30 AUG 05: THE CARD GAME THAT FLOPPED

The line formed on the right, and seemed to be the only line there was. Sunday mornings usually aren't that busy for supermarkets -- especially in a churchgoing city such as Columbus. Shoppers like me simply hope the Saturday crowds haven't left all the shelves in a shambles.

All I needed on this past Sunday morning was a half-gallon of milk and a couple of bags of snacks. But when I reached the checkout, there was a three-person line. I try to be an "Itsnobiggian" about such things -- it's no biggie to me.

A true patience test was at the front of this checkout line. The woman at the register was having trouble with a plastic card another woman wanted to use. And since this store was in downtown Phenix City, the card couldn't have been platinum....

The customer wanted to use a food stamp card to buy a couple of bags of groceries - but for some reason, the machinery kept declining it. There's nothing more frustrating than an impersonal thing which doesn't like you. With another person, at least you can take a good guess about why.

The customer waited very quietly for a couple of minutes, but then saw something through the supermarket window. "Police are here. I've got to go," she said - then left her bagged groceries at the checkout, and walked out! What was she going to do, file a discrimination complaint against the store on the spot?

The patrol car which pulled up outside actually was from the Russell County Sheriff's Department. The deputy got out, and went to the car the customer was approaching. Did someone give this deputy a hot tip? Or is there some secret code in food stamp cards, which rings alarm bells across Alabama?

"He got her," a couple of supermarket employees said as they stared outside. They seemed to suspect the customer was using an illegal food stamp card. As the late Johnnie Cochran might have said: If it won't take the swipe, the staff has a gripe.

But then my turn finally came at the supermarket checkout. I had a credit card - and the machinery wouldn't accept it, either! C'mon, my credit line is so ridiculously high it could buy some vacant spots at Cross-Country Plaza.

The transaction was cleared, and I was told to try again - but I was too fast for the staff, and pressed "credit" when they wanted me to press "debit." I could crack a joke about backwards thinking in Alabama, but I won't....

"It's acting vice-versed," the staff members said. Vice-versed? That sounds like poetry a guy writes his favorite prostitute.

Thankfully I had another option in my wallet, to end all these plastic headaches. "I can pay cash. Do you take cash?" The staff assured me they did, so I paid for my groceries that way. Hopefully no one slipped me a counterfeit note.

BLOG UPDATE: If you see a convenience store manager today, thank him or her for proving the "experts" wrong. As Hurricane Katrina came ashore Monday, the low gas price in Columbus went DOWN a couple of cents! New Orleans may be overrated, for both oil and football....

WXTX "News at Ten" reported some Columbus gas stations increased prices by a dime Monday. Perhaps it occurred late in the day, after I parked my car - after personally debating whether I should fill my tank, like I was a NASCAR crew chief.

The Columbus area endured several tornado warnings Monday, created by "feeder bands" of Hurricane Katrina. Before I moved to the South, I thought a "feeder band" was an opening act for a rock star.

Georgia Power crews left Columbus Monday, to help with the hurricane recovery effort along the coast. Workers were told to bring two weeks' worth of clothing and "personal items." Does that translate to one issue of Maxim magazine, or two?

Public TV's "Nightly Business Report" brought up one interesting possible side effect of the hurricane - a shortage of two-by-four boards. Timber farmers in Stewart County may not have to worry about paying high gas prices much longer.

Hoping you and yours are safe from the storm, let's check other notes from Monday:

+ Columbus city officials held a public hearing on changing Cherokee Avenue. The city's latest idea is a three-lane road, with a bicycle lane near the canal. I suppose this would work - since most of the Riverwalk doesn't have guardrails.

(Call it Weracoba Creek if you must. I say "canal" sounds a lot fancier and more impressive -- especially in light of those old cartoons, where Muskrat talked about "crick-mud.")

+ Georgia Congressman Lynn Westmoreland announced the Columbus Airport will receive a $316,000 federal grant, to build a new taxiway. I haven't done the math on this, but I believe this comes to about $3,000 per airline passenger.

+ A former Talbotton Central High School principal took the school district to court. At issue was whether her firing violated the "fair dismissal" policy. Some students hope Judge John Allen will go farther, and order all schools to be dismissed for the fair.

+ The Georgia High School Association decided to move the starting football weekend back two weeks. Next year, the first games will be played on Labor Day weekend -- giving Muscogee County children an entire month of August with boring Friday nights.

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