25 JAN 06: HOW TO HIDE A BIG BOX

A move is underway which could make large Columbus stores more difficult to find. But it's only fitting, in the home area of Fort Benning and camouflage green uniforms....

The Columbus Planning Department has been working with local agencies and developers on new rules for so-called "big box" stores. These are stores the size of a Wal-Mart, a shopping center the size of Columbus Park Crossing - and maybe cars the size of a modified "stretch limo" Hummer.

City Planning Director Rick Jones apparently is concerned because there aren't many trees around Columbus Park Crossing. There's one obvious way to change this - have the staff at A.C. Moore put bouquets of silk flowers all over the parking lot.

So an ordinance is in the works to set rules for the land around future giant stores, including plenty of trees. It's modeled after the code in Tallahassee, Florida - which may not be a good thing, because Florida State football players may have tried to use those trees to hide their shoplifting.

A preliminary version of this ordinance not only would require trees in the parking lots of "big box" stores, but clearly marked pedestrian walkways. The ones pictured in Tallahassee looked nice and wide - perfect for skateboarders to practice some moves.

The outside design proposal also would require bicycle racks. Yeah, right - like people go to Best Buy or H.H. Gregg on bicycles, to pick up washers and flat-screen televisions.

New large retail stores also would have to show some variety in their building design - and use "appropriate materials." I'm not sure what that means - but I suspect Action Buildings won't like this very much.

The proposal even sets rules for what happens if a large retail business closes. Or as they're calling it at Winn-Dixie -- phase two.

The preliminary ordinance would require large businesses to maintain their parking lots and landscaping after they close. And boarded-up windows would NOT be allowed -- since they certainly didn't work in New Orleans.

City Planning Director Rick Jones says the point of this proposal is to make sure Columbus has retail rules that are "protecting the community." People in Midland probably wish they went farther - to allow bicycles and pedestrians around the new Wal-Mart SuperCenter, but no cars.

The "big box" proposal may have its inspiration in the recent redesign of "The Landings" shopping center along Airport Thruway. A lot more green space has been added, nicer storefronts have gone up -- and the move of that Applebee's restaurant about 500 yards was a stroke of genius.

Now let's store all this in the trunk to guard against theft, and check other headlines from a busy Tuesday:

+ The Georgia Senate approved an amended "Voter ID" bill. Columbus Democrat Ed Harbison opposed the bill, saying restrictive rules of identification will result in "voter constriction." Republicans would argue the alternative is fraud at the polls - and people attempting voter construction.

+ A Georgia House committee approved a bill allowing courthouses to display "historical documents." The Ten Commandments would have to be included with the Declaration of Independence and the Mayflower Compact. Obviously Ed DuBose hasn't heard about this, because the Emancipation Proclamation is missing.

+ Then Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue attended the annual meeting of the Columbus Chamber of Commerce. He said Chambers of Commerce create prosperity, while governments do not. Uh-oh - what tax cut does he plan to take back?

+ Alabama gubernatorial candidate Roy Moore announced he'll help lead the committee for a state constitutional amendment, to ban same-sex marriages. In another shocking development, Auburn University decided to have classes.

+ Banker Aiford Hardin, Jr. announced he'll run for Russell County Probate Judge. Hardin told WRBL he started campaigning "right after my last campaign" six years ago. Apparently things aren't going well - because he couldn't even afford a lectern, for his outdoor announcement.

(Aiford Hardin says he is NOT running for Probate Judge because of all the controversy surrounding incumbent Al Howard. So apparently they agree on one thing: the Probate Judge's office is fine right where it is.)

+ The Russell County Commission approved a tax plan for Industrial Warehouse Services of Cottonton. The business plans to double its space for housing paper products -- once again proving the forecasters of a "paperless society" in the computer age were complete idiots.

+ Phenix City Mayor Jeff Hardin told WRCG's "TalkLine" the annexation of Ladonia is a "good scenario." Let's see him say that to the people who fled there to avoid city taxes....

+ The Georgia Lottery awarded its second big prize in LaGrange in five weeks - as teacher Jon Powell had a million-dollar scratch-off ticket. I'm waiting for Don Siegelman to declare this a "border town" conspiracy, and call again for a state lottery in Alabama.

(Jon Powell says he wants to use the lottery winnings to pay for college for his two children. Yet a daughter said she wants to go to the University of Georgia. Why doesn't she save her parents some money, and get her grades up for a HOPE scholarship?)

+ WRBL visited the Lumpkin Library, and found things much more peaceful from a year ago. For one thing, people who enter with drooping pants now are barred from the building for the day. How they're supposed to check out books about shopping for belts, I have no idea.

+ The jailed twins from Georgia who were approved for "American Idol" spoke out on Atlanta radio. One of them said you can't be a real American Idol "unless you've struggled, unless you've been in poverty, unless you've been abused...."
[True/WVEE-FM] I think this is also required to be a Democratic political candidate.

(Based on this definition, it appears American Idol winners Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood should give up their titles. Why, this show isn't about singing -- it's about whether their parents qualified for the Earned Income Tax Credit.)

+ Kentucky kept Auburn winless in Southeastern Conference men's basketball, 71-62. Auburn broadcaster Rod Bramblett openly called the home crowd "disappointing," and Kentucky announcers noted it was small. So? When do they expect the football team to focus on their studies?

(It probably didn't help that Auburn played a home game at 6:00 p.m. CT on a Tuesday night. Suppertime is an important Alabama tradition - and tailgating outside Beard-Eaves Coliseum simply isn't cool.)

+ Instant Message to Russell County Emergency Management Director Chance Corbett: I'm updating my will - and I hope you'll understand if I don't mention you. After all, I've been told for years: "Leave nothing to Chance."

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