for 14 MAY 05: RANKED NUMBER TWO

Vice President Cheney spoke to graduating seniors at Auburn University Friday. The university expected a big crowd, and limited graduates to only six tickets for relatives per person. Remember, Republicans stand for family values....

The first surprise for Auburn graduates may have come when Dick Cheney was introduced. Considering Ed Richardson's situation, shouldn't this visitor have been called the "Interim Vice President?"

The Vice President's remarks recalled a host of Auburn traditions -- from Toomer's Corner to Samford Hall to "Cater Hall call-outs." In eight years in this area, I'd never heard of that last one before. At my old college, people usually were called outside to be thrown in fountains.

(So does Vice President Cheney have an Auburn graduate on his speech writing team? Or did the campus Young Republicans help him, as a political science class finals project?)

Vice President Cheney tried to win over the Auburn audience by saying a 13-0 football season "sounds a lot like a national champion to me." So where's the proposal before Congress to order a national playoff?

(Come to think of it, this explains why the Vice President attended Auburn's commencement. One good "number two" deserves another....)

Vice President Cheney also declared Auburn "one of our nation's great universities." It's a wonder one-third of the faculty didn't walk out right then in disbelief....

People expecting a pro-Republican message from the Vice President were left disappointed. Instead, he reflected quite a bit on his education and career. For one thing, he could have been Dr. Dick Cheney - but "had trouble coming up with a topic" for his dissertation. He could write one now, on a guide to "secure undisclosed locations."

Before then, Vice President Cheney admitted he was "asked to leave" Yale University - not once, but twice. That's the sign of a good Vice President. He's always making his boss look impressive by comparison.

When he graduated from the University of Wyoming, Dick Cheney said he never imagined a career in government. But he noted unexpected turns and sudden opportunities can happen. That loud "amen" you may have heard in the audience came from Tommy Tuberville....

Vice President Cheney told the class of 2005 it's good to set plans for your life - but he predicted in ten years, many seniors "will find yourselves following a very different course." This is the closest statement we've heard yet to the Bush administration proposing a military draft.

The Vice President also recalled the day he interviewed for a Congressional fellowship - and the interviewer was then-Congressman Donald Rumsfeld. Don't you get the feeling Mr. Cheney still is trying to impress Mr. Rumsfeld, even now?

Dick Cheney half-jokingly suggested Auburn graduates lead search committees - because he led the search for George W. Bush's running mate five years ago, and wound up on the ticket. I'm left wondering how many current Auburn students applied to be trustees last year.

The Vice President encouraged Auburn seniors NOT to give up when moments of failure or disappointment occur. Of course, the message might have been different if Hillary Rodham Clinton been in the hall....

Vice President Cheney also suggested Auburn's graduates develop the habitat of showing gratitude, and never take anything for granted. Unless, of course, polls show you're leading in Alabama by 20 percentage points two weeks before the election.

When Vice President Gore visited Columbus State University several years ago, his lunch-hour speech was televised live. No station presented Vice President Cheney's Friday speech at Auburn live -- so I'm assuming angry relatives outside kept unplugging the cameras in protest.

(Let's be honest, though: which one really was more exciting -- Vice President Cheney speaking to Auburn seniors, or that woman with the "Spud Farmers For Bob" T-shirt winning $11,000 in "The Price is Right" Showcase Showdown?)

Vice President Cheney's commencement speech lasted only 13 minutes - then he went on to a political fund-raiser in Auburn. It almost leaves you wondering which event he considered the most important of the day....

Vice President Cheney's second stop in Auburn was the university's hotel and conference center. He spoke at a luncheon for Rep. Mike Rogers, with tickets costing $250 a plate. By comparison, most Auburn graduates were satisfied with one last meal at Guthrie's.

We're told there were NO protests of the Vice President's appearance at Auburn. So where were all the antiwar demonstrators who gathered at Toomer's Corner two years ago? Did they have to hurry down to Orange Beach, to apply for summer restaurant jobs?

While Auburn University graduates heard from the Vice President, the commencement speaker for Chattahoochee Valley Community College Friday evening was Mike Gaymon of the Columbus Chamber of Commerce. I'm sure Gaymon tried his best to talk the graduates out of moving to Tuscaloosa for their junior year.

Now other odds and ends from a free-Frosty Friday (did you take advantage of that?):

+ Fort Benning escaped the ax, in the Defense Department's proposed base closings. In fact, this area could gain about 10,000 military personnel. Miriam Tidwell might want to stretch next fall's "God Bless Fort Benning" event to a couple of weeks, to accommodate everyone.

(However, the Defense Department suggests the closing of Fort Gillem and Fort McPherson in Atlanta - leaving the city wide open to new processions from Sumter County, demanding the old Georgia flag come back.)

+ GPB television's "Georgia Business Report" happened to focus on Columbus and military expansion. An executive with Columbus Water Works suggested federal and state grants might be needed, to pay for necessary water and sewer system improvements. You mean Benning soldiers can't do this, as part of foxhole-digging practice?!

(The GPB story revealed "Bayonet" reporter Bridgett Siter is married to a Fort Benning sergeant major. I've heard the pen is mightier than the sword, so why isn't she the newspaper editor?)

+ Four suspects were arrested for that theft of tons of cottonseed from an Americus store. Next time, they should try sunflower seeds -- because at least you can try eating all the evidence.

+ The "Second Chance Prom" appeared at the Columbus Civic Center, featuring "Chubby Checker and guests." If he had specifically named some of my high school crushes, I might have gone to this.... especially Kellee....

+ Which laundromat south of Victory Drive has put a sign on its change machine saying, "Do not take $10.00 bill"? Sad to say, I didn't see any such bill around the sign - so I fear someone took it.

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