23 MAY 08: THE LAST TIME AROUND

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: We're attending the wedding of our youngest niece this weekend. When another niece became married, we wrote about it for a national audience in the 10 Jun 02 edition of LaughLine:

One of our nieces became married in Kansas City, followed by a reception with SO MANY beverages that we may open a drink stand for the rest of the summer.

The wedding of our second-oldest niece had all sorts of synergy. The bride's name is Jennifer. One of the maids of honor was named Jennifer. The keyboard player's name was Jennifer. If we'd known about all this, we would have called "Jennifer convertibles" for a wedding gift.

(Only one thing kept these women from having a perfect weekend. Jennifer Capriati didn't win the French Open tennis title.)

We sang at this wedding, so our weekend began with a Friday evening rehearsal at a church. One of the groomsmen apparently had a long week, as we quickly found him lying down on a front pew. Too bad for him -- this church never has held healing services.

Lots of details go into a perfect wedding, you know. The coordinator told us at the rehearsal the Pastor "is very picky about the rings." She meant how the minister takes them from the bridal party -- NOT that the bride and groom keep them on until the reception is over.

We were also informed at the rehearsal that one of the two outside doors leading to the church sanctuary would be locked 30 minutes before the ceremony. Apparently this wedding coordinator saw the movie "Runaway Bride...."

The wedding coordinator has been close friends with our sister-in-law for more than 25 years. At the rehearsal dinner, we learned they were pregnant at the same time long ago. Call this a divine secret of the MA-MA sisterhood.

The bridal party sat at a long table for the rehearsal dinner. But to take a picture of everyone, at one point we had to put our heads down in front of them. Our face was literally one inch above the plastic plate -- and we learned you CAN see yourself in those plates, without that dishwashing liquid.

Saturday was the wedding day -- and it started with picture-taking two-and-a-half hours before the ceremony started. That man used up so much film that he HAS to own stock in Eastman Kodak....

The wedding ceremony went very well -- but the Pastor pointed out one small difficulty the newlyweds must overcome. The bride's family is filled with University of Kansas students and graduates. The groom's family is filled with Kansas STATE graduates. We assume the wedding was held in June because it was off-season.

Remember when congregations threw rice at the departing newlyweds? This ceremony didn't even use birdseed as a substitute. Instead, everyone blew bubbles at the bride and groom as they left the church! Too bad no one brought any old Lawrence Welk records to play....

The bride and groom then went on to the wedding reception a couple of miles away. They traveled there in a restored 1922 Model-A Ford convertible! This car has mechanical brakes -- so thankfully, the driver did NOT have to face any of those aggressive interstate drivers.

The wedding reception included a buffet dinner and dancing. If you're planning a wedding soon, please take a tip from us -- have boxes of tissues on the tables if the D-J is going to play "Butterfly Kisses."

It wouldn't be a wedding dance anymore without people doing the "Electric Slide." But that number prompted today's deep question: What do natural gas employees think of the electric slide? Do they boycott the song when it's played at a dance? Is someone working on a "gas slide" as an alternative?

The wedding weekend ended Sunday with a brunch at the home of the bride's father. It took two solid hours for the newlyweds to unwrap all their presents and open all the cards! And what's more amazing is -- they received only TWO George Foreman grills.

We never heard until Sunday about a superstition involving wedding gifts. For each ribbon a bride breaks opening gifts, it supposedly means one child she'll have. We finally may have an explanation for the McCaughey septuplets....

After all this celebration, the bride and groom fly to Miami today to begin a honeymoon cruise in the Caribbean. They leave behind so much uneaten food from the dinner and so much unopened wine from the reception that they could have fed everyone on the cruise ship for three days.

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BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: Suspended for vacation

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