for 14 MAY 07: HE'LL GRANT YOU THAT

Bob Corwin is a writer, a bit like me. But he admits he's at his limit on grasping technology, so he doesn't have time for blogs. That also makes him a bit like me -- because the only "Blackberry" I really understand involves preserves.

You probably wouldn't know who Bob Corwin is unless you're a careful reader of this blog. He's a grant writer, who prepares applications and paperwork for small cities across Alabama. One of them happens to be Hurtsboro - so he's trying to improve the town where he doesn't live, even if residents supposedly are bailing out to save their lives.

I called Bob Corwin for this Hurtsboro Monday, because his name was dropped by Russell County Constable R.J. Schweiger in a couple of recent e-mails. Here are the excerpts:

Mayor Tarver, Bob Corwin is not your friend! He is in it for the commission - and the commission only! [16 Apr]

Bob Corwin is a Grant Writer who has successive failures in getting worthwhile Grants for The Hurtsboro Water Board. [30 Apr]

Wow, Corwin's a bit like me again. I've had "successive failures" in business during this decade. But I forgot to ask him how it feels to be a failure - perhaps because he was still working.

Instead, I started by asking Bob Corwin about his work with the city of Hurtsboro. He clarified one puzzle in my mind, by saying a recently-awarded state grant for new park equipment does NOT require matching funds. But if you want to donate a couple of basketballs for the new goals, I doubt anyone would object.

Bob Corwin revealed only last Friday, Hurtsboro City Hall was contacted by the state of Alabama regarding the "community enhancement grant" for park equipment. The bidding process for the work now will begin - and if all goes well, the new equipment will be ready for use in October or November. Just in time for hunters to use it for target practice?!

Bob Corwin probably has been working some late nights recently. That's because Tuesday is the deadline to file requests for Alabama community development block grants. Corwin actually is a consultant for several cities, and was preparing papers for three different places when I called. He must be one of those rare men who really looks at maps.

Without my even asking, Bob Corwin offered details of how his consulting business works. He says he's paid an "eight to 12 percent administrative fee" only if a grant request is approved. For Hurtsboro's park equipment grant of about $130,000, that computes to at least $10,000. A few of those fees, and this writer could make more money than Tim Chitwood.

Bob Corwin left the impression the grant process in Alabama is very competitive, with dozens of cities applying for limited state funds. Sometimes a city gets what it wants, while sometimes it doesn't. So Constable Schweiger may look at the Water Board grant proposals, and conclude Corwin is a local version of Mike Shula.

After discussing the grant process for a few minutes, I had to bring up the man who referred me to Bob Corwin. Corwin chose his words carefully at first about Constable R.J. Schweiger, explaining he wanted to be polite. I'm not sure that would stop other people in Hurtsboro....

But anyway: Bob Corwin finally said R.J. Schweiger called him early in the grant-writing process for the park equipment. Corwin recalls Schweiger asked all sorts of questions about how much money he would be paid, questions he considered "inappropriate." It's not like Corwin was being asked to pitch for the New York Yankees.

Bob Corwin said R.J. Schweiger challenged several details of the grant request for park equipment in Hurtsboro. Schweiger claimed the park was NOT on city property, when it was. He claimed the park was in a flood plain, when it wasn't. And he sent a state agency pictures of rundown concrete benches in the park - which Corwin says actually helped Hurtsboro get the grant, not lose it.

Corwin told me if he wanted, he could sue R.J. Schweiger for some of the Constable's critical statements. Schweiger openly has suspected Corwin only cares about his cut from a city grant -- to which Corwin said: "He needs to be thumped in the head. Get real!" Personally, I'd wait until the Constable stands close to some fresh watermelons....

Bob Corwin says R.J. Schweiger has "illusions of grandeur" when it comes to Hurtsboro, perhaps because of his office as Constable. Corwin adds Schweiger has become a "troublemaker" in the town, by considering himself a "big fish in a small pond." And if that pond is in a flood plain, he may risk getting swept away someday.

Bob Corwin left no doubt that he thinks R.J. Schweiger is hurting Hurtsboro more than he's helping. Corwin noted the city needs plenty of help, since it's the only incorporated city in Russell County besides Phenix City. For instance, did you notice Hurtsboro lost out on that combined city-county animal shelter?

