100 gift certificate to this store several months ago, but I hardly ever visit jewelers. For awhile, I thought "bling-bling" was the name of a panda.

Why do I hardly ever visit jewelers? Because I hardly ever wear the fancy stuff jewelers sell. Only this year did I start wearing my college class ring again, to mark my 25^th anniversary of graduation. Waiting for the Kansas Jayhawks to win another college basketball title might take awhile....

(Besides, I decided to go ringless to make very clear to women that I'm single - as if they're looking at my hands to decide whether or not to date me.)

There are "need-to-buy" stores and "want-to-buy" stores - and for me, jewelry stores are on the want-to list. Give me a $100 gift certificate to a gourmet cookie shop, and things might be very different.

The staff on Broadway is anxious to help me find something - but I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I haven't been inside a jewelry store in years. I have a vague idea what they sell, but no idea at all about the prices. And I was playing by "Price is Right" rules: go over $100 and you lose.

Should I buy earrings? Nope, I'm an old fuddy-duddy and don't wear them. Which reminds me of a question I asked the security crew back at the Government Center - are there any YOUNG fuddy-duddies?

Should I buy a wristwatch? That's a nice idea, but I have two which run well now. The wristband broke on one of them months ago - so I now have a "what progress has preserved" style digital pocket watch.

How about a tie tack? Now that's something I need. I lose those things constantly - thinking they're in a shirt pocket, when they're probably left on a desk and stolen. If someone would please make a tie tack with a GPS microchip....

So I wind up taking a tie tack - and thankfully, this store has a variety of non-jewelry gifts on sale. I take home my first electric can opener in 15 years. The last one sat on an apartment stove - but two former roommates insisted on turning gas burners all the way up to cook things.

The $100 gift certificate also allows me a new "genuine leather" billfold, to replace a Wal-Mart special that's getting old. Trouble is, a bright blue wallet is rather easy to spot when someone steals it....

Those three items still don't come to 100 dollars, and the jewelry store doesn't offer cash back on the difference -- but I stop there. "I don't want to be too greedy," I tell a man who appears to be the manager. Not to mention not be in debt.

"Don't forget," the manager reminds me as I turn to leave, "Santa Claus is coming." Oh please - it's the first week of August! Is he starting his year extra-early, to make up for the students going back to school?

3:00 p.m.: If you have a library card, Columbus area libraries let you surf the Internet free for an hour. But on this day, the broadband connections at the Mildred Terry branch are NOT moving quickly. In fact, DSL might as well be shorthand for a diesel-powered dump truck.

A woman sitting at a terminal across from me is openly frustrated by the slow connections. A staff member explains library computers attract a lot of "junk" from users, which doesn't get cleaned out. Apparently enough spam is stored to feed every Fort Benning soldier for a week.

At this point I also have a coupon for a free car wash downtown - but I decide not to use it. At this time of year, those little slips of paper can be rain magnets.

7:30 p.m.: The freebie-fest moves north, as a recent mailing provided me a free "bargain book" at Mustard Seed on Sidney Simons Boulevard (a store where you can buy my CD). If you're scared about shopping at this "Christian store," don't worry - I didn't see anything by Fred Phelps there.

The bargain books are scattered all over the store - and after browsing around, I settle on "finding and keeping the love of your life." The author says one key for compatibility is having "common values." For instance, would she pick up this book for free as well?

8:00 p.m.: I can't find any restaurants offering free birthday meals anymore, but I recently won a gift certificate from Cheddars near Columbus Park Crossing. As I get out of the car, a singer on the front deck is singing "Happy Birthday to You." And I didn't even phone ahead for carryout....

The gift certificate will get me a nice dinner, but I make a mistake right off the bat. I select chips and salsa for an appetizer - totally forgetting that at Cheddars, I should try the "queso" dip.

