13 MAY 08: A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE?

People are coming to us with questions, as if we know all the answers. Here's the latest one to hit our InBox:

Is it legal or not to have alchohol in public parks and if not how did the Columbus Board of Realtors manage to do so for Realtor Fun Day this past Thursday at the park on Psalmond Road?

"No. Not at all," was the quick answer a woman gave me when we called the Parks Department office Monday. Wow, I can go to bed early for a change....

Well, wait - I should explain what led up to that phone call. This e-mail actually reached us over the weekend, so I went to the city Parks Department web site to find the answer. Trouble was, I couldn't find the answer. I could find pictures of a two-month-old tennis match at the Civic Center, but I couldn't find that.

Plan A: Search for "alcohol" at the Parks Department web site. But the nine matches have nothing to do with drinking in city parks. In fact, the top match involves alcohol excise taxes -- which looks like a pretty sneaky move to get conservatives to vote for that one-percent sales tax.

Plan B: Check for rules on using park shelters. Certainly the Columbus Board of Realtors would have rented a shelter for its "Fun Day" -- but then again, Realtors would prefer people buy shelter instead of renting it.

But there's no easy way to find the park shelter rules, from the city parks web site. The "downloads" section only offers guidance for using the softball fields at South Commons. Alcohol is shown as prohibited there - so there's no competition with Thirsty Thursdays at Golden Park.

(The South Commons section of the web site informs me that the Columbus Catfish is a farm team of the Dodgers, while the Wardogs and Riverdragons play at the Civic Center. None of that has been true for a couple of years - but it makes a 1970 picture of the old Municipal Auditorium seem almost fitting.)

You can't even print out a form to rent a city park shelter. But the downloads section lets you review a four-year-old list of summer "cultural arts" classes. Who would have guessed pottery classes are more popular than picnics?

Plan C: Begin scrambling through the various options on the parks department home page. I avoid the "therapeutics" option - although I've admittedly met plenty of people who consider alcohol therapeutic....

I learn the Riverwalk has a no-alcohol rule. It also says, "no swimming allowed" - and "children ages 11 and under must be accompanied by an adult." I think back a couple of weeks, and conclude the city should be safe from one family's liability lawsuit.

So that explains why I had to pick up a phone Monday, and call the Columbus Parks Department office for an answer to the alcohol question. The parks web site is incomplete in spots, very dated in others - and the policy banning skates and skateboards from South Commons parks will need a big change in a few weeks.

Now to the second part of the question: a Columbus Board of Realtors spokesperson did NOT return a message we left Monday afternoon. And if the board has a working web site, I couldn't find it Monday night. So what do you know - city government actually provided superior customer service.

Whether alcohol was served or not, I can't blame local Realtors for having a "Fun Day." The news about mortgages and home sales hasn't been much fun lately. In fact, I'm not sure they were in a mood to play any game which involved figuring points.

Now let's try to sort fact from fiction, concerning the Monday news:

+ Mayor Jim Wetherington said no one has complained to him about his decisions in the Zachary Allen investigation. Of course not - critics usually don't receive invitations to Government Center news conferences.

+ Men's Health magazine ranked Columbus the fourth-best city in the U.S. for bringing up a family. That's the good news. Of course, then comes the bad news - keeping the teenagers from moving to Atlanta when they leave home.

+ A few fountains came back on in Columbus, with state drought restrictions reduced. But WLTZ reported Uptown Columbus doesn't plan to turn on its fountains for a few days. For one thing, any homeless people sleeping in them have to be moved to better locations.

+ Former Georgia Congressman Bob Barr announced he's running for President as a Libertarian. He's moved beyond his favorite "L-words" in the U.S. House - using "liar" and "lust" to describe President Clinton.

(This actually makes two former lawmakers from Georgia to run for President. It appears Cynthia McKinney will be the Green Party's nominee, as she won Wisconsin's primary by a large margin. Put Barr and McKinney on the same debate stage, and the Republican and Democrat might have trouble making any speeches.)

+ Olympic trials opened at Fort Benning, for the U.S. pistol-shooting team. Some contenders have to hit a bulls-eye that's smaller than the period ending this sentence. Some women probably wish they had to deal with periods so small (ahem)....

+ Instant Message to WLTZ: How did you do that? Monday night's "11 at 11" began with the news anchors seemingly talking at double-speed, then a reporter from Macon talking extra-slow. If you're going for a speed record of "8 at 11," let's go all the way here.

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