20 DEC 04: GUYS' DAY OUT

"Prestige hams." Those were the first words out of the man's mouth, at the back of a Columbus Winn-Dixie store. Those words alone struck me as funny. I mean, have YOU ever considered a ham prestigious?

"Where are the Prestige hams?" the man went on to ask an attendant in the meat section the other day. I gained the feeling this middle-aged man only goes into supermarkets for a different spelling of Hamms - as in the beer from Minnesota.

As a single guy, I've grown used to making grocery trips every couple of weeks. And the guys who seem uncomfortable on a grocery trip become rather easy to spot. For instance, they're the ones who meander a cart around the aisles the way some people hunt for just the perfect spot in the parking lot....

On the day I encountered the man looking for Prestige hams, other meats were on my mind. Take the pound of ground turkey I bought for next weekend. It tends to cost less the ground beef. It's lower in fat. And you don't have to worry about injuring yourself, carving it at the table.

Then it was on down the aisle, for a package of hot dogs. I keep a package in the freezer now, in case I get invited out for weekend dining. So if you come to visit, remember - for me, a "three dog night" means something very different.

But back to our ham-hunter: as I collected my meat, I reached the conclusion this man came with specific instructions from his wife -- and those instruction were, "Prestige ham." Repeat a short phrase often enough, and it starts to sink through men's brains.

Being ever the sneaky blogger, I didn't stop to hear every word the attendant at Winn-Dixie told the man. But I suspect the Prestige hams were gone, because the customer next asked: "Where are the turkeys?" Just think - in almost any other business, this question would refer to the management.

Some grocery stores used to help customers such as this man, by hanging big cardboard pictures of foods above the areas where they're sold. I still remember a smiling cartoon potato hanging above the potato section of a store back home. Of course, these days Mr. Potato Head might sue for copyright infringement...

I made one more stroll past the meat section of the store before checking out. That man was still there, only now on a cell phone. Truly these phones provide security - in this case, against a big argument with the spouse at the kitchen door.

Hopefully that man found the meat he needed to satisfy his wife. But after all these years, the stories of finding romance in the supermarket aisle haven't become reality for me. You go looking for something sweet, and wind up with nothing but frozen food.

2004 IN REVIEW: Someone asked me the other day what the number-one local story of the year was - and to me it only seemed obvious. If you don't think it was the Kenneth Walker case, you must work in attorney Richard Hagler's law office.

This past year began with civil rights leaders in an uproar over the way the Sheriff's Department handled the Kenneth Walker case. The Interdenominational Ministerial Alliance handled out pamphlets comparing local law officers to the Taliban of Afghanistan. Yet I don't recall one woman filing a sex discrimination suit all year.

Dr. William Howell of Rainbow/PUSH warned in January he might call for a boycott of Columbus Civic Center events, because of the Kenneth Walker. Was he ever surprised, when most of the city boycotted his recall petition drive.

Some of the quotes made in January about the Kenneth Walker look rather interesting, one year later:

+ Dwayne Brown, the attorney for Walker's fellow passengers on that fateful night, said District Attorney Gray Conger "can't be impartial" in the case. So why are many civil rights leaders so angry now, and calling Conger a buck-passer?

+ The I.M.A. pamphlet called on Georgia's Attorney General Thurbert Baker to intervene in the case. Will this group now challenge Baker's re-election, for handing the investigation over to the wrong man?

+ Edward DuBose of the NAACP called for a Citizen's Review Board, to check law officer misconduct cases. That board became reality - but now DuBose probably wishes he had included law officer's sons like Adam Johnson.

+ William Howell of Rainbow/PUSH called for Mayor Bob Poydasheff and Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue to resign. Imagine if they had - the Republicans might have been even more dominant in the November election.

+ David Glisson's attorney said he sent his "deepest condolences" to the family of Kenneth Walker. But the way Richard Hagler talked about Walker at the end of the year, you were almost left with the feeling Walker deserved to only be wounded.

As all this unfolded, Columbus city government gave the Deputy City Managers big pay raises. Public safety workers were kept waiting all year - but thankfully H.H. Gregg showed up in November, with its deep discount pricing on appliances.

Also in January, a tanker truck caught fire on Interstate 185 on a Saturday morning. It brought plenty of stares from passers-by - since barbecue pits don't tend to create that much smoke.

The Presidential campaign came to our area in January. Howard Dean visited Jimmy Carter's church in Plains - then less than 48 hours later doomed his campaign by trying to shout like a Pentecostal preacher.

John Edwards later visited downtown Columbus. He wound up as John Kerry's running mate - but he never returned to the city, while Dick Cheney made an appearance before Election Day. A 1-1 tie apparently goes to the party in power.

January also was a time of condolences in Columbus, as local gospel singer Jake Hess died. At least, we think he died - but every time there's a Gaither Homecoming hour or infomercial on TV-16, there he is....

Speaking of television, WRBL dropped live Georgia Lottery drawings in January. Have you noticed no one has picked them up since? Not even WCGT shows them - perhaps because that station would lose lots of money from preachers canceling church broadcasts.

Columbus was challenged to lose 10,000 pounds in January, during the "Weigh Down Columbus" campaign. A lot of people lost weight -- but I don't recall any barbecue restaurants going out of business.

Callaway Gardens made its own reduction during January, cutting about 25 jobs. But at least none of the flowers and trees were outsourced to China....

Auburn University was in turmoil in January, as President William Walker resigned. The Auburn football team hasn't lost a game since, so maybe he was a walking curse.

January found the Columbus Riverdragons in last place in the standings. Now they're in first place - so I guess it pays for the management to open that wallet, and spend a few hundred more dollars on free agents.

At the end of January, I posted a blog entry urging you to join me in boycotting the Super Bowl. Recall my #1 reason?

1. MTV is producing the Super Bowl half-time show. Do you really want to risk your family seeing another Britney Spears-Madonna style kiss?

Two words - Janet Jackson.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Watch for more of our 2004 review in coming days....)

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