18 APR 08: CLEAN AND GREEN

The man on the phone simply couldn't believe it. I'd just told him about my annual custom of spending five weeks on what I call "Serious Spring Cleaning." That man admitted he hadn't touched some items in his home in years. I'm wondering if he should touch them now - or risk having the movement make a wall collapse.

Victory came around 11:15 ET this morning, in our annual spring-cleaning marathon. The final bag of trash was placed in a secure undisclosed location, not far from my home. I have to keep this location a secret, in case someone finds out and throws it back on my porch.

We've mentioned before that the goal of our Serious Spring Cleaning has a religious basis - to get all the leaven out of our home, for the spring Passover season. For some, this can be accomplished simply by cleaning the kitchen. For a blogger trying to overcome an addiction to chocolate chip cookies while typing in the computer room, this simply won't work.

To be "fair and balanced," I clean every room of the house during Serious Spring Cleaning. The bathroom doesn't take very long. Especially since ants aren't hiding under some of the tiles anymore, and attempting cliff diving stunts when I'm running the shower.

The bedroom can hold a few surprises during cleaning season. Don't laugh at me for this, but I still have an old-school waterbed. It's more comfortable than any other bed I've had -- and the mattress has NOT turned green with algae, after several years without draining.

The surprises come in cleaning, because I sometimes place items on the bed rail -- and if they fall between the sideboard and the water mattress, they can go into hiding. I found a hidden handkerchief there several weeks ago. Hmmmm -- maybe I should put my stash of travelers' checks there, too.

When Serious Spring Cleaning reaches the computer room, things get complicated. There are lots of papers accumulated here, which need to be sorted or dumped. But don't worry, you I.R.S. employees - I followed the warning on your letter, and I still have NOT thrown away the notice that a stimulus check is coming.

Plenty of dusting is done in the computer room. And my PC screen gets a good cleaning - only now I'm concerned that my eyes will be damaged, without that layer of dust for a filter.

In the living room, I confirmed my home has a new kind of insect problem. Spiders seem to have invaded some hideaways in the last year, leaving cobwebs in many places. If they took time to gobble up some of the cockroaches, I wouldn't mind it as much....

Spider webs were under a book cabinet, around a coffee table, and behind my stereo system. They should all be gone now - but why do I suddenly have to turn up my FM radio louder, to pick up some stations?

The grand finale, of course, is the kitchen. Leavening could be anywhere in there, which must be.... oops. Excuse me, I just realized something....

A man who purchased my CD recently says he enjoys listening to it "over and over." The inspirational music might get you hooked as well. Hear samples from One God, Many Moods and learn how to order it by clicking here.

OK, I'm back. The glass plate inside the microwave still wasn't rinsed off.

Amazingly, spiders may have snuck inside my toaster during the last year. But this turned out to be a good thing, in terms of cleaning. The webs collected a lot of crumbs....

We had the "tipping of the toaster" ceremony quite early this year - about ten days ago. That's when I stop putting bread in the toaster, and it's flipped upside-down to loosen the crumbs for cleaning. But no, I am NOT fanatical enough to do the same thing with the microwave and oven.

When Serious Spring Cleaning ends, it's quite a satisfying feeling to take out the last bags of trash. And yes, I remember to recycle -- everything from plastic and white paper to spare clothes hangers. But it's a shame that only Knight Recycling on Sixth Avenue is willing to pay me money for it.

(Did you know the going rate for aluminum cans is up to 50 cents a pound? The cans you collect from this weekend's picnic might wind up buying dessert for the next one.)

And the benefits of Serious Spring Cleaning might continue for weeks to come. That man on the phone who couldn't believe what I did invited me to come to his house -- and clean it for 15 dollars an hour. As long as I don't have to put on a "Merry Maid" skirt....

Because the end of cleaning season took top priority, we've had to gloss over some big local stories which could have led any other time....

+ WLTZ was first to report Columbus Fire Chief Jeff Meyer offered a recruiting job to an upset employee -- only the job didn't exist in the city payroll. Why do I have the feeling in a few weeks, Meyer will be in a similar situation? Only he won't exist in HIS job?

(Combine this incident with the still-unsettled Zachary Allen investigation, and Mayor Jim Wetherington seems to have two choices. Either the fire chief is "burnt toast" - or the one-percent sales tax question goes down in flames.)

+ Columbus Regional announced it will buy Hughston Orthopedic Hospital from HCA. But it's NOT buying the Hughston Clinic, and the hospital on Veterans Parkway will NOT change its name. Confused athletes will come to Columbus for treatment, and think it's a local version of Dale Earnhardt Junior and his mom.

(This comes only weeks after Columbus Regional took over Doctors Hospital. I don't want to say the other area hospitals are nervous - but don't be surprised if a giant statue of St. Francis appears on Manchester Expressway, staring toward the Medical Center.)

+ A drive along Wynnton Road revealed Shearith Israel synagogue is up for sale. In a way, I can understand why it wants to move. Passover begins this weekend - and the churches on either side of it can feel like a Jesus sandwich.

(A friend tells me she's never seen more than 12 people inside Shearith Israel for a worship service - even though its sanctuary can seat close to 300. Maybe the synagogue should hold a Passover dance to attract new members. You know, a matzo ball....)

+ Federal Judge Clay Land ruled the widow of a Fort Benning soldier can undergo artificial insemination, with sperm harvested from her husband's body. Imagine how this could change the language of romance in this country. "I love you with all my heart, all my soul and all my sperm."

+ Rep. Lynn Westmoreland called for a federal investigation of college football's Bowl Championship Series. I appreciate what this Georgia lawmaker is trying to accomplish - because he obviously thinks one-loss Kansas was slighted for the championship game, in favor of Louisiana State.

+ Instant Message to the Springer Opera House: Did you plan that? I mean, that current play called "Doubt?" Staging a drama about a priest accused by a nun while the Pope is in the U.S. seems nothing short of miraculous.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Now that the house is clean, we're taking a weekend road trip. Our next scheduled post will be Monday, and we'll try to get caught up on your e-mails then.)

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BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 563 (- 58, 9.3%)

TRUDGE REPORT, DAYS 47-48: Spring cleaning, 210 minutes. Total: 157.3 miles run, 15.4 walked

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author -- not necessarily those of anyone else in Columbus living or dead, and perhaps not even you.

© 2003-08 Richard Burkard, all rights reserved.