21 NOV 07: A HATCHET JOB
It's the eve of Thanksgiving - and countless cartoons are likely to show a turkey fleeing for its life from a hatchet-holding pilgrim. Let's all be thankful the pilgrims moved beyond nooses long ago....
But a hatchet made the local news Tuesday, in a strange way. A man appeared in Recorder's Court on charges of using a hatchet and a ladder to get inside a Columbus bank branch. The only place where this approach might make sense is SunTrust on 13th Street -- but breaking the message sign at the top of the building would give yourself away.
Anthony Jones is accused of breaking into the roof of the CB&T branch on Second Avenue Monday morning. I suppose this beats walking into the lobby. And maybe he believed those stories about bank executives having penthouse offices and golden parachutes.
But Columbus Police say Anthony Jones made a big mistake. He reportedly made so much noise breaking into the branch roof that the bank staff walked outside to avoid him. Police did NOT reveal if Jones tried something similar to this years ago, to elope with a girlfriend.
Police say once Anthony Jones went through the ceiling of the CB&T branch and found nobody there, he walked outside and was arrested. There's an obvious lesson here - if you start at the top, there's nowhere to go but down.
Breaking into a bank through the roof only earned this suspected bank robber a set of handcuffs. He didn't even have a chance to go to a teller, and ask for the undisclosed amount of cash that police like to talk about.
But it could have been worse for the robbery suspect. I've heard plenty of stories about people trying to break into restaurants through the roof, only to get stuck in chimneys. When it's a barbecue restaurant, it gives a whole new meaning to "pulled pork."
Police say Anthony Jones is 49 years old. So should he found guilty and go to prison for attempted bank robbery, will he be able to put this week's experience to good use? Or will he be too old to apply for work as a firefighter?
The name of this suspect admittedly rang a sad bell for me. I went to church with a younger Anthony Jones years ago, and he borrowed hundreds of dollars from me to buy a car. Even though we signed a mutual agreement, to this day he's never repaid the loan. Yet he somehow found the money to get married....
Before we borrow a ladder and jump off a roof, let's check other Tuesday news....
+ About one year before its grand opening, the National Infantry Museum provided a special tour for Columbus Police. Chief Ricky Boren told WRBL the project shows why Columbus should approve a one-cent sales tax for public safety next year. For one thing, the retired soldiers honored there will be too old to take police jobs.
+ The Phenix City Council voted to require written records of all metal recycling transactions, beginning in January. As the late Johnnie Cochran might put it: the wrong kind of bling could mean no cha-ching.
+ The Opelika Chamber of Commerce announced plans for a two-mile development project along Interstate 85, to employ thousands of people. "Celebrate Alabama" will include monuments to famous Alabamians, as well as an indoor water park - so don't be surprised if one diving board is reserved for a bronze statue of Rowdy Gaines.
(Something doesn't seem quite right about this project. Why would you announce something called "Celebrate Alabama" so close to Auburn, during Iron Bowl week?)
+ The Oprah Winfrey Show presented its annual "favorite things" special - which was taped in Macon last week. From the way the women screamed, thousands of middle Georgia homes must be more desperate for hand mixers than I imagined.
(No, I'm not kidding. When Oprah Winfrey unveiled Kitchen-Aid hand mixers as a "favorite thing," the audience in Macon screamed with delight. If I gave one of those to my wife or girlfriend, I'd do well to get more than a handshake.)
+ Georgia endured over Elon in men's college basketball 76-65. Billy Humphrey was restored to the Georgia roster, one day after Mike Mercer was kicked off the team. It's almost like Coach Dennis Felton is trying out to manage a fantasy league team.
+ Troy trampled Middle Tennessee 45-7, in an unusual Tuesday night college football game. The Trojans now go home for Thanksgiving - and the linemen may come back as wide as the middle of Tennessee.
+ Instant Message to R. Kelly: OK, today marks one week since your tour began in Columbus. In that time, Keyshia Cole reportedly threw a fit, your publicist quit - and now I read online that you kicked Ne-Yo off the tour?! Which cable channel will show this reality series?!
(And by the way - after seeing Ne-Yo on TMZ with Hayden Panettiere, he definitely traded up.)
THE BLOG OF AMERICA: Today is "World Hello Day." Are striking members of the Writers' Guild allowed to write even that word?
+ President Bush and his wife told ABC News they have no clue about who will win next November's election. For one thing, the CIA intelligence report from New Hampshire hasn't reached the Oval Office yet.
+ Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama admitted to a group of students he did drugs and drank when he was a teenager. Among Democrats, this is no big deal. Among Republicans, Obama would be quitting the race today.
+ Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee gained an unusual endorsement - from former pro wrestling champion "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Why would Flair choose Huckabee? Is he "custom fit from head to toe?" Or is it because Huckabee is a minister, so he knows something about "walking that aisle?"
+ Rep. John Murtha of Pennsylvania expressed skepticism about providing more money for the fighting in Iraq. He actually asked reporters in Washington if they believe the Pentagon. Well, you're more likely to hear exaggerated war stories at a Veterans Affairs home....
+ Cable talk show host Bill O'Reilly returned from a hush-hush weekend trip to Afghanistan. People in Washington weren't really stunned by the trip - but they were stunned by the fact that O'Reilly was able to keep quiet about it for all of three days.
+ The U.S. Supreme Court agreed to consider a challenge to the Washington, D.C. handgun rules. The capital city bars citizens from owning guns - which of course is designed to protect lame ducks like President Bush.
+ The price of oil hit another record high, closing on futures markets at $98.03 a barrel. This is getting so out of hand that gas customers may demand oil companies learn a lesson from ice cream companies - and switch to smaller-sized barrels.
+ Arizona religious sect leader Warren Jeffs was sentenced to two consecutive terms of five years to life. If he stays for the maximum sentence on the first count, has he already faced the day of judgment after the resurrection?
+ A judge in Kentucky ruled a husband is allowed to see e-mails his wife sent at work. Bobbie Malmer works in a state job, and her husband suspects she had an affair with another state employee. This is one case where "IM" might not mean Instant Message - but Interim Man.
+ Neil Diamond revealed he wrote the classic song "Sweet Caroline" in honor of Caroline Kennedy. So where did he get the inspiration for "Cracklin' Rosie" - from Rosie O'Donnell?
+ NBC revealed the cast of the upcoming "Celebrity Apprentice" will include Gene Simmons from the rock band Kiss. Well, that would be a first - someone sticking his tongue out at Donald Trump in the board room.
+ As we mentioned earlier, Oprah Winfrey presented her annual "Favorite Things" show. Other talk show hosts tried to compete as best they could - with Steve Wilkos presenting his "Five Favorite Screaming Rants," and Maury Povich offering his "Favorite Dances by Disproved DNA Daddies."
+ An international conference on toilets opened in South Korea. We'd say we were flush with excitement about this - but most of the delegates probably have used that line already.
E-MAIL UPDATE: For the first time since we started writing online monologues in place of the striking writers, we have a comment about one of our items....
Have you noticed how much Queen Elizabeth looks like the pictures of George Washington? Poor Charles,at this rate he will be ancient before he becomes king.
No, I hadn't noticed the similarity -- but President Washington seemed to have a lot more hair.
SCHEDULED THURSDAY: We'll spend the holiday playing e-mail catch-up....
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