15 DEC 04: COLD CUTS

Boy, is it getting cold in Columbus! Why, this Wednesday morning may be about as cold as attorney Richard Hagler's heart toward the Kenneth Walker family....

The weather experts warned Columbus was in for its first "hard freeze" of the season. For transplants from up north like me, it's really not hard at all. You just put on a winter coat and a hat....

The weather experts issued the usual warnings about bringing in your pets and your plants from the cold. But have you noticed they never suggest bringing in your car? They must realize most people have too much clutter in their garages to park a car inside them.

I'd held out all this time from turning on the heat at home, but Tuesday night I could wait no longer. My residence has a different form of "central heat" - a gas furnace attached to a living-room wall.

It always takes me a few minutes to turn on the furnace pilot light for the winter - mainly because I only do it once a year, and I forget the right way to do it. If I had to use matches instead of a cigarette lighter, people would think I'm a chain smoker.

After about 15 minutes on my knees and prone on the floor, the furnace finally sprang to life. For a moment, a small wall of fire sparked from the bottom of the furnace - but it didn't last long enough for me to get some hot dogs and roast them.

I'd already taken my ice scraper to the car, expecting the first frozen windshield of the season. But when the key moment came to use it Tuesday morning, I couldn't find that thing! Only Tuesday evening did I discover it hiding under the passenger seat - which I suppose beats finding a scared passenger down there.

Chilly winter days mean no outdoor running for me - so once more I'm jogging on the gymnasium track at St. Luke United Methodist Church. Tuesday's run occurred during a youth basketball practice. But I regret to tell all Baptist and Presbyterian readers I did NOT take notes on any of their plays.

E-MAIL UPDATE: My computer seems to be back to normal at last, so let's get caught up on some of your recent comments:

Hi, I'm a new reader. Somehow I happened upon your website, can't remember now what I was searching for! Very interesting. Not quite sure the reason behind your website. I take it you just like Freedom of Speech? But I got a few laughs and liked it enough to pass it on to a few friends and to bookmark it for future reading.

Just out of pure curiosity ... what do you do for a living, who do you work for? And what church do you attend?

Also, I agree about Sheriff Jolley and his land, but if I'm not mistaken, I believe he inherited that land.

If you would, please respect my privacy and don't use my name on your website, I would like to remain anonymous.

Thanks!

We welcome you, Anonymous - or may we call you "Ann" for short?

What's the reason behind this blog? Welllllll, uhhhhhh - you HAVE seen the plugs for my album at the top of the screen, right?

But seriously: this blog is an outgrowth of my attempt to become an Internet millionaire starting in 2000 with a subscription humor service called "LaughLine.com." The attempt lasted nearly three years - but when I didn't even become an Internet THOUSAND-aire, it was time to surrender.

Do I like freedom of speech? Believe it or not, the answer is yes-and-no. I support freedom to express views on issues - but when people express those views by using the same swear words over and over, I start leaning against it.

As for what I do for a living - I'm trying all sorts of things. Freelance work at a Columbus TV station pays the bills. Sales of my CD help keep the dream of a music career alive. And if enough people donate money to this blog, I'll give up those other things and try to become as wealthy as Matt Drudge.

The church I attend is the United Church of God. We meet Saturday afternoons in the "Woodmen of the World" building, down the street from the main post office and behind Dixie Home Crafters. I assume there are no trees around the building because the woodmen chopped them all down.

I'd forgotten about Harris County Sheriff Mike Jolley, and the dispute over how he wants to use some land in Hamilton [23 Nov]. It's logical to think he might have inherited that land. Of course, the Callaway family might have made some unusual campaign donations, too....

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: We'll get to more of your e-mails as time permits, over the next few days.)

Now let's see what else happened of note on Tuesday:

+ Bobby Peters took the oath of office as Superior Court Judge. Before rumors start - I think the woman holding the Bible for him was his daughter, not his latest girlfriend.

(Does Judge Bobby Peters have to provide his own gavel for this job? Or did former Judge Roxann Daniel leave one behind - perhaps boobytrapped to explode, the first time he pounds it?)

+ Fort Benning Commanding General Benjamin Freakley confirmed ten thousand new soldiers and family members will be transferred to our area next year. There's never been a better time to own a barber shop....

+ The "Friends of David Glisson" web site was brought back online, and wished the former deputy a happy birthday. I assume Glisson's family is sensitive enough NOT to serve him a devil's food birthday cake.

+ Instant Message to the 74-year-old woman who called me to complain about the Scott Peterson case: Go ahead and write that book you mentioned, about calling Amber Frey a sinner. I'd like to see how you can expand that rant to 100 pages or more.

(So what did the jury in Redwood City, California tell Scott Peterson? Make like Amber - and FRY.)

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.65 a gallon at Mystik on the Phenix City side of the Dillingham Street bridge.... milk for $1.39 a half-gallon at Piggly Wiggly.... and lids from cans of tennis balls can make great emergency ice-scrapers....

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If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.