30 MAY 05: HIGHWAY 40 BLUES

It was sad to learn Sunday evening that the predicted Georgia highway death toll for Memorial Day weekend has been passed already. If you're out driving on this holiday, PLEASE don't be as sloppy as those NASCAR drivers were in Charlotte....

I beat the holiday rush, of course, by going on a long road trip before Memorial Day. I wound up traveling about 2,500 miles in eight days - with NO cruise control on my car. It was almost enough to prepare me to audition for a Hopalong Cassidy movie.

Part of the road trip took me across Interstate 40 from Oklahoma City (through Carrie Underwood's Checotah, Oklahoma) to Memphis. And in the green hills of western Arkansas, a state trooper lurked in the middle of the highway. I almost wonder why his car wasn't teal blue, to blend into the scenery.

With the speed limit at 70 miles per hour, I went around a bend at 75 and saw the trooper's car. I slowed at once to 65 -- realizing without cruise control, I still need to learn how to use the left foot on my accelerator or balance.

The Arkansas trooper's car came out of hiding after I passed. I stayed at 65 miles per hour, watching him in my rear-view mirror. I'd already fouled up my budget for the trip, finding the one suburban Oklahoma City "cut-rate" motel costing me $54 for a night.

After about 30 seconds, the trooper turned on his blinking lights. They're not "blue light specials" in Arkansas - more yellow with hints of red, as if pulled-over drivers are in for a "fall."

After thinking it over, I still can't recall the last time I was pulled over by ANY law officer short of a driver's license checkpoint. The only tickets I've received in 21 years as a Georgia resident were for a couple of crashes in 1994. Just because they happened on the same day at opposite ends of the same highway entrance ramp was a mere coincidence....

I tend to be a weirdo on the highway - a driver who actually tries to stick to the speed limit. People told me for years in Atlanta that was impossible. But if you can keep the 18-wheelers from shoving you onto the shoulder of I-285, this IS possible.

But here I faced potential trouble for going 75 in a 70 mile-per-hour zone -- and with a Georgia tag on my car in Arkansas. Before you ask: no, I didn't even think of any college football jokes to tell the officer....

I knew to reach for my drivers' license and insurance card -- but surprise number one occurred when the trooper came to the passenger's side window to seek them. Perhaps he saw that tape from Minnesota of a law officer getting plowed over by a passing car. And perhaps that's why he wanted me to open the door -- to protect him further.

I reached my vital papers through the passenger's window and unlocked the door. But the trooper probably could see my passenger's seat was filled with a briefcase. If the guy was a fraud, he couldn't carjack me without banging his head into the ceiling of my Honda.

Then it was time for questioning - but the Arkansas trooper never brought up speeding. "Is this car supposed to be red?" You see how courteous I was - by slowing to 65 miles per hour, he had plenty of time to do a vehicle check on me.

"When I bought this car, the sticker said it was red," I explained - and that's true. Only it's not Georgia Bulldog red. If anything, it's cranberry red - even darker than those Arkansas football uniforms with funny-looking pigs on the helmets.

"Have you had this car painted?" he asked. "It sure isn't red." No, I hadn't -- although Continental Carbon certainly tried to paint it black with air pollution.

The Arkansas state trooper wanted to know where I was going and where I had been. "I went to a niece's commencement."

"A commencement? Is that like a graduation?" Why yes, it was. In fact, they're sort of the same thing - although I didn't dare ask the officer if he'd been part of either one.

"Are you a professor?" he asked next. I did have a beard, grown for more than two weeks. People at church said it would make me look distinguished -- maybe just distinguished enough to be picked out of a state trooper's lineup.

"No, I'm not a professor," I replied.

"I thought you said something about a thesis."

"No, it was my niece's commencement." Imagine if I'd told the officer I worked for T-SYS.

"What does that mean?" The state trooper still was stumped.

"Well, my older brother has three daughters...." And you thought people in Arkansas knew all about family bloodlines - maybe a bit too personally at times.

Finally the trooper seemed to get my point. "I'd never heard of a 'niece's' before." Maybe he came from a family of monks.

The Arkansas state trooper reviewed my license and insurance card - then said: "You take care." This apparently was one of those "routine traffic stops" they mention on TV newscasts. Yes, civil rights leaders -- they actually DO occur sometimes....

(Instant Message to all Columbus Police officers: If this trooper from another state pulled me over and found no reason to punish me, you don't have to keep following me around downtown.)

After being polite to this seemingly puzzled trooper all this time, I finally gave him some helpful advice as I reclaimed my insurance card. "I really DID save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

Now some other notes to officially wrap up our latest BLOG SPECIAL EVENT:

+ A bus from the People's Baptist Church in Morrow, Georgia passed me on Interstate 24 in Kentucky. I was tempted to follow it for a while -- to see if people were heading for that Harrah's casino just across the Ohio River in Illinois.

+ Why is it that the mile markers going northbound in Kentucky are sometimes two-tenths of a mile off? In other words, a one-mile distance really is 1.2 miles. Is this a sneaky plot to pull over at a gas station, for an odometer checkup?"

+ Hopkinsville, Kentucky has a radio station with the call letters WHOP. In parts of New York state, I doubt this combination would be tolerated....

+ As I stopped for dinner at a McDonald's in Paducah, Kentucky, a group of Amish-looking people walked in the door. The women had long look-alike dresses and head covers. The men had long black coats. But they must have walked to the restaurant from somewhere - because no horses were tied down anywhere.

+ As I drove across the Kansas City area on Interstate 435, I was passed by a black four-by-four with a Missouri "DARTH V" license plate. These Star Wars movie promoters will stop at nothing....

+ As for that niece's commencement in Kansas: I almost lost track of other relatives after the ceremony because I picked up four University of Kansas soda cups from the football stadium bleachers. I think they understood when I explained: "They're letting perfectly good dinnerware go to waste."

+ How in the world can Emporia, Kansas have a freestanding Starbucks Coffee shop, while Columbus still does not? Emporia has fewer than 30,000 people -- and I doubt that many drivers of cattle trucks have Starbucks taste buds.

+ My pastor predicted in early April he was "almost positive" gas prices would reach $2.50 a gallon by Memorial Day - yet the most expensive fill-up I had was for $2.07 a gallon in Forrest City, Arkansas. At this rate, the minister's lengthy insights into "prophetic trends" are going to lose me....

+ The return trip took me down the planned Interstate 22, from Memphis to Birmingham. For all the nice words from Alabama Governor Bob Riley, why hasn't he mentioned Mississippi's section of the four-lane highway is finished -- while Alabama's portion still has a couple of slow detours?

(And how far into Jefferson County is I-22 going to go? It took me about 30 minutes to drive from the county line to Interstate 20 in mid-afternoon - so maybe they need to build a bicycle lane instead.)

+ I hadn't driven through Birmingham in years, and didn't realize the well-to-do suburbs south of town had Spectrum stations. Customers there might see the signs promoting the Mustang giveaway from "Fox 54," and conclude that's the year when the car was made.

COMING THIS WEEK: A local civil rights leader seeks online fame....

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