28 MAY 08: CHECKS MIXED

SOMEWHERE IN KANSAS -- When vacation time comes, there are choices to make. Do you drive, fly or travel another way? Do you pack something formal, or stick with leisure wear? And should you really risk your stomach on a restaurant with a name you can't pronounce, when a McDonald's is waiting nearby?

On my current family vacation, I faced a different choice - what to do about my mail. Normally, I'd ask the next-door neighbor to watch the box and collect it for me. But this is no ordinary spring. Something special is heading for the mailbox - but no, I'm NOT that desperate for a bride.

I'm away from home while those highly-hyped federal government stimulus checks are in the mail. The mailing schedule posted at the Internal Revenue Service web site shows my check shouldn't arrive until after I get home. But what if it does - and what if the Treasury Departnent wants to make sure you don't miss it, by putting big dollar signs on the envelope?

If my next-door neighbor collected my mail, I'm concerned he might see a stimulus check and be tempted to lift it out of the stack. There are phrases in government for this sort of behavior - things like "set-aside programs."

So I don't tempt my neighbor, I decided to have the Postal Service stop and hold my mail while I'm out of town. Yes, I know - that means I'm throwing the very same temptation on the post office employees. But over on Milgen Road, I think there are security cameras watching over their behavior. Strangely, that almost makes the September 11 attacks a blessing.

But back to those stimulus checks: this is the second time Washington has sent us extra money since George W. Bush became President. When the first one came, I actually tried to turn it into extra cash - by offering it for bids in an online auction. Internet shoppers truly are NOT as stupid as you might think....

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: We wrote a lot about the last round of government stimulus checks, for a national LaughLine audience. Here's some of that, from the summer of 2001:

2 Jul 01: A new government projection suggests the surplus this fiscal year will be 56 billion dollars LESS than expected. So when your tax rebate comes in the mail, put it in a new envelope and send it right back. You'll keep the surplus up -- and maybe keep postage rates down.

10 Jul 01: We should have seen this coming: the first "tax rebate check" stunt. The Treasury Department warns people in four states are offering to figure the amount of your refund for a fee. You'd think this formula would be so simple, even President Bush could understand it....

Some news reports call the tax rebate figuring offer a "scam." Yet Treasury Department officials admit the offers might actually be within the law. If the people making this offer suggest you invest the rebate in an Internet stock, THAT would be a scam....

18 Jul 01: The Internal Revenue Service admitted a computer goofed - and 500,000 people are getting incorrect tax rebate notices. The mailings say people are getting the maximum rebate, when they really aren't! The old phrase is still true -- never spend the money until you're sure the check cleared the bank.

19 Jul 01: LaughLine World Headquarters received its federal tax rebate notice Wednesday. We're pleased to see it reflects the President's commitment to protecting the environment - or did you notice that box in red ink that says, "Do not throw away" ?!?!

The chart on the tax rebate notice puzzles us a bit. If you're "single," you can get as much as 300 dollars. But if you're a "head of household," you could receive 500 dollars. If we're single and living by ourselves, why don't we get a bump-up? We ARE the head of our household....

The tax rebate notice says, "You will not be required to report the amount as taxable income on your federal tax return." Then three lines later it adds: "Please keep a copy of this notice with your tax records." Why do we have to keep it if we DON'T have to report the money? Is this a reminder that Democrats might take over all of Congress next year?

23 Jul 01: Wal-Mart stores are ready for a "rebate rush." Many of them plan to have extra money on hand -- and might even cash your federal check for you. Just follow the newly adjusted signs, to UNCLE Sam's Club....

An ABC News "Moneyscope" poll shows 34 percent of U.S. residents will use their federal rebate check to pay bills. These are the people whose "revolving charge accounts" spin faster than tires on the interstate.

Some religious groups suggest when your federal tax rebate check comes, you TITHE on it - giving a tenth to faith-based charities. That sounds nice. But if people tithed in the first place, the charities might not need federal funds - and the donors might get a refund ALL the time.

The exact date when your tax rebate check arrives depends on the last two digits of your Social Security number. People whose numbers end in "00" through "09" should get checks this week - making this one of the few times when it pays to be a "zero."

CBS News reported it cost 116 million dollars simply to process all those rebate checks. That figures to more than one dollar a check. Yes, we'd like the extra money - but you DON'T have to send it airmail....

We saw one estimate that 38 billion dollars in rebate checks will bring a half-percent increase in U.S. economic growth. Of course, with some football linemen, a 300-dollar check could mean even bigger growth - in their waistlines.

