29 JUN 05: WOE, FAT

As of Tuesday night, these were the approximate vital statistics: five-foot-nine, 194 pounds, size 38 waist. Those are MY approximate vital statistics - and the waist size is approximate, because I had to use a steel tape measure.

(I should take this moment to thank all the Columbus convenience stores with special markings around the front door. They allow me to monitor my height on a regular basis -- though I think they're there for some other reason.)

I bring all these numbers to you in the wake of our most recent Big Blog Question, about whether I am a "fat, lazy, bitter blogger." Before I get to the results, I feel a need to focus on fat - since many critics think I stare at it constantly while I'm preparing these entries.

You'll recall A.R. sent an e-mail [21 Jun] declaring me a "fat, lazy American." To my knowledge, I'd never met A.R. before - so was HE the original "blogger stalker," driving by to check my waistline?

There are times when I think A.R. has a point -- because I feel fat, and think I look that way. So if you're wondering where the "live blog webcam" link is, there's the explanation....

But I don't tend to take my concern about weight as far as some people. I have a cyber-friend in California who takes it so seriously, she sometimes declares herself a pig on bad days! Since she likes the Atkins Diet, sometimes she has a "carbohydrate complex."

I've come home from restaurant-heavy church conventions as high as 205 pounds over the years. But I've been able to stay in the 190's for awhile through a variety of things, including occasional 24-hour fasts. Believe it or not, your body does NOT shrivel up like a raisin when you skip a couple of meals.

Regular exercise also is important, so I try to run several times a week. I consider myself quite spoiled to live very close to the Riverwalk, where I can jog without any traffic concerns -- unless, of course, the prison truck rolls up with inmates to cut the grass.

Summer historically is my toughest season of the year for running. Once the humidity turns up, it can be like learning to jog all over again -- in part because your wristband's weight tends to double from all the sweat on it.

Yet this June, a wonderful thing has happened. The last two Saturday nights, my nonstop runs have lasted 2.8 and 3.05 miles! Could a "fat, lazy blogger" really do that? And there weren't even any water tables set up along the courses to help me out....

Tuesday morning's jog went 1.7 miles nonstop. In recent years, I've tended to run farther after dark -- as it's a bit cooler, I'm not concerned about sunlight, and perhaps I have a deep-down fear someone will jump out from behind a tree and demand all my money.

I've also noted here my occasional trips to Benning Park to knock around a racquetball. After watching Wimbledon tennis this week, I realized I'm forgetting a key ingredient in this workout - grunting or moaning loudly every time I strike the ball.

To see if A.R.'s assessment about me was correct, I asked several people at random on the Riverwalk in the last few days if they thought I was fat:

+ A man riding bicycles, presumably with his son: "You're not that bad." Welllll -- maybe he was afraid I was going to slug him for the wrong answer.

+ Three older women walking in tandem: "No! You're all right!" But none of them decided to jog with me. So much for romance....

+ A young couple walking near Port Columbus: "You're A-O-K!" said the young woman. The man said nothing - perhaps fearful of some competition.

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION closed Tuesday, and it ended with me feeling much better than I did a week ago. Two-thirds of you disagreed with A.R., and voted "absolutely not" on whether I'm a "fat, lazy, bitter blogger." It's so tempting to celebrate this by going to Golden Donuts, and buying a dozen glazed....

Only 22 percent of the voters in the last week decided I was a "fat, lazy, bitter blogger." As for the lazy part - at least I post something here almost every day. Some bloggers take weeks off at a time, and don't even offer an explanation.

Several of you left comments, offering me varying degrees of assistance:

+ From Cory: "It's obvious what your political stance is - a Satirist." Trouble is, there's no Satire Party in this country. And for you Democrats - I don't think the Republican Party counts.

+ From Ed: "I fear you are far worse than your loyal reader AR describes. You may be a journalist." Uh-oh - that IS my background. The use of big words such as "approximate" may have given me away.

+ From Clark Kent: "You're obsessed with WRBL." This point is well taken. Why should I be - especially when the latest ratings show most Columbus TV viewers aren't?

+ Clark Kent adds: "You forgot to add in your poll that you're just mean, too." Huh?! It's not like I took away your phone booths around town....

E-MAIL UPDATE: Enough about me - let's get to the important issues of Columbus. You know, like Tuesday's entry about a cow being the most popular display of public art:

Well there's your answer right there. The US Supremes have taken care of the 'art' problem at the Columbus Library with their ruling on eminent domain. All is needed is for the City of Columbus to 'seize' Kadie the Cow under the Eminenet Domain Ruling. It is obvious, by local e-voting, that Kadie the Cow would have more 'public value' if she were placed in front of the Library instead of in front of Best Buy.

Bring in the cranes and let the paperwork be served!

Bubba....

You may have a point, Bubba. Best Buy hasn't really taken advantage of its inherited mascot on Manchester Expressway. For instance, why isn't there an iPod hanging around her neck?

But I've lived in Columbus long enough to remember the debate several years ago about moving Kadie the Cow downtown. That change could have been so much fun - for instance, pointing her on Broadway so the Cannon Brew Pub cannon was pointed at her tail.

Now let's put this cow out to pasture, with some actual Tuesday news items:

+ An Auburn University survey found more than 70 percent of Alabama adults support public schools providing "neutral information about homosexuality." How many people misunderstood this question, and thought it meant "NEUTER information?"

+ Opelika Mayor Gary Fuller called for a citywide task force against crime. He says 14 out of 16 Opelika homicides in the last three years have involved African-American people killing each other. So which civil rights leader will find a way to blame gun makers, for not making the weapons white?

+ The Miss America pageant announced its telecast is moving to Country Music Television. This could be tough for our new Miss Georgia, Monica Pang - because now people will expect her hairstyle to be a lot bigger.

(And besides, didn't Monica Pang play a piano piece by Chopin for the talent portion of Miss Georgia? Maybe she should start working on something by Jerry Lee Lewis....)

+ Instant Message to the Atlanta Hawks: Let me see if I have this straight. A basketball player does NOT start for North Carolina - yet you take him second in the N.B.A. draft, ahead of starters?! Do you guys also pick Jimmy Spencer to win NASCAR races?

BLOG BAFFLER: The title of today's entry is based on a character in WHAT old TV show? First person to e-mail the blog with the correct answer wins a prize!

Your PayPal donations can keep this blog ad-free and independent-minded. To make a donation, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.