12 MAY 08: BOOM TOWN
So there I was Friday, doing some necessary shopping at a big department store - and I find a big surprise near the checkout lines. Boxes of fireworks are on sale. What better way for a guy to mark Mother's Day, than to go out in the backyard and blow things up in her honor?
It was Target where I made this checkout-line find. While some stands in Lee and Russell Counties sell loose fireworks off the shelves, Target is selling boxed sets -- looking a bit like boxes of cheeses or fruit in December. Except with these boxes, the damage would be done to parts of your body besides the waistline.
Fireworks sales were illegal in Georgia for decades -- but that changed in 2005, when the legislature legalized sales of sparklers. Target actually began selling them in that first year. I suppose it was an upscale alternative to Wal-Mart stores selling shotguns.
I admittedly don't know much about fireworks, but the boxed sets being sold at Target don't have what I consider sparklers. Isn't a sparkler something that glows and burns while you hold it in your hand? I mean, without any tobacco filling inside?
Instead, the boxes of fireworks have several long cylinders. The boxes never identify exactly what they are -- but a close check at the Georgia law shows they still might be legal. Small-scale "fountain" fireworks are allowed. And it appeared for a while they might be the only fountains operating in Columbus this summer.
We checked the Target web site for "fireworks" Sunday night, to see if these boxed sets were on sale online as well. They weren't. Instead, we found everything from balloons and party invitations to a "Vintage 4th of July Fireworks Skirt." It's a good argument for why bottle rocket sales aren't legal in Georgia....
So let's assume the boxes of fireworks at Target are legal. Isn't Mother's Day weekend a bit early to be selling them? For one thing, I don't think firing them at cemeteries on Memorial Day will awaken any bodies.
(Yes, I know those Russell County fireworks stores have billboards up. But some of those billboards are up all year long - probably making Wanda the "Bang Bang Lady" a more familiar face than any county commissioner.)
This is another case of a department store rushing the seasons - putting anything "seasonal" on display, even if the next big holiday is weeks away. It explains Xmas trees being sold in October and Valentine's Day items on sale December 26. One of these days, they'll have "back-to-school" specials on sale at the Columbus Civic Center on graduation weekend.
But in this case, selling fireworks in the middle of May only risks weeks of disruptions in some neighborhoods. High school graduates will be celebrating with noisy late-night parties. And we'll know who to blame for this - well, other than the rock-and-roll and hip-hop radio stations....
E-MAIL UPDATE: Now from fireworks to the fire department. Our Sunday review of the Zachary Allen investigation brought this response....
Hi, Richard --
I don't mean to prolong the stories about the Zack Allen case, but I do want to clear up some misunderstanding about the use of the term "non-negative" when it comes to the drug testing that was done. When the test is done, the immediate results are considered to be "negative", in which case the matter is ended, or "non-negative" which means the sample must undergo further testing because there is something in the sample that leads the technician to believe there may be drugs present. Once those further tests are done (and that may take several days), if there are drugs in the sample, it is labeled "positive."
So when Allen was tested, there was something in the sample that showed the possibility of drugs. That's why it was called "non- negative". A negative results could not be ascertained, so further tests were done that showed "positive" for drugs.
Hope this helps!
Maybe Mayor Jim Wetherington can apply this terminology to the upcoming one-percent sales tax vote. Don't vote yes - decide to be non-negative about it, because there just might be something there you'll like.
We'll see if this day finds a new and improved Jeff Meyer in the Fire Chief's office. If I worked at a fire station, I would have spent the weekend making the ladders on the trucks as bright and shiny as possible.
There's apparently speculation inside the Columbus Fire Department that Friday's fallout will lead to Mary Simonton becoming a Deputy Fire Chief. The opening could come from another deputy being demoted. And of course, anyone who volunteers for this should be subject to a polygraph test....
. We didn't start this fire, so we'll stop it now by turning to other Sunday items:
+ A line of dangerous storms dropped more than four inches of rain at the Columbus airport. Big tree limbs fell on streets around Lakebottom Park - but morning exercisers didn't mind, and welcomed the chance to practice their hurdling.
+ WRBL showed an infomercial at 6:00 p.m. for the second Sunday in a row - leading me to believe it's no longer doing early-evening news on weekends. Either that, or the health experts in Iceland are even more "on my side" than the news team....
(Then when the "Nightwatch" came at 11:00 p.m., Steve Ring had to double as news AND sports anchor. I suppose weeknight news anchor Phil Scoggins has the right to a full weekend off.)
+ Columbus State University's baseball team received a #2 seed in the NCAA regionals. Instead of playing the regional tournament at home, the Cougars will have to play at Mount Olive College in North Carolina. The lesson here is obvious: prevail over the "Peaches," and you don't have to face the olives.
+ Instant Message to whomever torched three cars in the Historic District in the last week: Talk about mixed emotions. I mean, part of me wouldn't mind exchanging my 14-year-old car for something newer. It would be paid in large part with insurance money -- and it might impress the relatives on my next road trip.
BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $3.61 a gallon at Dolly Madison on Victory Drive.... greeting cards for 20 cents at the Fred's "going out of business" sale on Airport Thruway.... and a run on one-cent stamps today at local post offices, due to higher postage....
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