5 SEP 05: REST FROM MY LABOR

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: I'm resting on this Labor Day, and letting other people be funny. Here are items other people have sent my way in recent months. Have a safe and happy holiday!)

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.

AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.



IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.

AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.



IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.



IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.



IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.

AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.



IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK...........they are called managers. [SmileandLaugh.com]

+++++

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."

So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold anymore so it started filling up the rest of me! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. [Sandy Collins, Smiths Station]

+++++

A Baptist preacher was at a revival, and coming to a dramatic conclusion. "If I could, I'd take all the beer in town and throw it in the river! I'd gather up all the wine in town and throw it in the river!! Then I'd take all the whiskey in town, and throw THAT in the river!!!"

After the message was over, the worship leader stood up to lead a closing song. "Let's turn to page 365 - Shall We Gather at the River?" [Mike Richardson]

+++++

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey. [SmileandLaugh.com]

+++++

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees, who do banks have branches?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?"

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

How come we choose from just two people for President and 51 for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Or watch a white thing come out a chicken's rear and think, "that ought to taste good."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no human being would eat?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all the ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your b**t? [Sandy Collins]

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