21 SEP 05: THE PATIENT'S TEST

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Difficulties with our blogging partner prevented us from posting sooner. Our apologies for the delay.)

Given my health crisis of Monday, an event in Columbus Tuesday was timed perfectly for.... well, hold on a second. Maybe I shouldn't call it a "crisis." Rush Limbaugh claims to be the national arbiter of whether something is a crisis or not, and I haven't called him yet.

But anyway: Tuesday was "Take a Loved One to the Doctor Day" -- with Valley Healthcare Systems on Benning Drive offering free health screenings. Perhaps I also could obtain free advice on what was ailing me. Only problem: I had no "loved one" to take me -- so I prepared a split personality argument.

1:10 p.m.: I pull into the closest thing I can find to the Valley Healthcare parking lot. It's actually a parking lot for the Baker Village Apartments, since the medical office is one of its buildings. I lock valuables in the trunk - but so I'm not accused of profiling, I do NOT put on The Club.

1:12 p.m.: I walk inside the building, and it's standing room only. Davis Broadcasting promoted this event extensively, and it apparently worked. In fact, two station vans are parked on the grass outside - all the more reason to keep nearby Baker Middle School on lockdown.

I sign the waiting list for the "health fair," as one window calls it, and find a place in the corner to stand for awhile. The special day offers tests for high blood pressure, prostate cancer, the AIDS virus - but sadly for me, not varicose veins.

Other people in the waiting room are filling out multi-page charts, but I presume these are the people with scheduled appointments. A Valley Healthcare brochure explains the office accepts appointments, walk-ins - and even emergency cases. If I collapse on the floor again, hopefully I'll be the latter.

2:30 p.m.: With the waiting room still full and me still standing, someone who's apparently a Davis Broadcasting announcer walks in. He has a cell phone very close to his mouth - so for all I knew, he could be a Baker Village resident planning an evening (ahem) "deal."

"Right now, I'm here in the lobby...." the announcer says to confirm my first guess. Two guys are standing near him, but he chooses to turn away from me and chat briefly with a large man named John.

"What are you here for?"

"Everything." Well, hopefully not the women's cancer screenings....

As the announcer walks away, I tell John he's probably just been on WFXE Foxie-105 FM. "Normally I listen to Hallelujah 1460," he says with a laugh, "or Gospel 100.7." Amazing - I've actually found a second white man in Columbus who listens to these stations.

2:45 p.m.: The 90-minute mark of standing and waiting passes. I tell an older man who's sitting next to me this day was misnamed - it should have been "Take a Loved One and a Chair to the Doctor Day."

3:10 p.m.: On the waiting room television, alleged psychic Sylvia Browne tells Montel Williams she believes the earth has only about 95 years left. I actually start to wonder if I'll get to see a doctor before then.

3:20 p.m.: A wide-eyed young woman walks into the waiting room with a shopping bag full of what she calls "Beanie Babies." She's giving them to little children -- which seems strange to me. In low-income parts of Atlanta, people might have walked in selling videotapes or Rolex watches.

This woman also is with Davis Broadcasting - and in the minutes that follow, she and another woman phone in live reports from Take a Loved One to the Doctor Day. The young woman actually talks about getting herself checked. But then she leaves - so maybe she planned to do that at a Victory Drive bar.

3:35 p.m.: A Valley Healthcare staff member asks everyone in the waiting room to gather together and face a TV camera. A man apparently has recorded some of the activity, either for a promotional video or a commercial. I'm not sure it should have the business logo - which looks a bit like someone giving you "the finger."

(The promotion person actually wanted a volunteer to enter a waiting room, for the video. I didn't speak up fast enough - but then again, I would have demanded the screening begin at once.)

"Say thank you, Valley Healthcare," the woman instructs everyone in the waiting room. I step aside into a restroom. Why should I thank you for something you haven't given me yet, and I'm still not sure you will?

4:00 p.m.: The crowd starts to diminish a bit, and after more than two-and-a-half hours I finally can sit in a chair. Well, I could have taken a seat sooner - but women with children were present, and I didn't want any of them telling me off for not showing proper manners.

4:05 p.m.: A Valley Healthcare staff member locks the main entrance, as Take a Loved One to the Doctor Day officially lasted until 4:00. Everyone still inside will be helped, so "we can get home sometime tonight." So much for the brochure's promise of extended Tuesday hours until 7:00.

