23 JAN 06: TITLES THAT TICKLE

As of Sunday evening, my Yahoo "bulk mail" file had 5,586 messages in it. At this point, I believe I've heard from every Nigerian and Liberian con artist at least four times.

SPAM-A-RAMA: I used to go through my Yahoo bulk mail and clean out the spam which didn't interest me. But I've become so busy that I don't even bother anymore. Since Yahoo deletes messages there after 30 days, it's become to me like a stock market average. The Bulk Index is at 5,586, and trading is moderate.

Sometimes spam e-mails can be good for a laugh - and you don't even have to open them. The computer-generated titles of spam messages can be somewhere between illogical and strange. But then again, some of the big words could help children prepare for a school spelling bee.

Here are some REAL titles of spam e-mails I've received in the last few months - and my thoughts about them:

"YOU TRAVEL THE NICOTINE DETAILED"

That's a misleading accusation. When I walk to convenience stores, I buy cookies or soda -- and sometimes corn chips.

"BE HURT ON SUNFISH RAPTUROUS"

If I fell into that giant new aquarium in Atlanta, that actually could happen.

"BE HOWIE, BUT PROFUSE"

I can't be Howie anymore. Hungry Howie's on Manchester Expressway closed a couple of years ago.

"TO CLEAN A ARAB INGREDIENT VERMICELLI"

Aw, c'mon - how in the world can you clean someone from Saudi Arabia with pasta? You can't even (ahem) conduct a colonoscopy with that.

"IT FILL MY VIVISECTIONIST"

Why Taco Bell is resorting to e-mail advertising, I have no idea.

"A HYPOTHESIS VICK"

My hypothesis is that Michael in Atlanta is smarter than Marcus at Virginia Tech.

"OR MARBLE ROLLO"

Wasn't this a candy commercial years ago? "There are lots of marble Rollos in a roll for you - if you don't care 'bout what you chew...."

"HE SLEEP AS CREAM"

On the top bunk of the bed, I suppose - since cream supposedly rises to the top.

"SWEAT, DO YOU LOVE ME OR NOT?"

No, I did NOT send this message to myself after a run in July....

"HELLO ATOP THAT PRINCESS ACTRESS."

Talk about a case of mistaken identity! I've never even dated Anne Hathaway.

"NOT WANT DO RAPE."

Who WOULD want to do one? Well, besides the registered sex offenders....

"GUARANTEE, IT'S IDIOT"

Amazingly, this was NOT written by a critic of Columbus Council.

"GO TRANSLATE GO REVERBERATION FORMLESS"

What is this supposed to mean? Is someone going to shout across Providence Canyon in Spanish?

"AS DO BY GRUMBLE LOLLIPOP"

I think this describes a little girl being told to clean her room.

"NO MAKE MY PANEL KIN"

Well, why not? A little nepotism always helps in winning government contracts.

"YOU WORRY TO PLANET SMASHER"

Sometimes prayers can be like that....

Let's delete all these e-mails now, and check real events from Sunday:

+ The high temperature in Columbus was a record-tying 76 degrees F. Fort Benning recorded 79, while Atlanta was stuck in the 50's. And so many people think these places are just the opposite -- at least when it comes to their ways of thinking.

+ The Temple Shearith synagogue held its first Martin Luther King, Jr. memorial service. Excuse me for asking a strange question -- but did the nonviolent approach promoted by Dr. King stop the Nazi holocaust?

+ "Miss Georgia" Monica Pang finished second at the Miss America pageant in Las Vegas. She shouldn't give up hope, though -- as maybe some weirdo will post naked photos of Miss Oklahoma online.

+ "Dateline NBC" reported health inspectors went to a Save-A-Lot grocery store in Eatonton, Georgia recently, and found more than 100 expired products. So? Maybe this is how they make the prices so low - by leaving out the preservatives.

+ Pittsburgh and Seattle advanced to Super Bowl XL. The Steelers' offensive coordinator is former Falcon running back Ken Whisenhunt, while the Seahawks' center is former Falcon Robbie Tobeck - so they both seem to know the road to a Super Bowl leads away from Atlanta.

+ Instant Message to the man I saw outside Fourth Street Baptist Church wearing a bright pastel orange top hat and a pinstriped suit: I know Tennessee beat Florida in college basketball on Saturday, but you could have been a bit more modest
about it....

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