27 Jul 01: The second wave of tax rebate checks should go into the mail today. This batch is for people whose Social Security numbers end with "10" through "19." If you have your check by now, do you REALLY want to tell anybody about it? It would be a big clue toward identity theft....

A Treasury Department spokesperson explained the phrase "tax relief for America's workers" is printed on rebate checks so you'll know why the check was mailed to you. But there still might be confusion. Take the people who don't work anymore, because they're retired....

1 Aug 01: A Treasury Department statement admitted the government has "cash flow problems." So it's borrowing billions of dollars to cover the federal tax rebate checks. Uh-oh - instead of planning to spend hundreds of dollars coming in the mail, maybe we should spend only five dollars for a "return to sender" stamp.

3 Aug 01: House Speaker Dennis Hastert praised the approval of a tax cut. He said the rebate checks are "more than checks in the mail - they're cash in people's pockets." Mr. Hastert apparently hasn't heard about the big numbers of people using those checks to pay bills....

16 Aug 01: President Bush's road trips have several purposes - some of them political. He attended a fund-raising dinner Wednesday night for Senator Pete Domenici. The President wished Congress had approved a bigger tax rebate - so more people actually could afford to buy a dinner ticket.

21 Aug 01: Yippee!!!! LaughLine World Headquarters received its federal tax rebate check Monday. No, we will NOT offer any hints about the other eight digits of our Social Security number....

(One of our neighbors asked a few weeks ago if we'd received our tax rebate check yet. We were unsure how to respond - because we feared he might start hovering around our mailbox.)

We can see why some Democrats have complained about the tax rebate checks having a political tone. Ours was mailed from the Treasury Department's regional office in Austin, Texas! How DID the President arrange that?!?!

(Since we live in Georgia, the check has the words "Atlanta tax relief" near the top. But we live 100 miles from Atlanta -- so next time, our town's convention bureau needs to do a better lobbying job in Washington.)

The rebate check includes five words that Democratic Party Chair Terry McAuliffe considers controversial: "Tax relief for America's workers." He says the phrase sounds like a political theme. We say when retired people receive it, they'll feel guilty and apply to work at Burger King.

The goal of the tax rebate check, of course, is for us to stimulate the economy. But the check says it's "void after one year." Shouldn't we hold onto it, so we'll feel more important if things get worse?

29 Aug 01: LaughLine posted its federal tax rebate check ONLINE Tuesday - at "Yahoo! Auctions." You can bid on this 300-dollar check through Friday, September 7. This should show once and for all how valuable those checks REALLY are....

We weren't sure exactly where on Yahoo Auctions to post the tax rebate check. It's not really "paper money" or coins. And we suppose the check could be listed as a "collectible" -- but we're afraid bidders might confuse it with a bobble-head doll.

So why put our tax rebate check on an Internet auction site? Well, President Bush DID urge us to use the check to promote spending and economic growth. And you're guaranteed a return on this check -- unlike some Internet companies we know.

31 Aug 01: The stock market dropped as the government reported personal spending increased only 0.2 percent in July. This is strange, since the first batch of tax rebate checks was mailed in July. C'mon, folks - this isn't like a dinner table, where you have to wait until everyone is served.

(Then again, maybe people ARE taking advantage of their tax rebate checks - because their spending increased too much earlier in the year.)

Someone told us the other day he's not all that happy with his federal tax rebate check - because next spring's tax refund check will be smaller. He complained the government isn't telling you the full story! We should have told him to invest that check in the right stock - and he might never notice a difference.

10 Sep 01: The ten-day auction for LaughLine's federal tax rebate check is over. And we're amazed to report - nobody won! No one even BID on our check! It looks like the Democrats were right. Those checks ARE a worthless idea for our economy.

We figured someone might bid on the federal tax rebate check to have it as a "collector's item." But no one even bid for it - which leaves us thinking even millionaire Republicans are hurting for money.

The final score from Yahoo! Auctions: 107 "page views" of people looking at our offer of the 300-dollar tax rebate check -- but no bidders. So where did we go wrong? Maybe we should have thrown in a beanie baby, because they're more valuable....

We wonder if one problem with the rebate check auction was the minimum bid price. We wanted at least 325 dollars for our 300-dollar check. After all, if we couldn't make a profit on it, we might as well invest that check in the stock market.

(We thought about posting the auction with NO minimum bid price, so low-income people NOT eligible for a check could have one. But our Social Security number is on that check - and before long, the government might ask what we're doing on welfare.)

We wind up losing money on the rebate check auction, even though no one made a bid. We owe Yahoo a small fee for posting the auction. We could have paid more to highlight it in gold, or have it posted on the auction home page - but then we might have wound up sending the check to Yahoo.

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BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: Suspended for vacation

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