1 APR 08: THE LABELMAKERS

OK, you know what day of the year this is. You know (hopefully) this is a humor-driven blog. So are you expecting an entry today which is far-fetched, ridiculous and unbelievable? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you -- I am NOT talking about my personal life today....

Instead, I'm thinking about another place where unbelievable things can happen. The Georgia General Assembly is in the final week of this year's session in Atlanta. And I'm amazed at how a good bit of work has been spent on renaming things - although they've resisted the urge to name any of the new intersections on Wynnton Road after Teresa Tomlinson.

Take Monday, when a Georgia legislative committee discussed transportation issues. There's a proposal to change the state code, and reword any mention of "seat belts." [True/GPB] As if diehard rebellious drivers will buckle up, if you change the name of it?! Changing the local baseball team's name hasn't brought more fans to Golden Park.

Senate Bill 412 would replace the words "safety belt" throughout Georgia's state code with "life belt." The way the bill is worded, it appears "seat belt" is already out of the code - and I suppose that makes sense. As a separate Senate resolution points out, they're not in cars to lock down the seats.

A quick online check Monday night didn't find any other state rushing to change the name of seat belts. But it did reveal the phrase "life belts" dates from the 1850's - in terms of life preservers used in boating. Yet I don't think Lifebuoy ranks among the top-selling bars of soap anymore....

But Senate Bill 412 doesn't stop there. Georgia code also would be changed to say "life bag" instead of "air bag." Now this makes sense to me. The latter phrase would be reserved exclusively for long-winded politicians.

It's not clear to me why some Georgia lawmakers want to change the official wording from "safety belt" to "life belt." I suppose they think it will encourage more people to use those devices. But several sponsors of this bill are Democrats - who are more likely to object to anti-abortion groups calling themselves pro-life.

But before you point a finger at Georgia Democrats for adding "life belt" to the list of "politically correct" phrases, I must note two sponsors of this Senate bill are Republicans. And the bill passed the mostly-Republican State Senate 42-10 - so perhaps the G.O.P. is making up for saying "death tax" so much.

Georgia Republicans actually started this renaming movement, with the proposal to repeal all state ad valorem taxes. Rep. Richard Smith of Columbus and others started calling the ad valorem tax on cars the "birthday tax." People who ride the bus all over town may be wondering why their birthdays receive extra-special treatment.

(Of course, Republicans have referred to the federal estate tax as the "death tax" for years. I can't wait to hear Michigan Congressional Jack Kevorkian explain where he stands on that....)

At least there's no written proposal in the Georgia legislature to rename the ad valorem tax on cars the "birthday tax." Some lawmakers might try to extend that to cakes sold at bakeries.

I say all this to make two points. First: the business of "political correctness" in speech is NOT merely a Democratic thing. Both parties do it - changing names of things to meet their agendas. I'm a bit surprised State Senator Seth Harp hasn't called his proposal for Sunday liquor sales in stores the "NASCAR Fan Freedom Act."

Second: you'd think Georgia lawmakers would have more important things to do in Atlanta than reword small sections of state laws. But I guess I should know better than that. There was another bill this session, to declare an "official state language of the deaf community." No, it was NOT shouted English.

E-MAIL UPDATE: We're still waiting for word that a Russell County Commission candidate has been arrested. But a response to the idea is already in....

Dear Richard,

What is with that fraidy cat Alabama former cop who wants to incarcerate the Robert Schweitzer because he sent him a FAX? What a (what is that word) Wimpy Wookie Woosh.

Tell that former cop that in Columbus we have girl cops who race into buildings ---directly into gunfire, to save lives--- Mother of three that girl, Alicia Davenport, who fearlessly stopped the Shooter at Drs. Hospital from traveling outside the Hospital.

But then again, that wimpy wookie woosh may be too wimpy to understand that he is not behaving like a manly man by calling the law because of a FAX. He probably doesn't understand that he is shaming himself. Pitiful Shame!

I guess he just doesn't care that he looks like less of a man by seeking to incarcerate and waste tax dollars because he took issue with a FAX. He apparently has no internal problem resolution repertoire.

Hmmmm - maybe the Internet is filled with Wimpy Wookie Wooshes. You can't get far online without a "WWW."

To be a bit technical, Alicia Davenport may not qualify as a "cop." She's a Deputy Marshal - and another blog reader reminded us she sued the Columbus Police Department last year on grounds of sexual harassment. So Davenport not only put her life on the line at Doctors Hospital last week. She could have cost her attorney a lot of money, in unpaid legal bills.

As for another candidate in that east Alabama race, we wrote on Sunday....

Russell County Commissioner J.D. Upshaw did confirm one bit of election news to us: "I plan to serve four more years, then retire." He's served District 7 for 12 years - and I think he's one of the few commissioners who hasn't been sued or hospitalized

If memory is right, this person was hospitlaized when a tractor was being loaded onto a trailer rolled on top of him - not long after in office...

I'm not sure if that's true or not. A check of the Ledger-Enquirer's online archives Monday night didn't mention it. But I'm sure the other commission candidates will take note of it - and do some digging to see if Upshaw overstated his injuries in a lawsuit.

Back to Columbus for one last message....

Wondering if you had seen this yet, what's going on here?



Population Loss Rankings

Wow, thanks for bringing this up. It's a story from Detroit - where my beloved Kansas Jayhawks won the NCAA Midwest Regional, to advance to the Men's Final Four! I'm sure they left town in a hurry, before someone found a way to give Davidson extra time.

Oh wait - you wanted me to read that story?! It lists Columbus as one of six metropolitan areas which lost 5,000 people or more in a 12-month period, from July 2006 to July 2007. I didn't realize that many new people were clogging the Smiths Station schools....

The Ledger-Enquirer had a story on that big population drop last week - and several experts blamed most of it on the Third Brigade leaving Fort Benning to serve in Iraq. If all goes well, those soldiers will start coming home in May. And the local real estate agents thinking about quitting business might be able to go out for dinner again.

Thanks to all of you who write us -- and now let's check some Monday headlines:

+ Synovus executive Robert Varner announced he'll run for Fife Whiteside's seat on the Muscogee County School Board. Varner may be best-known for presenting the late-afternoon stock reports on WDAK. If he's elected, Varner might advance to the next level - and be a guest on Mike Gaymon's talk show.

+ A Pittsview family told WLTZ it was "happy" to see its house burn to the ground. A church work crew from southeast Alabama torched the already-damaged house, to destroy what was left after the February tornado. Let's hope no one has told that crew about the Baker High School sale....

+ The Columbus Catfish held a pre-season "media day" at Golden Park. Infielder Seth Dhaenens claimed last year's South Atlantic League championship was "exciting for the city...." Imagine how stunned I was, to check his online statistics - and learn he actually played in Columbus on that team.

(Let's look at the record since last September. There's been no parade to celebrate the Catfish championship. There's still no signs at Golden Park, noting the team's success. And Councilor Jerry "Pops" Barnes has yet to be named the team nurse for a day.)

To offer a story tip, make a PayPal donation, advertise to our readers or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post your e-mail comment and offer a reply.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 637 (- 13, 2.0%)

TRUDGE REPORT, DAYS 29-30: Spring Cleaning, 90 minutes. Total: 101.35 miles run, 14.3 walked

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