29 AUG 05: WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Today's entry has language which may offend some readers. It's in the E-mail Update section - but we have several other hopefully G-rated jokes first.)

By the time you read this, Hurricane Katrina may have come ashore at New Orleans. Countless fundamentalist preachers are watching the news and saying, "Maybe now those pagans will stop celebrating Mardi Gras."

(When people ask me if I've ever been to "Sin City," they're often puzzled when I ask them a question back - which one? New Orleans? Las Vegas? Phenix City?)

Georgia Southwestern State University in Americus called off classes today, because of Hurricane Katrina. The decision actually was made Friday, when the storm appeared more likely to head toward our area. Can you tell G.S.W. does NOT offer degrees in meteorology?

Classes are in session campus-wide at Columbus State University -- but a few instructors might have called off courses on their own. Someone reported hearing C.S.U. students talk about cancellations Sunday night. But then again, maybe they had French Quarter drinking parties planned for Labor Day weekend.

As of Sunday night, Muscogee County schools were open - and that apparently has a few people surprised. A friend related one call he received about it:

"Well, why aren't they closed?"

"Because it's only going to rain."

"So??"

"Maybe you should call the school district about it in the morning."

"And what if no one answers?"

"Then they're closed."

Then there's the woman who called me Sunday night with a different hurricane-related question. "Why isn't the city of Columbus sending buses down there, to help people evacuate?" I suppose I should have asked the woman why she didn't drive her own car to New Orleans as well.

"They've got plenty of buses sitting around," the woman declared. Well, that was partially true. METRA has no Sunday bus service....

By sending all our spare METRA buses to New Orleans, the woman reasoned, evacuees will have a place to sleep - and Columbus will show it cares for its neighbors. But hold on here. Columbus didn't send spare city vehicles to the Gulf coast last year for Hurricane Ivan - and isn't Alabama our REAL neighbor?

"You have to put the city to shame, to get them to take action," the woman maintained. Sometimes that strategy works, and sometimes - well, consider it this way: Tom DeLay is still the House Republican leader....

This woman says she used to work in city government, so she knows officials "can find the money when they have to." That may be true - but one way or another, eventually they'll find it in our bank accounts.

(She went on to cross governmental lines -- saying the Muscogee County School District can afford to pay top-dollar for a couple of teachers, while air-conditioning units are broken at Carver High School. Could it be those teachers are training to FIX those units?)

It seems safe to say Columbus residents will help deal with the aftermath of Katrina. Georgia Power crews probably will head for the Gulf coast. The American Red Cross will send people and provisions. And in a true emergency, seized gambling machines could be lent to Biloxi casinos.

E-MAIL UPDATE: A blog reader put two of our recent items together, and reached a startling conclusion:

Dear Richard;

After reading the following comments ...

"Who I am isn't important," I told the woman (whose name I never learned, either).

"Yes, it is. Don't leave me like that."

"It doesn't matter." Then came a short pause.

"Are you an angel?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I try to be."

... in your Sat., Sabbath, Religious Post, I think I should tell you ...

I am much more inspired to think of transcendent eventualities (is that your intent) with this discussion of you being an "ANGEL" than the one with you being a "VIRGIN?." [21 Aug] However, I am so glad to see that you enjoy the edge of the realm of the ridiculous as well as the sublime.

Obviously the "VIRGIN" discussion was precipitated by a movie and the "ANGEL" discussion was precipitated by a (perhaps misguided) woman with her need for understanding her meaning in life and your compassion.

Having said all of that, it is possible you just need to get laid (oops, sorry, did i say that?), (otherwise you might keep ? "obsessing" over it), and post to perfect strangers that you are a "VIRGIN!" ... which begs the question ... why do we need to know this and why do you need to tell it. Why do people read this? Could it be because some think it might be true?

Which is it ...

Wanna be virgin, (with obsessive thoughts of sex, this is one way to be more sexual as the subject doesn't often leave the mind of one conflicted in thought and action).

Wanna be sexually experienced, (the experienced have no need to discuss, just a need to pray).

Wanna be angel, (when used as a fictional tool the imperative of reality intervenes with, "MEN ARE MEN" and "ANGELS ARE ANGELS" and one does not become the other, vice versa).

I enjoy your BLOG and i must say it is off the beaten path ... sometimes so far off that i don't like it until i have had a day to digest it.

I must say I'm shocked - SHOCKED! - at the language in this e-mail. Why, most of our readers may not even know what a "transcendent eventuality" is.

Yes, my "virgin revelation" came as a result of the movie "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." I decided: if people at the other end of the sexual spectrum want to come out of their closets, why should I stay locked inside mine? Besides, I suspect my closet is a lot cleaner....

Why should I keep my mouth shut and hide the fact that I'm a dictionary-definition virgin past age 40? If I understand the movie correctly, such a person is considered an out-of-date laughingstock nowadays. But remember one thing - I can ignore all those commercials for STD treatments.

The writer seems to give me three options for what I want to be - and I guess I'd choose the "virgin" option, only without the obsession. After all, for me sex is like yacht racing. If you're not in a position to do it or see it, you don't think about it all that much.

The writer makes a biblically accurate point about a "wanna be angel." Humans don't "graduate" to become angels - and I really don't think anyone can earn their wings by helping Jimmy Stewart in a movie.

(Remember: men are men, angels are angels - so the men playing baseball for the Los Angeles Angels must be something in between.)

By the way - did you notice "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" was the top-selling movie in ticket sales for the second weekend in a row? Maybe I should post a sign outside my home, and charge admission to see me....

COMING THIS WEEK: What made a woman leave behind sacks of groceries at a checkout counter, and walk out the door....

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