9 MAY 05: SEX AND THE SINGLE SUPERPOWER

"Here's what I want you to do," the caller told me Sunday night. "Get a Webster's Dictionary, and look up the word asexual."

Honestly - this call came totally out of the blue. I'm not sure if the man knew who I was, whether or not he read this blog, or whether he was making a mean point about the trip to the flower shop I mentioned here Sunday.

Always attempting to provide good customer service, I hurried to grab a Webster's Dictionary. "Did you say consensual?"

"No, asexual." At times like this, I wish the Columbus Public Library kept later hours on Sundays.

"What does the definition say?" Yes, he wanted me to read him the dictionary definition of "asexual." I wondered if some corners of Columbus might consider this telephone foreplay.

The Webster's Dictionary before me had three definitions of asexual, but the caller stopped me in the middle of the scientifically biological second one.

"Stop right there. You see, you can't always have a democracy. You've always had a contrast. Your Communism -- good and evil. So think about that, the next time we try to cozy up to Moscow." C'mon, admit it. Don't asexual plants make YOU think of world politics?

"Have a good evening," the man then said. His call to me was finished. As they say in Washington, I was left to "connect the dots" - and left to hope this man doesn't become a Columbus version of the BTK case in Kansas.

I'm not really sure what sparked such a call at 8:45 on a Sunday night. Perhaps this man felt provoked by something he'd seen on TV. Given what he said, he might have been flipping back and forth between the Playboy Channel and Fox News.

No, I will NOT guess here as to what the man meant with his statements. I might get it wrong, and spark a flood of further calls. He can submit e-mail to get his point across directly -- but it might not be as much fun for him, because you'd probably read dictionary definitions privately and quietly.

I don't recall ever hearing this man's voice on WRCG's "TalkLine." But he reminded me of so many calls to that program, and what makes them different from callers to shows in Atlanta. Columbus callers have trouble getting to their points -- as if their mouths are caught in an Atlanta-style traffic jam.

Pay close attention to Columbus call-in shows, and you'll hear it - a couple of "how-are-you" sentences, then about a minute to "set up" the point callers really want to make. It's as if callers are trying to be incredibly polite, and not upset anybody. But isn't that why Russ Hollenbeck isn't hosting "TalkLine" anymore?

In a way, the radio and TV phone callers reflect the difference between Columbus and Atlanta in general. This is considered a "slower" Southern city, while Atlanta is loaded with fast pace and hustle. That can annoy me at times - but then I remember the Columbus callers also don't use nearly as many four-letter words.

But sometimes this slowness can come from other places. A telephone survey-taker called me Sunday, as I was racing to change into dressy clothes for an emergency assignment. She wanted to know all about gas-powered generators to power my home -- a fad which went out of style here after Hurricane Ivan broke up.

The survey-taker wanted to know if I owned a gas-powered generator, which names of manufacturers I knew, where I would turn to buy one - all this to someone who doesn't have room for a generator in an apartment, and barely has room to put a queen-sized bed in his bedroom....

This woman even wanted to know about the last time my power went out -- how long it lasted, and whether I expected it to happen again in the next 12 months. If I blogged all these pesky details of my life, it would be even less funny than it is already.

It didn't help that the survey-taker had one of those "outsourcing" sounds to her voice. The brand name Kohler came out of her mouth sounding like "caller." If I learn someday she called me from Moscow, the circle of this Sunday will become amazingly complete.

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION refired Sunday, to get your direct opinion on another phone call. Should a Spencer High School student have been suspended, for what happened during a call from his mother in Iraq? Or was he merely repeating bad language which soldiers in Iraq hear all the time now?

Don't be surprised if Kevin Francois shows up on TV talk shows today, discussing his suspension from Spencer High. The Muscogee County School District reduced his punishment from ten days to three, after his case gained national attention. Wait until people learn this district had classes on Memorial Day a few years ago....

Superintendent John Phillips says Kevin Francois was punished NOT for taking a cell phone call from his mother in Iraq, but for using profanity and making threats when he was told to hang up. I guess the era of using former Cottonmouths coach Bruce Garber as a role model are officially over.

Kevin Francois told WXTX "News at Ten" Sunday a Spencer High faculty member wouldn't listen, when he tried to explain he was moving the cell phone call from his mother outside the building for better reception. So perhaps the listening problem isn't confined simply to electronics....

Kevin Francois is scheduled to return to Spencer High School today, and resume class after what WRBL called "consultations." So how many attorneys do you think will be present - one, two or more?

Kaffie Sledge wrote a weekend column suggesting Kevin Francois has been in trouble at Spencer High School before. That's the problem with calling young people such as Francois "military brats" - some feel they have a reputation to uphold.

Sunday's Ledger-Enquirer reported the Muscogee County School Board will discuss its cell phone policy during a work session tonight. Perhaps the answer is have parents call school offices, and have students talk with mothers and fathers there -- you know, back in the good old days of the 1980's.

Now let's text-message along some other items from Sunday:

+ The Ledger-Enquirer reported assistant superintendent Brenda Dozier will leave the Muscogee County Schools June 30. Her husband Willie retired as Columbus Police Chief less than a year ago - so I guess they're officially surrendering local power to the Hugley family.

+ The Columbus Ledger-Enquirer published the names and photos of every "Page One Award" winner over the last 30 years. I checked every one of them, and only recognized one rather famous name - pro golfer Angela Jerman. If she keeps missing the cut at L.P.G.A. events, that number could drop to zero....

(AFLAC executive and community activist Karl Douglass was in the special section. He won a Page One Award in 1986 for English. When none of the "citizenship" winners are holding public office in Columbus after 30 years, is this a good sign?)

+ The annual "Cotton Pickin' Fair" concluded in the Meriwether County town of Gay, Georgia. I keep waiting for conservative Christians to show up in this town and demand a name change....

+ "Sesame Street Live" wrapped up a weekend stop at the Columbus Civic Center. I didn't attend this, so can anyone tell me - did produce dealers from the State Farmers Market try to prevent the Cookie Monster from appearing?

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