The waiting room television now is showing "General Hospital." This soap opera does NOT put this business to shame - as only one scene during the one-hour program actually seems to occur inside the hospital.

4:30 p.m.: An older man passes me as he heads for the exit, not knowing it's locked. He arrived around 2:30. "You still waiting?"

"Yeah. More than three hours."

"You must have a problem...." Boy, there are so many ways I could answer that line.

4:32 p.m.: "Is anyone else waiting for service?" a woman asks as she enters the waiting room from the check-in and records area. I politely raise my hand, and tell her my name. "I signed in at 1:12."

"Get out of here!" the woman answers. No, if I've stayed here waiting this long....

"Did you fill out a form?" she asks me. No, I never knew I was supposed to do that -- I merely signed the waiting list. So I fill out two pages of information. Unlike some medical offices, it did NOT ask me to write a short medical biography.

Staff members say they called my first name several times during the 3:00 hour -- but apparently I never heard it. They didn't want to foul up my last name, they explain. But other people got up when "Richards" and "Richardson" were called - so a little mangling could have saved me a lot of time.

4:45 p.m.:> At last I enter an exam room for the health screenings to begin. I'm put on the weight scale -- and despite my illness, I officially weigh 201 pounds. The shoes I'm wearing only count for two, I'm told. On my scale at home, they seem to take off five to ten.

I explain to the staff member what I'd been through early Monday, and point to the gash on my forehead. "Put some Neosporin on that," she advises me. I was all set to "ask my doctor" about all those prescription drugs they advertise on TV, but this one I never expected.

"Your blood pressure is good," the staff member assures me after a check. This news may surprise some people - especially the man who calls me with long-winded opinions, which I try to sum up for him in one sentence to save time.

With good blood pressure and blood sugar, I'm pointed toward several exam rooms in the back and told to "stand in line with the guys." Now this feels a bit more comfortable -- a bit like waiting for football tickets.

After a few minutes, the last few people in line are told to head back up front - including me. Did I mention this health clinic is a short drive from Fort Benning?

5:10 p.m.: Back into the original exam room I go. This time a different woman has me fill out an HIV test consent form. I probably could have skipped this test, for one very obvious reason -- but oh yeah, people are tired of my talking about being a 47-year-old virgin.

I share the story of early Monday with this woman as well. "You didn't go to the emergency room?!" she wonders aloud. No, I didn't - perhaps for the same reason I was at Valley Healthcare for these screenings in the first place. It's called thriftiness....

The woman sticks a needle in my arm, and promises to call me with the results. I didn't realize they can figure out prostate cancer as well as HIV with a single needle.

With that, I finally finished - four hours after I began. I can't help wondering if this isn't why some people avoid visiting doctors in the first place. It's not always the cost, or the fear of what doctors might find - it's the time and hassle of going. And apparently the waiting room magazines were boring, because hardly anyone read them.

While I waited patient-ly, other things happened Tuesday:

+ Columbus Council postponed changes on Cherokee Avenue indefinitely. So the street will remain four lanes, with no guardrails - and good-looking girls from Columbus High School are asked NOT to walk on the side near the canal.

(Councilor Gary Allen says the $30,000 proposed to make Cherokee Avenue a three-lane road should be saved, with officers writing more speeding tickets instead. Of course, pulling over drivers in effect would make this a three-lane road anyway....)

+ The Columbus Riverkeeper had a testy meeting with developers of the Sonoma Pointe subdivision near Blackmon Road. He claims the project doesn't have proper walls installed to keep mud from running into creeks. Hey, you know what -- maybe these people WOULD like guardrails.

+ Extra police officers watched Valley High School, amid rumors some sort of violence would erupt during the lunch hour. The trouble never happened - so maybe two male students were talking about watching a show on Spike TV.

+ Organizers of college football's Sugar Bowl confirmed they're considering moving next January's game from New Orleans to Atlanta. Are they kidding? Dixie Crystal Sugar doesn't even sponsor the University of Georgia scoreboard anymore -- and Coca-Cola would want to promote sugar-free drinks, instead.

+ Instant Message to Tim Harris: OK, you're the owner of Captain Tom's Buffet on Macon Road. So why don't you change the name to Captain Tim's? It's only one letter....

SONG OF THE DAY: A long wait at a doctor's office gives the brain plenty of time to stir. The podcasting "Pod Squad" has the results!

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