4 AUG 05: SPAM FROM MARS?

When people send jokes online, they can be funny. When they send religious messages, they can be inspirational. But when they send alerts about news events, you should be skeptical. For instance, I'm still waiting for my check from Microsoft for passing on all those e-mails....

BLOG EXCLUSIVE: The Columbus Space Science Center has taken the unusual step of posting a web page, to refute an Internet rumor. I know this because the rumor reached my InBox the other day. And no, it's NOT that tabloid cover story about the moon exploding within six months.

The e-mail from a friend of mine claimed on August 27, Mars will be at its closest point to Earth in at least 5,000 years. It reportedly will be ONLY 34,649,589 miles away. Of all the times for gas prices to jump again....

"Mark your calendar at the beginning of August," the e-mail says, "to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month." Some of you don't have to look toward the heavens to see this. Simply look at the faces of parents sending their children back to school.

So what's the problem with this e-mail? The posting at the Space Science Center web site claims it contains false statements, mixed with data from another close approach two years ago. So Democrats would say it reminds them of the invasion of Iraq....

The Space Science Center web site says the REAL date for the close-up of Mars is a bit after midnight on Saturday night, October 29. Uh-oh - I can see radio station managers searching for that "War of the Worlds" Halloween broadcast now.

(That's really sneaky timing by the Martians, isn't it? They get so close to Earth, and it's on a night when many of us will be getting extra sleep with the switch back to standard time.)

The Space Science Center also reports Mars will be "about 43 million miles" from Earth this fall, not 34.6 million miles. The people who came up with this e-mail may be the same people who tell lost drivers a building ten miles away is "right down the street."

The e-mail came with photos implying Mars would be almost as large in the sky as a full moon. The Space Science Center says that's not accurate, and the moon still will be much bigger. But hold on here - could one of them be using miles, and not a metric measurement?

The e-mail apparently doesn't even have the maximum width of Mars in the sky accurate. It claims Mars will be 25.11 "arcseconds" wide, while the Space Science Center claims it really will be 20.2 "arcseconds." Some of us have trouble even drawing an arc in 20.2 seconds....

Given all these errors in need of correction, it's no wonder the Space Science Center gave its web page the name it did: "Mars Opposition 2005." The staff is opposed to bogus e-mails just as much.

The moral of this story should be a familiar one. If you receive e-mail of ANY sort promising something big, double-check it before you believe it. That's true for close-ups for Mars, just as much as spam offering a year's supply of free beer.

Now that we've resolved this mess with Mars, let's check some down-to-earth topics from Wednesday:

+ Tropical Storm Harvey formed in the Atlantic, but it's moving away from the U.S. That's a shame -- because Harvey Lumber Company and Harvey's Supermarkets were all set to have big sales.

+ WRBL showed a masked superhero visiting St. Francis Medical Center - called a "Vaccinator." In other parts of Columbus, masked people carrying needles would be arrested on charges of stealing to feed a heroin addiction.

+ Lee County Sheriff's Major Tommy Carter admitted he can't stop speeding motorcyclists because patrol cars have a top speed of 120 miles per hour, while top bikes can go above 160. If someone has a used stock car to donate, please call Sheriff Jay Jones's office.

(Call me simplistic -- but why isn't there a law limiting how fast motor vehicles can go? If the speed limit is 70, why not require companies to make cars and motorcycles which don't go faster than 70? Some NASCAR teams will cheat with spoilers, in any case.)

+ Alabama's Governor signed a bill limiting "eminent domain" by local governments. So some of you Phenix City residents can disengage the shotguns from your doorknobs....

+ Auburn University released tape of students involved in a summer "study abroad" program in Italy. Only one important detail was missing - how do you yell "War Eagle" in Italian?

+ Georgia's "Silver Challengers" lost in the A.S.A. national fastpitch tournament - and it looked from the highlights like they played on a South Commons field with a plywood panel for first base. If we're going to have "turn back the clock" day, stick to uniforms.

(Please don't tell me a panhandler dug up some bases overnight, and was trying to sell them as tournament souvenirs....)

+ Instant Message to whomever put the Glenwood School listing in the BellSouth Yellow Pages: It's for a SCHOOL, after all - so how could you misspell it "Glennwood?" TWICE?? Is this school focusing on spelling and English, or football and baseball?

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