The prices at Cheddars are economical, compared with other sit-down restaurants in Columbus. An eight-ounce sirloin steak arrives for less than ten dollars - and it's seasoned so well, I don't even bother with sauce. At some steakhouses, the steak sauce might cost me a dollar.

Then throw in a fresh-baked Cheddars "cookie monster" dessert: ice cream and whipped topping on a giant chocolate chip cookie. It's a great way to get around the obvious birthday cake -- and all the wait staff gathering around you for a corny song.

(But wait a minute here - shouldn't Cheddars offer apple pies with cheese on top?)

The appetizer, steak, dessert and drink came to 18 dollars. My gift certificate was for 20 dollars - but uh-oh, what about the tip? I put that on a credit card. Next time, I'll look at Mustard Seed for an etiquette book about whether your tip should include gift card dollars.

In all, our "freebie day" came to $126.69 in free items - and it could have been higher. Imagine all the free food samples I missed, by not having a Sam's Club card.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Now for an opposing viewpoint in the great high school parking lot debate:

Hi Richard,

The paving of the student parking lot at Columbus High is a big improvement. When I went to school there, they hadn't yet removed the large trees in the lot, so there were fewer spaces available then compared to the recent unpaved past. Yes, paving and striping will reduce the number of spaces available, but the old parking lot had problems, including the mud that developed with rain. Students would jam their cars into any space available, leading to frequent accidents. When a student had to leave school during the day, the administration often had to interrupt several classes to call others out to the lot to move their cars so the student could get out.

I didn't want to deal with the hassle, so I parked down at Lakebottom, where there were plenty of spaces. Plus, I didn't have to buy a $3 parking permit. As long as they haven't signed the spaces as "two-hour parking", there should be plenty within a short walk to accommodate the permitless commuting students.

You know, if there were a shortage of spaces, the baseball field could be paved to meet parking needs. As it is now, only a small group of students uses that acreage, and other sports teams at CHS have to use facilities elsewhere (football, swimming, golf).

Thomas

Uh-oh, Thomas - now you've done it. Pave Randy Jordan Field?!?! You might as well suggest turning off the eternal flame on weekends, to save on natural gas bills.

I doubt that many Columbus High School students complained about mud in the parking lot. Especially the guys with pickup trucks - who could make up great stories about weekends in the woods.

It turns out several Columbus High students tried Thomas's parking trick Monday. They parked around Lakebottom Park, instead of taking shuttle buses from the old Sears building. Can you really blame them? A Library Board member might have seen a classic car, and proposed moving it down the street for art.

The plan was for several shuttle buses from Macon Road to Columbus High - but only enough students showed up to fill ONE bus. Do you think parents warned their children about the evils which forced busing caused three or four decades ago?

Did you notice how gas stations tried to discourage students from driving to Columbus High School Monday? They hiked the price of regular unleaded about nine cents a gallon....

(What's going on with THAT price increase? Will someone remind the convenience store managers most students are back in school - so "summer driving season" is over??)

The good news for Columbus High students is that the newly-paved parking lot should be finished and ready for use on Wednesday. Then students can begin betting on when the first parking space will be spray-painted with graffiti.

Now for other quick items from Monday's news:

+ A Russell County grand jury indicted food store owner Don Ford, for killing a customer he considered a threat. Somewhere, David Glisson crossed the Russell County Sheriff's Department off his application list.

+ People complained to the Russell County Commission that other ways should be found to install a security system, without moving Probate Judge Al Howard's office. Has anyone considered giving Judge Howard and his staff stun guns?

+ The Columbus Catfish beat Augusta 6-4 - and suddenly they're in second place in their division, and on a three-game winning streak. Who could have guessed the secret to this team's success would be a home stand with TWO bobble-head doll giveaways?

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $2.24 a gallon at Big Cat on U.S. 431 in Phenix City.... milk for $1.49 a half-gallon at Walgreens.... but be careful if anyone offers Peter Jennings trench coats on eBay....

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