21 AUG 05: THE 47-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

So, you may be wondering, do I plan to see that new movie comedy "The 40-Year-Old Virgin?" By all means, NO! If anything, I'm thinking about suing the producers for stealing my life story....

Over the years, a few people have dared to ask me if I'm a virgin -- either former roommates or their friends. When they did this, I always asked them to define "virgin." After all, they might be looking for a Jimmy Carter-style "lust in my heart" answer.

I don't tend to go around talking about my virginity, as former pro basketball player A.C. Green did for years. Too many people would think I'm proud, arrogant and "holier-than-thou." Drivers of hybrid cars probably felt the same way, until the last couple of weeks....

So I wouldn't normally announce this in public -- but in light of that new movie, I will: yes, I'm a dictionary-definition virgin. For some of you, this will confirm once and for all what a weirdo you have writing this blog....

(By the way: why is a movie about a 40-year-old virgin rated R? Is he not getting any "action" because he walks around nude?)

Call me strange if you wish, but I've completely missed the "sexual revolution." I've even missed most of the lingo of the movement. When I worked at CNN Center, I tried to be hip and use the words "doggy style" in a story on a pet fashion show - and the copy editor had to explain what it (ahem) REALLY meant.

How have I missed out on sexual relations for 47 years? In my case, it's rather simple. You can't have sex without a partner. And very few women have been interested in having me as a partner - sadly, even at some church dances.

My first "real date" didn't occur until my sophomore year in college. It's not as if I didn't try. One high school girl in particular had my attention, and I called her often. Today she's an attorney in Kansas City - and if I called her now simply to say hello, she might sue me for harassment.

There were a few dates in college, but not that many - and I was turned down many times. In fact, one year I went 0-for-9 inviting women to a college Christmas dinner. It was like youth league softball all over again....

I started working at a Kansas City radio station on my college graduation day - and I became so busy with the work that I didn't think much about dating. Maybe this is how Catholic priests remain celibate. They keep staring at their Bibles - especially the verses about the lake of fire.

My closest call in terms of sexual relations came during my radio work in Kansas City. An announcer was engaged to a man at another station, but learned he'd cheated on her. She called off the engagement, and I "caught her on the rebound" without even trying. That's how it usually worked for me in basketball, too....

T.Q. was bright, perky and witty, and our personalities matched well. Shortly before I moved to a new job in Oklahoma, we got together for lunch at a soup shop in Kansas City's Westport area. On this winter afternoon, the soup would normally be the steamiest part of my day.

After lunch, T.Q. invited me to her apartment in a different part of Kansas City. I recall her nursing textbooks, as she was studying that before moving into radio - and a stuffed life-size human doll sitting on the furniture. Naturally, I figured one was connected to the other....

T.Q. showed me around her apartment - and led me to her bedroom. I vaguely recall a four-poster bed, but I do NOT recall going close to it. And no, I never stepped away from the soup to let T.Q. put something funny in it.

I settled for a goodbye hug with T.Q., and went on my way. I'm not sure if I left her disappointed or not. After all, she never stripped to her lingerie in front of me.

T.Q. went on to do on-air work at a few radio stations in Kansas City, and perhaps one in St. Louis. But after I moved to Oklahoma, I lost track of her. Maybe she's married to someone else now. Maybe she's in nursing - as in her own grandchild, after 23 years or so.

So there you have it - the closest thing to an afternoon of passion I've had in 47 years. I'm not counting the soap opera "Passions," because that annoying witch keeps getting in the way of the plot....

It's not supposed to be cool to talk about situations like mine. I guess that's why "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" is a comedy. In 2005, it's considered so far-fetched as to be impossible. Yet here I am, an exception to the rule -- and Saturday night when I drove down Victory Drive, I was boring again. I only noticed the new Sonic was open.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Enough about my strangeness - let's check another strange thing:

Richard,

I just had to throw this one at you. As I was driving around Auburn today, I noticed a Northcutt Realty van. On the side was the slogan, "One Call Does It All!" Does that mean Ken Nugent's version is fading into the twilight?

Brock

Welllll - I'll answer that this way. If that van driver gets hurt in a car wreck, he'll only have about 99 other attorneys in the phone book left to call.

Now other sizzling subjects from the hottest weekend of the year:

+ East Alabama sources tell your blog Opelika has taken the area gas price lead, with some stations at $2.49 a gallon. I don't dare try to take advantage of this - because someone will tell the stations I'm coming, and jack up the price a dime.

+ Jessica Clark said goodbye to her WRBL viewers, as she moves to a station in Jacksonville. Co-anchor Blaine Stewart continued a strange personal tradition, by presenting Clark on the air a framed photo of himself! There must be a better way to get references on your job resume....

+ The Lee County Humane Society held "Woofstock 2005" - as dozens of people showed up with their dogs. This showed how times have changed from Woodstock, around 1970. At Woofstock, the frisky animals were on leashes.

+ Dixie Elementary School presented Shakespeare's play "The Taming of the Shrew," after a week of intense rehearsal. Some people in Russell County are hoping this will lead to a sequel: "The Taming of the Pit Bulls."

+ Harris County fifth-graders attended a pep rally at Columbus State University. The rally was designed to encourage the children to attend college. This must mean the approach of parents doesn't work - waving HOPE Scholarship papers in front of them.

+ Shaw's football team had a narrow escape in its season opener, edging Columbus High 21-20 in overtime. OK, who gave the Columbus baseball players all those extra steroids?

+ The night before, Pacelli won its opening game of the season 41-0. The Vikings played "Our Lady of Mercy" - so let's hear it for our men of justice.

(Really now - would YOU want to play football for a school named "Our Lady of Mercy?" How could a quarterback trust his offensive line, if it took that name seriously?)

+ The Columbus Catfish canceled their Friday night home game, because of "wet grounds." It didn't rain that much at South Commons Friday - so I want to know who spilled the water buckets all over the infield.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Other commitments will require an off day for this blog on Monday.)

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