17 MAY 05: NO HELP WANTED

"Do you have 80 cents?" asked the man on the other side of the pay phone Monday afternoon. I knew pay phones were in short supply these days, but is BellSouth still trying to make a profit from them?

This pay phone is on the corner of Fourth Street and Second Avenue -- in the parking lot of a Spectrum store more famous for selling lots of lottery tickets. If you're spending dollars to win a lottery fortune, you're probably not as likely to afford a cell phone plan.

The man was on the business side of the pay phone, as I walked by on the sidewalk side. The noisy traffic heading toward the Oglethorpe Bridge made me ask for a rerun of what he said - and yes, he asked for 80 cents. At least this beggar realized you need more than a quarter nowadays for something to eat.

"What do you need the money for?"

"I'm trying to make a long distance call." Trouble is, I tend to carry less than a dollar in coins. Less jingling equals fewer beggars.

Lacking the change, I offered a better idea. "I only live about a block from here. You can use my phone, at four-point-nine cents a minute. Costs less on my bill." And with no monthly fee, the deal is so good that other long-distance companies seem to have finally surrendered - since their telemarketers haven't called in weeks.

"Thank you, anyway." The stranger turned down my offer of a free phone call - which means two things. He's not a Fort Benning soldier, and he's not a wanted criminal.

I walked on to a convenience store to buy a bag of corn chips. On the way back, I heard more words which seemed to call out to me: "Habla español?" A few miles down the road, Fourth Street turns into Victory Drive -- where at least half the people would say yes.

This second man was standing in what used to be the Lo Bucks discount gas station, at Fourth and Third. The gas tanks have been dug up, and the concrete spot with an overhang has become a corner for street peddling. Amazingly, on Monday they were selling flags of Mexico - but none of the Confederacy.

An older man in a motorized wheelchair sat at the edge of this shopping spot, as a man in the overhang area held some kind of jewelry. "Habla español?" he repeated. It appeared to me this wheelchair-bound man might not know how to say quesadilla properly.

I strolled over to the gentleman with the jewelry. "Yo hablo español," I told him -- which means I speak Spanish. "Interpretando?!?" This wasn't my first attempt at linguistic intervention. Years ago, I helped a couple of customers in line at the College Park city hall with their electric bill. But of course, they didn't leave me a tip.

But it turned out the man with the jewelry didn't need any translation help from me. "This man's a friend of mine," he said of the man in the wheelchair. "I was just having some fun with him." Maybe if I walked back and forth outside Columbus Park Crossing....

A writer in the church denomination I attend suggests we should all do a good deed for someone each day. Monday I tried to do that twice - and twice was turned down. Maybe I was right all along to quit scouting in the Cub Scouts.

Let's walk home now, and check news items from Monday:

+ The Muscogee County School District officially committed to buying new buses, and building a new Rigdon Road Elementary School. But the members never set dates for when these things would happen -- which means they've been learning carefully from Columbus Council.

+ Several Muscogee County judges went to the Columbus Police firing range, for training with firearms. Don't the judges have weapons in their courtrooms already? A well-tossed gavel could knock somebody out cold....

(Columbus Police refused to let WRBL show which judges went through target practice. But here's a hint for all criminals - Judge Bobby Peters was once a law officer.)

+ Lee Road 148 was closed until further notice, due to continuing problems with sinkholes. Residents on this road should look on the bright side. There's never been a better time to work on their golf shots.

+ WXTX "News at Ten" showed a man in the Atlanta area whose pickup is fueled by recycled vegetable oil. My question isn't about how well it works, or how much money you save. It's whether you should use olive oil instead of soybean oil, to preserve the life of the engine.

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