3 MAY 05: CHIRPY CHIRPY BANG BANG

As I prepared for dinner Monday evening, there was a pop outside my home. This would be noteworthy under any definition of "pop" - as my dad died three years ago, and people in my complex are much more likely to drink beer.

But this "pop" was a noise - and a turn toward the front window revealed its source. My next-door neighbor stood in his doorway, with what looked like a double-barreled shotgun. Well, at least he wasn't wearing a camouflage outfit....

I've lived at this complex long enough to guess what was happening. My neighbor might be shooting BB's at birds in the courtyard of the complex. Maybe if police opened their shooting range to the public, residents wouldn't be firing shots around my apartment - and the city might make extra money.

But I've also lived at this complex long enough to know some people can go wild with weapons (see the LaughLine Flashback below). So I approached my front door with caution, as my neighbor stepped back outside his after stepping inside for a moment. Thankfully, the front window had no bullet holes.

I put my hands up at the screen door - and I didn't have a shirt on as I did this. If my neighbor was threatening to cause trouble, I was going to "disarm" him one way or another....

It turned out my original guess was right. My neighbor was firing at songbirds in the courtyard. Someone needs to give this man a fishing pole for Father's -- hey, why wait? Thursday is Cinco de Mayo.

This wasn't the first time this neighbor has engaged in "urban hunting." There was the Saturday morning in January when I returned from a neighborhood walk, and found him chasing a squirrel - even trying to swat it with the handle of his gun! This is why the Columbus area needs more bowling centers....

I really don't think the neighbors in my complex fire BB's at birds because they're looking for a free dinner. I suspect they're testing their aim - and besides, they might not have the money to afford any violent video games.

Remember the talk a few years ago about opening a park at the north edge of Columbus for hunting? It turns out "urban hunters" can be in very unexpected places, such as the Historic District. So if you're walking through the neighborhood, take my advice - look around all ways before you pass a bird feeder.

That reminds me -- Instant Message to Columbus animal control: Two black dogs are wandering around the Historic District and the Riverwalk AGAIN! I've come upon them while running the last two mornings. They chased me for awhile Sunday - but I kept my hands open long enough, I think they finally decided I was NOT carrying food.

E-MAIL UPDATE: We mentioned Sunday there was a local Elvis Presley impersonator in the HBO TV-movie "Warm Springs." That prompted this brief note:

another local in the movie Warm Springs? FOP President Randy Robertson

I'm tempted to say something about Robertson expanding his TV acting career beyond the 6:00 p.m. news -- but no. Based on everything the Fraternal Order of Police leader says, he needs the money from those movie roles.

(Then again, will Randy Robertson ever be able to watch the finished TV-movie? If I can't afford basic cable, I doubt a police officer like him can pay for premium channels like HBO.)

We certainly were reminded Monday night of the risks police officers face. Our best wishes to Lieutenant Mark Starling, who was wounded in a Peachtree Mall shootout. And our thanks to mall stores such as Macy's and Dillard's for not selling bulletproof vests to criminals -- although they could do something about those skimpy clothes for girls.

(Did I see what I thought WRBL showed - a quote from Mayor Bob Poydasheff, saying cases like this are why he wants to give police "hazardous duty pay?" Of all the times to bring up THAT topic! And besides, will $200 pay this officer's hospital bill?)

Another branch of public safety made news earlier in the day. Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson announced 17 people have been arrested in a crackdown on improperly registered sex offenders. And here's the most important news - as far as we know, deputies have shot absolutely none of them.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson says 188 convicted sex offenders are registered improperly in Muscogee County. They may not be registered at all. They may be listed with the incorrect address. Or they might really think "John Doe" is a good make-up name.

One of the 57 convicted sex offenders facing Muscogee County warrants was arrested in New York. So much for him going on the Montel Williams Show, to share his heartwarming story of turning around his life.

Over the years in Columbus, I've heard rumors about one big-name business executive being a convicted sex offender from California. But this man is NOT listed in the Georgia online records. And if I ask him about it in person, I think my chances for an insider's discount will go right out the window....

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: The last time a nearby neighbor fired a gun, he was drunk and it was scary. Here's how we described it in LaughLine five years ago:

25 Oct 00: About 11:30 Tuesday night, a man sat down on the porch two doors down from LaughLine World Headquarters - and fired a shotgun! As you might expect, we were shocked. After all, this was BEFORE the Mets took the lead over the Yankees.

(We'd told this man about our collision with a deer the other night, but apparently never explained it happened 200 miles away.)

We went to our door and asked the man about the loud bang we'd heard. "That was me," he said with the shotgun open. "You'd better close the door."

"Why did you do that?" we dared to ask.

"I'm crazy." (Isn't it refreshing to know some people aren't afraid to ADMIT this?)

"Same reason I burned my clothes in the yard and that other thing in the yard," the neighbor continued. The clothing we didn't remember - but he DID set fire to a couch pillow about 20 feet from our front door on a Sunday night a couple of years ago. We figured then he'd fallen asleep while smoking. Now we wonder if the man was testing his smoke detector battery.

"Close the door now," he repeated, more as a statement of fact than a threat. We did close our door - then quietly went to the phone and called 911. (Our window was open, so we talked almost in a whisper.) Then we went back to watching the baseball game - prone on the floor. Now we know how New Yorkers will feel after one team wins the World Series.

About 15 minutes later came a loud knock at our door. We turned on the outside light and opened it only a couple of inches, our body angled so it wouldn't be in a line of fire -- but no one was there. Moments later, we heard police talking to the shooter. He admitted firing into the air, saying something about frustration with folks knocking on doors in the neighborhood. Wow -- we simply told the cable guy we didn't want service.

We finally opened the door, and found five police officers around. They took the shotgun shooter to jail, after asking about other weapons in his apartment. We don't know if he had any - but we wanted them to find his hunting license, while they were inside.

(This leads to our legal tip of the day: many libraries have books with forms you can copy - so you can update your will.)

27 Oct 00: Speaking of scary moments, we thought you'd want to know the neighbor who fired a shotgun Tuesday night made bail - and came home making loud threats against us. But since then, all has been quiet. Maybe he misread the calendar, and marked Halloween a week early?!

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