16 NOV 07: WAR AND PEACE

It's very tempting to put this weekend's events in Columbus along the lines in our title. But this title always reminds me of an old Woody Allen joke - about how he speed read the classic novel "War and Peace." His conclusion? "It's about Russia."

The organizers of God Bless Fort Benning and SOA Watch are ready for their dueling weekend gatherings in Columbus. And for the first time in years, their paths actually may cross -- as both groups have events planned downtown. It's no wonder the Budweiser Clydesdales are remaining neutral, and appearing at Callaway Gardens.

God Bless Fort Benning has moved its Saturday celebration downtown, in part because it now has an office at 1012 Broadway. That's where Cumbaa Shoes used to be - so you'd think SOA Watch would have taken this spot, so protesters could sing "Cumbaa-Yah" every week.

The new headquarters of God Bless Fort Benning sounds a bit like a USO station. Soldiers can stop by and use free services such as wireless Internet connections. But this leaves one big lingering question. Why isn't there a downtown doughnut shop, to feed these troops?

(The Metro Columbus Home Builders Association donated about $60,000 worth of renovations, for the new God Bless Fort Benning office. Compare this with SOA Watch - where I assume the marchers have to cut out their own wooden crosses.)

Apparently because of the new home base, God Bless Fort Benning will be held on several blocks of Broadway this weekend. I have to say "apparently" because the organizers always deny their event is in response to SOA Watch - yet it's always on the same weekend, and the first two just happened to be tried alongside the big Sunday protest.

The chair of this year's God Bless Fort Benning Day is former Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff. This probably disappoints some cynics in the police department -- but c'mon now: how could Poydasheff have kept bagging groceries, after breaking his hip?

God Bless Fort Benning will be an all-day event, beginning around 8:30 a.m. with a 5,000-meter run. Any SOA Watch activists who want to participate will be allowed to go to the front of the line, to give the other runners reason to go faster.

God Bless Fort Benning also will feature food. WLTZ reported Thursday that the six children of Jack and Eve Tidwell will come together, and serve pancakes. Then a bit later, Keni Thomas may add some syrupy songs....

They've really raised the stakes at God Bless Fort Benning this year - and no, I'm NOT talking about Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I heard on TV Thursday that "Santa Claus" will attend. Isn't this amazing?! They may have found a Catholic guy that SOA Watch hasn't brainwashed....

(How will SOA Watch respond to this coup move? Will it bring on the Rivertown Ford dancing turkey, in a Thanksgiving tribute? Or is this pretend "Santa Claus" actually a reaction to all those tall protest puppets?)

But only a few blocks away from God Bless Fort Benning, SOA Watch has reserved the Columbus Trade Center for a weekend of seminars and workshops. At some point, they'll probably share the same route as Fort Benning soldiers - which could make the Tuskegee-Morehouse rivalry look downright friendly.

Do a YouTube search for "Columbus, Georgia" and you'll likely find video clips of SOA Watch protesters downtown. That's what came up when I did a search several months ago - proving the local rap music groups still have some catching up to do.

So as we asked here several weeks ago, what will happen if God Bless Fort Benning people cross paths downtown with SOA Watch people? Will we see classic Southern hospitality and friendliness? Or are we more likely to see an episode of "The O'Reilly Factor" break out -- or even worse, Jerry Springer?

This potential clash of cultures and ideology may explain why God Bless Fort Benning is spending a lot of money on security. The Ledger-Enquirer claims the Broadway rally has hired 31 Columbus police officers. But if Fort Benning soldiers are going to be there, is this really necessary? An SOA Watch provocation could inspire an Iraq flashback.

(Isn't it curious that the pro-military rally in Columbus is hiring dozens of police officers to keep the peace - while the anti-military rally doesn't seem concerned about possible troublemakers mixing in? SOA Watch seems to wait for the police officers to arrest their own protesters.)

While God Bless Fort Benning has to raise money through donations, SOA Watch brings in money from out of town. The Columbus Chamber of Commerce estimates protesters will spend $2.2 million over the weekend. We're not sure if that includes the money spent on Monday, by fence-jumpers posting bail.

Some Victory Drive motels reportedly are booked full this weekend. In fact, they've probably been busy throughout November. First the Fountain City Classic, then the high school cheerleading championship, now SOA Watch - and if those three ever combine, it'll be the loudest and fanciest step show that Fort Benning Road has ever seen.

SOA Watch usually has a celebrity guest or two of its own. This year, Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich plans to attend - so will all the protesters from Iowa and New Hampshire please clearly mark themselves?

