18 SEP 05: THE OUT BOX

It was one of the biggest dinners of the year in the church congregation I attend. It was so big that a Regional Pastor came down from Atlanta to speak, and I sang just before his sermon. Yet something was left behind this weekend - and I don't mean that series of Christian books.

This was what we call in the church a "potluck dinner." Admittedly that's strange in the first place, because the denomination opposes gambling....

Actually, this wasn't quite an absolute potluck dinner. For one thing, we were asked to sign up for what sort of dish we'd bring. For another thing, no one brought playing cards for after-dinner poker.

I put my name on the sign-up sheet under "desserts." To borrow from Senator Joseph Biden at the Supreme Court confirmation hearing, it's part of the "great kabuki dance" in our congregation. Single guys aren't expected to bring anything fancy - and if we do, we might look suspicious to certain members.

To answer an occasional question I receive - yes, I do know how to cook. For this dessert, it was as simple as following the instructions on the brownie box....

I prepared a brownie mix Friday evening for the weekend dinner - and knowing my cooking skills would be somewhat on trial, I took special care with it. Unlike a couple of weeks before, I watched my timer carefully so they wouldn't burn on the bottom.

The pan came out fine, and I worked around the crusty edges to cut 14 brownies for the church dinner. No, not the 13 of a "baker's dozen." It's two times seven, since our congregation teaches seven is the Biblical number of perfection. Exactly when college football stole the idea for touchdowns, I'm not sure....

The 14 brownies were placed carefully inside a resealable plastic box, sealed and kept overnight for the church dinner. As for the rest of the pan - well, let's just say this: sometimes being a single guy has its sweet advantages.

I took the boxed brownies into the church hall Saturday afternoon, and left them on a table in the back reserved for food. Then it was on to business as usual: setting up the audio, finding someone to start the music for my song - and in the middle of it all, we actually had a church service.

Our guest speaker used to be a pastor in New Orleans, and he openly stated his opinion that the city should NOT be rebuilt after Hurricane Katrina. "It's a catastrophe waiting to happen again," he said. So? They're bringing indoor football back to Columbus....

When the service was over, the potluck dinner followed - but I quickly realized there was a problem. Several other people had brought either brownies or similar "cookie bars," and theirs were set out before the service on the "snack table." Slow response didn't work for FEMA, and it wouldn't for me....

My church duties include duplicating tapes of the sermon for a mailing list, and there were ten tapes to do Saturday. As a result, I didn't get in the dinner line until some people were heading back for seconds. One man seemed absolutely baffled when I said it was about putting others ahead of myself.

There was enough food left in the buffet line for a healthful dinner - and I know there was more than enough dessert. How do I know? Because my box of brownies wasn't on the main dessert table, while others had theirs out. It's like playing on the football "taxi squad" all season, and never getting in a game....

Perhaps they were holding my brownies in reserve, I thought as I sat down for dinner. This admittedly was an optimistic view - sort of like that Bible line about "saving the good wine" until later. In fact, that's an idea for next time - tell people I added some wine to the brownies, for flavor.

It was 6:30 p.m. or so when the dinner wound down - and I went to the "dessert table" in the back. Sure enough, my box of brownies sat there untouched. My dating life can have all sorts of parallels....

My name wasn't on the box of brownies, but it was left out of the potluck dinner -- and this wasn't the first time this had happened. So is something giving away my food offering, and leading dinner organizers to leave it in hiding? Should I seal each brownie in plastic wrap, to ensure my hands haven't ruined it?

What happens when I bring brownies to church might be enough to hurt some people's feelings. I'm dealing with it as hopefully as I can. But when my pastor tells me singing is "my gift," maybe he's sending a secondary message: cooking isn't.

(That reminds me: the pastor's wife said my song during the service left "goose bumps on the back of my neck." Sometimes they turn the air conditioning in this hall up a bit too high....)

BLOG UPDATE: Uh-oh - the Columbus man who claimed his copyrighted phrase was stolen [13 Sep] may be wrong. The Robert Trent Jones Golf Trail commercial I saw Saturday night said, "For quality and quantity...." NOT "quality leads to quantity." Maybe the local man needs a quality hearing aid - and quantities of batteries.

In other old business: I drove by Burt's Butcher Shop near Peachtree Mall Saturday - and a sign was still posted, demanding the Columbus High School Class of 1995 pay its bill [14 Sep]. I don't understand this. Didn't that class have any well-paid baseball players on it?

And remember the new TV tower that crashed to the ground near Cusseta earlier this year? I'm told the replacement tower for WLGA TV-66 is up and its lights are flashing - but it doesn't look quite as tall as the ones around it. All the better to reflect the TV ratings, I guess....

Now for other items from the last weekend of summer:

+ A nine-hour fund-raising concert for hurricane survivors was staged on the grounds of Knology in Columbus. It was called "Storm Aid" - but if "Farm Aid" helps save farms, do we really want to save hurricanes?

+ The annual Shrine Circus opened at the Columbus Civic Center - which reminded me of a classic joke from a calendar of my youth: "Didya hear about the Shriner who went to the plastic surgeon? He wanted a fez lift."

+ Auburn's football team deflated Ball State 63-3. You knew this game was out of hand when the Tiger basketball team showed up, and asked if it could play the visitors next.

(Meanwhile, my rather surprising Kansas Jayhawks beat Louisiana Tech. They're now 3-0! That's a better record than Auburn, Michigan, Notre Dame, Oklahoma and -- well, OK, Kansas hasn't PLAYED any college of that caliber yet, but....)

+ Instant Message to Atlanta's Fox Theater: Do you HAVE to show commercials already, promoting the "Radio City Christmas Show" in mid-November? I fear WGSY "Sunny 100 FM" will start playing holiday music any day now.

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $2.62 a gallon at Marathon on Warm Springs Road.... two-liter store-brand sodas for 52 cents at Kroger in Auburn-Opelika.... and to avoid my brownies, spend 25 cents for a Little Debbie at convenience stores....

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