23 APR 08: BUMS, BUNS AND BROADWAY

"He's a thief. He's a liar. And he's a crackhead." So said one of my neighbors Tuesday night -- but no, he was NOT talking about Dr. Jeremiah Wright....

BLOGGER BEGGARS #5-6: Police were called to my front porch Tuesday night. But I never called them -- and it was all because I walked down the street to buy a gallon of milk. The man I met on the way back wound up being about as welcome as Bill Clinton at a John McCain campaign rally.

I've tried to change my strategy on recent walks down the street to my neighborhood Circle K. I go in one door, and go out the other side - admittedly to avoid beggars who tend to set up outside the west door while someone is inside. With gasoline at record-high prices, I fear the number of beggars at the door may increase.

So I bought milk at Circle K at dusk, stepped outside to walk around the door down Fourth Street toward home - but a man with a limp started hollering at me. "You helped me once! You bought me a soda, and something to eat...."

"And now you're yelling at me, to tell me I was wrong?!" After all, so many other people do.

"No," Beggar #6 for 2008 said. "I've got a hole in my head right here." He pointed to his temple - and that apparently explained why he was yelling. He's trying to overcome the echo in his brain.

The beggar then asked for "a couple of dollars, so I can get something to eat." I turned around and started walking back toward Circle K - but of course, things couldn't be that easy.

"I can't go in there."

"But there's plenty of food in there. They have hot dogs and...."

"But you can't get chili and onions on them, like you can at the shops on Broadway." It's called Uptown Columbus for a reason, isn't it?

At last I could ask a beggar about this pesky recurring issue. "You're begging for money for food, standing outside a store with plenty of food inside, but you can't go inside the store."

"No... they know I'm a bum." This may have been the most truthful thing the man said all evening.

"Then why aren't you standing on Broadway, outside those places?" I knew the answer, of course. For all the critics of that part of Columbus, it actually has a few regular security patrols.

"You're telling me unless there's chili and onions on your hot dog, you're prepared to starve?" The beggar answered these rather convicting questions as only a beggar would.

"I'm hurting...." and the man pulled up his shirt, to show me the aching spot around his waist. Not to mention a bit of his underwear.

"I think I've got cancer," the beggar continued. "And I'm only 48." He later said he planned to get checked today at the John B. Amos Cancer Center - so doctors should look for a nearly-bald man with a limp, a patched hole in his head, and a rundown blanket for covering any incisions.

"All I want is a couple of dollars...." and with that, the beggar reached into a pocket and pulled out 46 cents. Sad to say, you can't even get a pack of crackers from a vending machine for that anymore.

I had other things to do, so I made a final offer. "If I make you dinner, will you eat it?" The beggar agreed, and walked across the Circle K parking lot to get his belongings -- which included a couple of bags and a long wooden stick. He had the big stick, but he wasn't speaking softly.

"Slow down, you're walking too fast," the man said a couple of times as he limped behind me toward my home. My fast walk was a bit due to the BLOG SPECIAL EVENT, now in its final week - but it admittedly also was born of frustration, as my evening plans were interrupted for the second night in a row. Although I suppose this IS another Blog Exclusive....

"Hamburgers or hot dogs?" the man asked as we approached my apartment.

"Neither one. I'm serving you a microwave meal." I have no buns in the house, due to what Jews call the Passover season and Christians call the Days of Unleavened Bread. And even worse - I don't have a single onion to my name.

We approached the front porch, and I asked the beggar to have a chair while I made dinner.

"Let me come in," the beggar requested - but I wouldn't let him. Moments later, I understood why he wanted in. A couple of neighbors recognized the man -- as if they'd picked him out of a police lineup.

A little bowl of microwave ravioli takes about two minutes to heat. I used that time to prepare the man a beverage and take it to the front porch. "Here's some wa...."

"Juice," the beggar answered. Thankfully, he didn't insist on grape or cranberry.

I went back, poured a cup of apple juice for the man which he liked - then pulled the ravioli out of the microwave. I returned to the door just in time to find two neighbors giving the beggar something else. Only he didn't ask for a piece of their minds....

"What are you doing here?" one of the neighbors said. "You need to get out of here! I don't want to see you on my front porch again!" Actually, we share a small corner porch in the apartment complex - and I suddenly wondered if I should have asked for his permission to put out my plant for the warm weather.

The beggar had a small bag at his feet, as he sat in a chair. One of the neighbors lowered it, to reveal a can of Budweiser Select beer inside. This guy may have been as selective with his beers as he was with his hot dogs.

