30 DEC 04: I'LL TUMBLE FOR YA

The Chattahoochee Promenade is a winding footpath above the Riverwalk, west of Front Avenue. It has a couple of gazebos, a replica of the Liberty Bell - and so many curves that some Victory Drive club owners might be jealous of it.

Perhaps the Promenade winds a bit too much. The other afternoon I went jogging on this path, and watched a man walking ahead of me teeter to one side and fall in the grass. Part of me quietly wished I had run by him first, to truly cause someone to eat my dust.

This man held a cane in his right hand - but he staggered a few steps on his left foot only, before tipping over. It was the sort of scene that Rush Limbaugh could exploit on his talk show for weeks.

I jogged up to the older-looking man on the ground, and asked if he was all right. His answer surprised me: "I'm all right, sir. But I admit, I've been drinking." Too much alcohol not only can make you tipsy - it can make you brutally honest.

This was one man who would not have been helped by SafetyCab. For one thing, he tipped over at about 5:30 p.m. - and the free holiday cab rides don't start until 9:00. For another thing, he'd have to DIAL SafetyCab. If you can't even stand up, pushing buttons on a wireless phone can be a bigger adventure.

Since the man on the ground told me he was all right, I decided to jog on down the course. But now that I've had time to think about it, perhaps the Chattahoochee Promenade isn't "walker-friendly" enough. Who can we sue, for the lack of handrails at some of those curves?

My latest run Wednesday night brought another close call. This time, the course was the Riverwalk from South Commons east - and the evening air was so cool and calm, you couldn't even smell anything from the Dolly Madison bakery to make you hungry for dinner.

This section of the Riverwalk has a long wooden bridge, between the softball stadium and Port Columbus. I'd say the lighting is terrible - but that might insult the Creator of the full moon, which provides the only light at all after sunset.

I've learned the habit of clapping my hands as I run, to alert slow-moving people in front of me that I'm coming. They can clap with me if they wish - but please don't ask me to sing, if I've passed the one-mile mark.

I'd been running and walking all by myself on the Riverwalk for about 30 minutes. But at this bridge, I saw what looked like a reflection from someone's sneaker. I started clapping - and it was a good thing I did, because two men finally became apparent in the darkness. If they had been criminals, I would have jogged right into their switchblades.

Apparently the two men heard my footsteps as I plodded onto the bridge, so they froze in their tracks. When I clapped my hands, they seemed almost relieved. No, I was not the swamp creature of South Commons.

"This area needs better lighting - that's obvious," I said as I jogged by and headed for home. But let's face it, Columbus is facing big budget cuts in the coming year. Go jogging after dark next summer, and you might need a coal miner's lantern for your head.

2004 IN REVIEW, CONTINUED: September brought a scare to our area, when Hurricane Ivan came ashore. Some people lost power. Other people had damaged property. But at least President Bush finally visited Alabama once, before Election Day.

The Columbus Civic Center became a hurricane evacuation shelter, for people fleeing dangerous storms in Florida -- but apparently not many people stopped there. It's too bad the reputation about Riverdragons crowds is spreading like this....

But Vice President Cheney DID come to Columbus in September -- only not to campaign. He visited a Fort Benning military ball. So next time you hear the Vice President is in that "secure undisclosed location," check on post first.

Later in September, Jesse Jackson visited Columbus State University and encouraged young people to vote. If enough of them had paid attention, who knows how different the Kenneth Walker grand jury might have acted in November....

Fort Benning added "Drive One of Columbus" to its off-limits list in September. The business closed weeks later - and I'm a bit surprised no "Drive Two" has come along in its place.

A Columbus radio station made a startling change in September, as B-101 FM turned into "The Beat." I didn't listen to this station the last few weeks - so did they play holiday songs about a "Beat-Nick?"

. Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier announced his retirement in September. For some reason, public safety organizations still haven't his picture on one of those "why are the officers leaving" signs....

September was a big month for women's soccer in our area. Columbus State's team played its first games ever. And Auburn had a good start - until my old alma mater Kansas showed up. I resisted the urge to cover Toomer's Corner with blue spray-paint afterward.

Then came October - when gas for $1.79 a gallon looked great. By comparison, on Wednesday I found a Columbus station at $1.59. This is what happens when men stay home on autumn weekends, to watch football games....

Campaigning was in full swing in October - and so were the rumors surrounding Marshal Ken Suddeth. Things should get interesting in January. G.B.I. agents will be in Columbus to consider an investigation of the Marshal's office. And Mr. Suddeth will have all the time in the world to go to Chef Lee's, and be watched.

October was a month of departures in Columbus. Ritmo Latino Radio went off the air on weekends - yet I haven't seen a rush to tear down the Spanish-language signs on Victory Drive and South Lumpkin Road.

Also in October, we learned City Manager Carmen Cavezza had applied for a job at Columbus State University. He'll take that C.S.U. position in January - and see if he can lobby state lawmakers for money any better than he did local voters.

The end of October brought controversy, when the son of Sheriff Ralph Johnson collided with a child on Oates Avenue. Consider how that crash has brought Adam Johnson and his dad together. Father can teach son all about how to handle big civil lawsuits....

Lumpkin made the news late in October, when a group of teens with brass knuckles intimidated the local library into closing for weeks. If the Columbus Vice Squad gets its hands on these young people, you know what could happen - big undercover stings at downtown clubs.

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.