13 APR 08: U R N LUV

TRUE NEWS ITEM: Ladonia Elementary School's kindergarten class put on an outdoor "wedding ceremony" Friday, uniting the letters Q and U.

"Dearly B-loved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and all these.... excuse me, Principal. Can I say 'God' at this public school?"

"It's all right. We're in Alabama."

"Thank you. We are gathered in the sight of God and all these witnesses, to unite these letters Q and U in holy matrimony. I am pleased to preside today, as your Justice of the P's. Who gives away the bride? Oh, and which one IS the bride, anyway?"

"U, sir. Q is the male. Do we really need a lesson in sex education here?"

"Ahem -- of course. My apologies. Now as I was saying, who gives away the bride?"

"We do, sir. We're the bankers providing financing for this wedding."

"And you would be...."

"C, B and T."

"Very good."

"Miss U!!!"

"Quite touching of them to say that. I would remind the bride and groom that marriage is an...."

"Infidels! They are INFIDELS!"

"Excuse me - who are you, sir?"

"This wedding of letters cannot go forward!"

"And why not?"

"I am a member of al-Qaeda. And U -- U have NO business joining with this letter in...."

"Get down! Hit the ground NOW!"

"Mumppph, mummpph!!"

"You're under arrest, Al!"

"What is this? Who are all of you?!?"

"Alphabet police. This man is on our watch list."

"Alphabet police?!"

"F, B and I. Just doing our jobs. Now if you'll excuse us."

"But I thought B was with the bankers that...."

"Shhhhh! Don't blow my cover!"

"Oh. All right. Now can we please have some order? If anyone - anyone else here objects to the wedding of these letters, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

"I do, your honor."

"Another one?! And who might you be?"

"I am an emissary from the emirate of Qatar. My people have appreciated the singleness of Q for centuries, and we believe this is a bad combination."

"That's right. You tell 'em."

"Who is this person alongside the emissary?"

"Dave Arwood, from WCGQ Radio. We're Q-107.3, and we don't want to change our nickname because of this."

"In fact, your Justiceship, this marriage could damage international relations."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, think about it. How long has this country been known as the U-S?"

"Now look at what you've done. You're making the bride cry."

"Mr. Justice, I'm no more attached to the letter S than I am to the N at the United Nations. I mean, yes, we're close and all -- but that's just a business relationship."

"I think I understand, Miss U. And as for - hey, what are you guys doing with the cameras?"

"We're the paparazzi. Gotta get a shot of this."

"Have you no shame? No respect?? Who do you work for???"

"The alphabet gossip web site - TMZ. You guys met on Sesame Street, right?"

"How did you know that?"

"We hid behind the garbage can. Caught it all. So where do letters like you go on your honeymoon - to D.C.? Or L.A.?"

"Will you please wait until the reception, for your annoying picture-taking?"

"We paparazzi have our own job to do, you know. After all, we were barred from that last big alphabet wedding."

"Which one was that?"

"The one with J-Z."

"Oh, please - this is ridiculous."

"When letters of the alphabet get connected, it's our job to ask.... Y."

"Enough already! Before anything else happens, I'm going to pronounce Q and U husband and wife. You objectors can take it up with the government."

"The government? Who's going to listen to us?"

"Well, we still do have a President called W."

"Party-pooper Justice. We're taking our cameras to the next assignment. We know we'll be welcome there."

"Where's TMZ going now?"

"Tuscaloosa - for A-Day."

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BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 606 (+ 21, 3.6%)

TRUDGE REPORT, DAYS 41-42: 3.8 miles run, 0.9 walked. Total: 139.1 miles run, 15.4 walked

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