We'll see which side makes a bigger impact - and now let's see what news stories hit our brain on Thursday:

+ A Muscogee County school tribunal expelled two Hardaway High School students for the year, because of that noose incident. In related news, all plans to form high school bungee jumping clubs have been postponed indefinitely.

+ A local woman told the evening news she plans to begin a petition drive, to stop a proposed liquor store across the street from Northside High School. I can understand her concern - but what would she want across the street instead? Should convenience stores have "happy hours," and lock the beer cases from 2:30 to 4:30?

+ WRBL reported the Historic Columbus Foundation will begin a community campaign to refurbish the Spencer House at Eighth and Veterans Parkway. The NAACP chapter spent a Saturday there earlier this year - but left with the exterior paint only scraped, not repainted. It was like that proposed Riverfest boycott all over again....

+ Auburn Police reported a gas station on Shug Jordan Parkway was robbed of $10,000. I knew the price of gas was jumping, but this is getting ridiculous....

+ Atlanta-based Pike Family Nurseries filed for bankruptcy protection. I suppose you could blame this on the drought - but couldn't this company start selling cactus instead of geraniums?

+ Jacksonville jarred the Columbus Cottonmouths 4-0 - and the two teams combined for 116 shots on goal. They went to a hockey game, and a basketball game broke out....

(Carmike Cinemas showed the Cottonmouths road game on a movie screen at Columbus Park Crossing, and charged eight dollars a ticket. Does this show how much of a "hockey town" Columbus has become? Or do that many people think prime-time television already is in reruns, from the writers' strike?)

+ Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue announced he'll bring the Columbus Northern and Warner Robins American Little League championship teams together this weekend - to play wiffle ball! This governor needs to stick to things he knows, like prayers for rain.

+ Instant Message to WLTZ Chief Meteorologist Mark Prater: What do you mean, we don't get much snow "down here"?! You're not down here. And last time I checked, Davenport, Iowa seemed to be a little colder in the winter than Columbus.

THE BLOG OF AMERICA: Ellen DeGeneres has canceled plans to do her talk show in New York next week. Members of the Writers' Guild planned to stage protests, because she's crossed their picket line in Hollywood. Well, she's never been accused of spelling her last name "The Generous."

+ A book called "Tree of Smoke" has won the National Book Award. Congratulations to the author -- but I somehow doubt anyone in southern California is going to buy that book for a while.

+ Democratic Presidential candidates held their latest debate in Las Vegas. John Edwards claimed the current system is "broken.... rigged.... corrupt." I wasn't sure if he was talking about government in Washington, or the blackjack tables on the strip.

+ President Bush announced he'll open normally-closed military airspace along the east coast, so commercial flights can move with fewer delays. I thought this President cared about national security - and now he'll invite all sorts of new picture-taking out airplane windows?!

+ Time magazine reported the average U.S. resident sleeps about eight-and-a-half hours a night. Either the people surveyed for this report were questioned on Sunday mornings, or they included the time they sleep on the job.

+ Parents in the Prince George's County, Maryland school system have orders to bring their children to the county courthouse this weekend for vaccinations. If the children don't receive required shots, the parents could be arrested.

+ Baseball home run king Barry Bonds was indicted on four perjury counts. A federal grand jury suspects he lied about not knowingly taking steroids. But wait a minute - no indictment for all the bases Bonds stole years ago?!

(Barry Bonds does NOT have a contract for next season -- but he's been offered a one-year deal by the minor league Washington, Pennsylvania Wild Things. I suppose Bonds could qualify, for having wildly-inflated statistics....)

+ Inside Edition reported "Heroes" star Hayden Panettiere faces an arrest warrant in Japan. Countless teenage guys are bound to be inspired by this -- and make their own warrants to attempt citizens' arrests.

+ The tabloid show TMZ revealed Paris Hilton has a new dog, and has named her Marilyn Monroe. Somehow, I won't be quite as interested in seeing this Marilyn Monroe stand over a steam grate....

(So if a dog named Marilyn Monroe stars in a feature film, should it be called "The One-Year Itch"?!)

+ Arizona upset second-ranked Oregon in college football 34-24. Yippee -- the dream of a national championship appearance keeps building for my alma mater Kansas! Now if long-lost sister school Ar-KANSAS would please beat Louisiana State....

SCHEDULED THIS WEEKEND: Was a local mayor fired from a "day job?" We sort out fact from fiction....

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