"You're lying to the man," the neighbor continued. "You'd better leave before I get mad!"

"You sound like you're mad already," I said quietly.

The beggar put the warm ravioli in his large bag, and shuffled away from the porch. That's when the neighbors told me they knew this man as a thief.

"He just wants to get inside," one said. "And once he's inside, he'll take it all." Wow -- a limping home invader, using a long wooden stick as a weapon.

"You can't help someone like that," the next-door neighbor told me as he went back inside his apartment. Personally, I don't agree with that. But maybe this neighbor was a closet member of the Columbus Baptist Association.

I went to my bedroom for about 15 minutes of study time - but then I heard a loud knock. It actually was for the neighbor next-door - but that's when Columbus police officers invited me outside to join them. The "National Night Out" against crime came extra-early this year....

"If you want to press charges, press charges," a neighbor was saying to someone I couldn't see. Apparently it was the beggar - who may have invested some of his 46 cents to dial 911.

"Do you have a gun?" one officer asked the two neighbors and me. None of us do. Yet the beggar apparently claimed someone pulled out a gun during the short argument. If any weapon came out at all, the beggar wound up with it -- and the plastic fork for the ravioli was in a wrapper.

I explained to the officers everything I'd explained above, about the encounter with the beggar. Well, it was the condensed version - because it didn't seem like the right time to include punch lines.

"Then these men started having a discussion...." I added. Well, a "discussion" on the order of a Republican and a Democrat on a cable news channel, discussing the fighting in Iraq.

"I appreciate you trying to do the right thing," a female officer told me. "But you have to be extra-careful" - hinting some people in my neighborhood may not have the best reputation. And I don't think she meant the fighters on the Columbus Cottonmouths, since they're out of the playoffs.

"Karma is good," the officer said to encourage me. Karma?! My hair is covering my ears a little right now - but it's certainly not hippie-length.

The officers decided against arresting or charging anyone. But the beggar apparently has been warned if he walks onto the apartment complex grounds again, he'll be charged with "criminal trespass." So if he sees me a third time and asks for food, I could have to borrow from Sonic Drive-Ins - and serve him dinner at the curb.

This incident comes only three days after Blogger Beggar #5 crossed our path. Only this young man dared to walk inside a convenience store, to make his request. As we noted the other day, things are a bit more progressive in Montgomery....

"Do you have a quarter, man?" the man asked as he walked through the door of a Shell station on East Boulevard. I'd just spent $1.09 for a bag of corn chips -- and now a stranger wanted the tip.

"What do you need it for?" I asked after a moment.

"To get me something to drink. I'm not doing drugs or anything." Hmmmm - how would he have known some people beg for that reason?!

"Go get the drink, and I'll add my quarter to whatever you have." I stood at the counter, and waited for the beggar to reach into a cooler and pull out a red drink similar to Gatorade. The man at the cash register watched it all, without saying a word. That cashier appeared to be of East Indian descent, so this scene might not be all that unusual.

But the joke was on Beggar #5 when he reached the register. He had about 90 cents, but the bottle of red drink cost $1.39. "But it's supposed to be 79 cents," the customer complained. Well, the price of gas at Shell is only supposed to be about $1.50 a gallon....

I tossed my quarter onto the metal counter, like I was calling a bet on poker night. The beggar tightened his hand around his change, and walked back outside as if to get some more. I didn't wait around for the outcome - leaving with my chips, before that man tried to raise my bet.

BLOG UPDATE: More details are out about the visit of Dr. Jeremiah Wright to Columbus in two weeks. St. John A.M.E. Church Pastor Debora Grant didn't return our call Tuesday - but she told WXTX "News at Ten" Wright has visited her church each of the last four years. Of course, this year is different. This time, a large number of people actually care that he's coming.

"Pastor Debbie" Grant said she's more interested in the revival meetings May 4-8, than any political views which Dr. Jeremiah Wright might present. So her concern is getting right - instead of comments from the far left.

By the way, our Tuesday exclusive on Dr. Jeremiah Wright resulted in the busiest day this blog has ever had. If you're new here, welcome. We hope you visit often, offer your input - and if someone's coming to YOUR revival meeting to order a curse from heaven upon our country, please let us know.

SCHEDULED THURSDAY: An Earth Day e-mail which will take a little research on our part....

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BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 609 (+ 30, 5.2%)

TRUDGE REPORT, DAY 52: Running 3.25 miles, walking, 0.6 miles. Total: 163.9 miles run, 17.7 walked

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