for 23 MAY 05: CONGRATULATIONS, SINNERS

KANSAS CITY, KS -- My, how times have changed at public colleges. Not that long ago, picket lines on campus would have meant left-wing hippie freaks protesting a university policy. On Sunday, I saw a picket line of protest by right-wing.... well, some would call them freaks, but their hair wasn't long enough to be hippies.

BLOG SPECIAL EVENT: My youngest niece graduated from college Sunday -- but I was struck by what I saw walking into one side of the football stadium. About 15 people from a controversial Topeka, Kansas Baptist church held up signs, mostly against homosexuality. I know they're Protestants, but didn't Martin Luther settle this with one document 450 years ago?

You may know the name Fred Phelps, whose Topeka church has staged anti-homosexuality protests across the country. It was quite obvious his church put on Sunday's protest at the University of Kansas. For one thing, their signs misspelled the name of legendary basketball coach Phog Allen (ahem) -- with an F-A.

Fred Phelps' church loves to say God hates homosexuals -- only it uses a slang term for such people which I wouldn't dare post here. Then again, I usually don't post the place where members say homosexuals are burning right now....

Apparently the University of Kansas officially likes homosexuality too much for this church, so members held a commencement day protest. One sign said: "LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR = REBUKE." I wonder if that approach gets single members anywhere on dates.

"POPE IN H**L," said another sign at the protest (see what I mean?) -- with a picture of the late John Paul II. I was SO tempted to ask someone why the picketers think the Pope is there. Maybe they take the TV sports show "Rome Is Burning" the wrong way....

"Don't say anything to feed them," a relative said as our group walked by the protesters. A discussion would only let the religious protesters argue their point longer and louder. But then again, maybe someone needs to bring a Bible to the picket line and explain the verses about "loving sinners and hating sin" -- because that might just stump them.

(I'm told the Westboro Baptist Church even picketed one Sunday morning outside my family's longtime church -- which is United Methodist. I guess members do this between hate crimes, to keep in practice.)

People who have been to Topeka say Fred Phelps and his family live in a walled city block, apparently to guard against reprisals. Some of Phelps's children reportedly are disbarred attorneys -- but at least they seem to know their First Amendment rights about free speech really well.

There was no mention of the picket during the two-hour commencement exercise. More than an hour of the event consisted of seniors and graduate students walking down the hill in the middle of campus to their places inside the football stadium. It was a nice parade, but it could have used a few marching bands in the middle.

(The tradition is a bit like the "Tiger Walk" at Auburn University on football game days. Only this walk down the hill is for people who actually went to college for an education.)

Several seniors spiced up their walk down the middle of the football field. My niece's Significant Other actually went out of line, and tried to catch a football another senior threw at him! Back in Muscogee County, he would have been back in a classroom today -- while everyone else was starting vacation.

Then there were the college seniors who rolled down the football field on their sides, or who did cartwheels and handstand flips. Those University of Kansas cheerleaders and gymnasts can't help showing off....

Degrees were awarded to 15 different schools within the University of Kansas. The Law School graduates preceded the Medical School graduates in the procession -- which seemed strange, because the malpractice dispute is likely to go in the opposite direction.

When the time came to officially confer college degrees, the Law School graduates were presented -- and all of them held up what appeared to be newspapers. Don't they realize sheriff's deputies and marshals are the ones who hand over lawsuits and subpoenas?

The Medical School graduates were presented next -- and all of them started spraying what appeared to be bottles of champagne. As my niece/new college graduate said later: "You'd think they were senior undergraduates who didn't know any better. But no, these folks had extra schooling."

(SSHHHH -- Don't tell anyone, but my niece Heather toyed with the idea of carrying a bottle of beer in the procession under her gown. The University supposedly has a policy against alcohol on-campus. So maybe the Medical School graduates shook bottles of diet soda really hard.)

It was a warm and sunny day in Kansas, and the University Chancellor realized it. He actually wore a wide-brimmed hat as he spoke, a bit like Bobby Bowden wears at Florida State University practices. Doesn't he realize that will encourage more people to put Jayhawk dolls and balloons on their caps next May?

(The Chancellor jokingly asked for a show of hands, to see how many seniors "are naked under their gowns." If Columbus State University President Frank Brown had tried this line, he'd face his own protest -- probably from Fort Benning officers.)

Before the commencement ceremony, the Chancellor hosted a traditional senior luncheon outside his on-campus residence. When I graduated 25 years ago, there was a formal line to greet the Chancellor while a wind orchestra played. Again times have changed -- as this time the Chancellor's son was a D.J., playing OutKast songs. [True!]

This was my first trip to Kansas to see family members in three years, and I'm absolutely glad I came. The only choke-up moment of the weekend occurred at the Sunday luncheon -- only the lyrics the D.J. played applied more to my brother, who's now the father of three college grads:

Fathers, be good to your daughters,
They're gonna love like you do.
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers,
So mothers, be good to their daughters, too.

BURKARD'S BEST BETS, SPECIAL EVENT EDITION: Gasoline on Bannister Road in Kansas City for $1.83 a gallon.... Diet Pepsi with lime beats Diet Coke with lime.... and please Cinnabon, open a store in Peachtree Mall....

More Blog Special Event updates as conditions warrant....

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