4 SEP 05: WHO WANTS A BEATING NEXT?

You can probably guess what the number-one topic was this weekend at the church I attend. Well, I mean other than sin. Well, then again, many in my congregation might consider New Orleans a synonym for sin....

The man who gave the first sermonette message wound up talking tougher than my pastor. He said watching fires in New Orleans on TV reminded him of "Sodom and Gomorrah." Uh-oh - are we sure all the holy people in town evacuated?

The sermonette speaker encouraged us to pray for survivors of Hurricane Katrina - but he noted New Orleans has a reputation for witchcraft. If this city ever reopens for business, I predict voodoo dolls of President Bush will sell fast.

Would you dare to be a minister in New Orleans right now, the speaker asked - telling people they need to repent? Well, maybe - if you armor-plated my Bible and gave me a flak jacket first.

My pastor returned from vacation this weekend - a weekend he decided to spend with a daughter and son-in-law in Gulf Shores, Alabama. Based on what he told us about the approaching hurricane, he has three-and-a-half days of vacation time left over.

The pastor admitted there probably was bad disaster planning by the Department of Homeland Security. This was quite an admission, considering my pastor tends to have a noticeable Republican bias. It was he who encouraged us to "pray that George W. Bush wins the election" - in October 2000, during a service.

The pastor received confirmation from worshipers that President Bush had issued "shoot to kill" orders to restore calm to New Orleans - and he endorsed that approach. If Jesus had carried a handgun 2,000 years ago, everything could have been different....

"If they won't obey God's law, they have to face man's law," the pastor explained. He strongly opposes criminals being coddled" - yet he went on to give a sermon mentioning Moses was a murderer.

But my pastor seemed ready to move on from Hurricane Katrina. He said dozens of small earthquakes have occurred in recent weeks in a line from North Carolina to middle Georgia -- with one shaking a Forsyth church member in her waterbed. Any old bad dream can do that for me....

Did you realize, the pastor declared, the Chattahoochee River sits on an earthquake fault line? Hey, anything that will make kayaking downtown more interesting....

But the pastor went on to note the Chattahoochee River is considered the most stable river in the country. If that's true, when does Fort Benning plan to take the Phenix City riverbank off its "banned" list?

The pastor added what happened in New Orleans parallels a recent movie on the F/X cable channel called "Oil Storm." He said the only difference was that a Category 6 hurricane hit in the movie. I wasn't able to tell him afterward that's what made the movie fiction - because the Safford-Simpson scale only goes up to five.

Before the service, members of my congregation talked about the future of New Orleans. One man suggested if the city is rebuilt, homes should be on stilts so they reach sea level - or as some thugs in that city might call it: firewood.

This man sells insurance for a living, and he predicts homeowners' policies will increase slightly because of the damage from Hurricane Katrina. These insurance companies don't get it, do they?! They need to hike rates 50 percent right now, then wait for Georgia's Governor to intervene.

BLOG UPDATE: Speaking of which: gas prices went down across Columbus Saturday after Governor Sonny Perdue suspended state fuel taxes for all of September. But at least he was wise enough NOT to declare it a "driving holiday."

The two suspended fuel taxes amount to 11.5 cents per gallon -- yet some Columbus stations cut their prices 15 cents. Come to think of it, the summer discounts on fountain drinks are ending....

Yet some Columbus gas stations didn't drop their prices at all Saturday, and remained above three dollars a gallon. Either they didn't hear the announcement from Governor Perdue, or they're looking for hacksaws to damage that gasoline pipeline again.

Meanwhile, several Harris County sheriff's deputies arrived in Louisiana Saturday. They'll help restore order in the hurricane damage zone - and in a worst-case scenario, they can provide a safe escort for the ultimate New Orleans "jazz funeral."

The news has been filled with local people and groups trying to help hurricane survivors. Boy Scouts are helping, Seventh-Day Adventists are helping, grocery stores are.... well, is there anyone out there NOT helping? Please write me if you aren't - because maybe Kanje West can talk with you.

One of the most unusual relief efforts is at O' Kassions bridal shop on River Road. It's looking for donations of clean prom dresses and evening gowns, to give to hurricane survivors [True/WTVM]. I realize people need any clean clothing they can find - but an evening gown?! Won't looters assume you have money, and hold you up?

Then there's the man who announced he's filling a box truck with donated supplies in Thomaston, to drive to New Orleans. After hearing about this, I started wondering if this man is legitimate. If someone's selling cases of bottled water at a yard sale in Upson County, call detectives....

E-MAIL UPDATE: Now for something completely different! Last Wednesday's message declaring me an "A.V.: Alleged Virgin" brought this response:

Who is that masked emailer? Oh, I've got a guess - IDIOT maybe!!!

Craig

Now now, Craig - that should be ALLEGED idiot. As in A.I., as in artificial intelligence....

I know who wrote the "alleged virgin" e-mail. But that person did not formally sign it, so I'm leaving it anonymous. After all, that person might be a schoolteacher -- and did you notice how many times "alleged" was misspelled?

Now for real items of interest from the last couple of days....

+ A special meeting of judges and court reporters addressed the storage of evidence at the Government Center. One of the evidence rooms appeared so messy, some college students might have been living in it.

+ Georgia Tech snapped Auburn's 15-game football winning streak 23-14. Watch your Eufaula Tribune and Valley Times-News this week for a special edition, declaring Tech the new national champion.

+ Georgia impressed the skeptics in its opening game, by blasting Boise State 48-13. It truly was a case of men against Boise....

+ Lest we forget: Alabama's season began with a 26-7 win over Middle Tennessee State. After what's happened to gas prices, we appreciate anyone who can eliminate the Middle-men.

+ The Atlanta Falcons "Big Ticket" tour came to McClung Memorial Stadium, encouraging young people to play football and try cheerleading. Come to think of it, maybe Peerless Price can stay with the Falcons - and simply change careers.

+ Atlanta's baseball team beat Cincinnati 9-3, thanks in part to a Jeff Francoeur home run. Four fans went to the game dressed as hot dogs, and calling themselves "Francoeur's Franks!" [True/TBS] Are fans doing this same sort of thing in Cleveland, for Coco Crisp?

(I've heard of players "hot dogging" it on the field, but never fans doing it in the stands....)

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $2.92 a gallon at Marathon on University Avenue.... hot dogs for one dollar Monday at the northside Meineke Muffler, raising money for hurricane relief.... and send a stuffed frog to Oklahoma football fans, just to annoy them about the loss to Texas Christian....

COMING MONDAY: I'm taking a Labor Day blogging break, and letting other people write the jokes. If you have one to share, write me quickly....

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