So what does the alleged troublemaker have to say about Hurtsboro this week? The Constable e-mailed us again since last Monday....

Richard:

I appreciate your words of caution about naming events [4 May]. I never gave a thought to it - but your words can be distorted in many ways. I've been there and done that - I really can spell Mayor if I consult my thesaurus - but in this instance I feel that m"Mare" is quite appropriate! But consider the source; it's only the opinion of an unstable Con - or so it's written.

I got a report from a reliable source on the latest Council meeting. It seems that plans for the "Park" are going ahead full steam. The City Attorney made one of his rare appearances - and they all rejoiced over the fact that I was the only one who made a written complaint. I wonder where Joan York was? She and many others were totally in accord with me when I tried to intercede with the Dept' of Economic Development. Oh well - that's water over the dam.

I was overjoyed when "someone" in "Hurt'sboro decided to BLOG! But I had my doubts that it would be effective. So far I've been right - the page is difficult to reach and has produced nothing but drivel! That's the way we do things in "Hurt'sboro.

I read with amusement some of the things Mr. Ounti had to say about me. One remark in particular caught my eye. Mr. Ounti stated; "I hear the Constable always keeps an ace up his sleeve." Well, not to disappoint him, I have this in reply. Things are rather dormant right now - but rest assured that there are at least two surprises coming up soon!"

Constable R.J. Schweiger

Yes, my words CAN be distorted - but in more than four years, I don't think any politicians have claimed I endorsed their campaign.

We did not hear from the mysterious "Russell C. Ounti" in the last week. Perhaps he already had those 41-cent postage stamps you need beginning today - and he didn't want to waste two valuable pennies, writing us too soon.

But hold on a minute - check that quote from Mr. Ounti again, about how the Constable "keeps an ace up his sleeve." That's indeed a paraphrase from one of his letters, but we have NOT posted that quote here! Hmmm - have we caught R.J. Schweiger with something else up his sleeve? Like perhaps a split personality?

BLOG UPDATE: So how was your Mother's Day? Without planning to do so, I wound up Sunday in a place with a good bit of "Mom Madness." That's what happens when the supermarkets open before noon, while most of the big department stores don't.

As I walked into Publix at Cross Country Plaza shortly after 11:00 a.m., a couple of people were carrying out big Mother's Day balloons. At a table near the door, a staff member was helping a child decorate a heart-shaped cake. Only later did I think of doing the same thing - to celebrate watching poker on TV.

(Uh-oh - I've seen cases in Columbus of grocery stores selling meat and milk past their expiration dates. Were those heart-shaped cakes kept in a freezer for the last three months?)

I only needed a couple of items at Publix, but the checkout lanes were busy for a Sunday morning. A well-dressed woman in green was right in front of me in the "Express Lane," but she clearly had more than ten items in her basket. If she was a mother, someone should have given her remedial math lessons.

(Yes, I counted how many items were in the woman's basket. The Express Lanes at Publix don't have magazine racks to distract me with more important things - like whether Tom Cruise is going to dump Katie Holmes for Jennifer Aniston.)

The attendant at Publix didn't stop the woman in green for having too many items in the Express Lane - and I decided to bite my tongue and say nothing. After all, it was Mother's Day and she might be a mother. And she had a couple of young men with her, whom you'd think could help her count.

Now for some other things we noticed around town this weekend:

+ Several Columbus gas stations reversed the 12-cent price hike of Friday, falling back to the $2.76 range. I'm sorry, but I can't believe the regional softball tournament at South Commons brought in that many thousands of fans.

+ An early-morning Riverwalk run was my most "normal" workout in weeks. It wasn't spectacular in distance, but at least I had no pain in my lungs or side when I took deep breaths. And on Sunday morning, the only congestion in my corner of Columbus was in my nose and lungs.

+ Instant Message to Fourth Street Baptist Church: I meant to bring this up Sunday - but why did you have sprinklers running at 6:00 p.m. Saturday night? When it was raining a little? And the sprinklers seemed to be pointing more toward a parking lot?

This blog has thousands of visitors each month, from people in Columbus and around the world. To advertise to them, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post your e-mail comment and offer a reply.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 2742 (- 159, 5.5%)

If you mention this blog in public, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-07 Richard Burkard, all rights reserved.