for 24 NOV 06: STOP THE INSANITY

If you're reading this at 4:30 a.m. before heading for a Friday sale - and my "Statcounter" can check such things - think this over a second. There's still time to change your mind about this. There's still time to go back to bed, and get up at 7:30 like normal people do on holidays. Believe me, the store shelves will NOT be barren and empty....

"Insanely early" is the exact language Sears used in its online banner ads Thursday, promoting its after-Thanksgiving specials. Sears, Wal-Mart, Goody's, Circuit City and numerous other stores chose to open their doors at 5:00 a.m. - letting the general public know for one day what it's like to be in basic training at Fort Benning.

Peachtree Mall tends to open at 6:00 a.m. on the Friday after Thanksgiving - and I know from experience that the mall expects TV cameras to be on hand for the occasion. But why not? It's probably the biggest crowd to show up since "Family Day in the Park" back in June.

On the other hand, did you hear what eBay has declared today? It's "National Sleep-In Day," apparently because you'll avoid the mall and buy things at that web site. What's the going rate for PlayStation 3 systems in auctions right now - $4,000?

I don't know who started the idea of "insanely early" opening times on Thanksgiving Friday - but it truly has become insane. The department stores open even before fast-food places open for breakfast. So I think this is all a big conspiracy with Golden Donuts and Waffle House.

Thanksgiving Friday has become SO insane that Opelika Police have set up a "mobile command center" at the Tigertown shopping center for the weekend. I've never heard of so much preparation, to keep grown-ups from fighting over Elmo dolls.

A few hints of insanity were noticeable in Columbus Thursday. But let me make clear: not all of it was bad. When the high temperature is 71 degrees F. on Thanksgiving Day, that's a downright welcome blessing....

Since I wasn't invited out for Thanksgiving dinner, I had to create some holiday fun of my own. That may be one disadvantage of being a blogger -- families may be concerned the quality of their sweet potatoes will be posted all over the Internet.

So instead, I had a racquetball workout around midday in the warm sunshine. Then for perhaps the first time ever, I went to Thanksgiving dinner in a T-shirt and running shorts. Elastic waistbands allow room for more food, you know....

As I drove to dinner, I noticed an insane Columbus tradition was continuing - as no radio station broadcast the Thanksgiving Day football games. In fact, WEAM-AM was off the air Thursday night when I tried to listen to the Cottonmouths hockey game. I wanted to know if the Civic Center had the only frozen turkeys left in town.

Shoney's in Phenix City was the choice for Thanksgiving dinner, as it offered a full-meal buffet for $8.99. The staff was so nice that three people came by to ask what I wanted to drink. Top-dollar restaurants such as Caffe Amici usually stop at two.

Shoney's was fairly busy at around 2:00 p.m., but I could hear the piped-in music - seemingly all Christmas music. Talk about insanity! The Christian FM stations in this city won't even start playing that for another week....

From listening around my booth while eating Thanksgiving dinner, it became clear the holiday was a bit insane for other customers. One woman sat down, and actually asked the server what city she was in. It's time Phenix City made those 1999 Little League championship signs a little bigger.

This woman apparently was having radiator problems, because she called someone on her cell phone and mentioned overheating. She was bound for a Thanksgiving dinner in another town, because she asked the woman at Shoney's for a basket of fish and chips to go -- and she didn't even talk with a British accent.

The "buffet de Sho-NAY" (to use proper-sounding French) provided all the things you'd expect for a traditional holiday dinner - along with some surprises. When did it become commonplace to eat shrimp on Thanksgiving? I'm admittedly not a Gulf Coast kind of guy - but those shrimp must be hard to stuff with cornbread dressing.

Another surprise was that the Shoney's buffet had only one kind of pie for dessert - a hearty pumpkin, instead of pecan. And the whipped topping was in a buffet pan, which meant it stuck to the serving spoon as much as the mashed potatoes did.

( I mentioned this on the phone to my older brother in Kansas City Thursday night, and he asked why I didn't ask for other kinds of pie. C'mon, it's Thanksgiving Day. Just because I don't join in Friday shopping doesn't mean I can grumble a day early.)

Other than that, the Shoney's Thanksgiving buffet was nice. You could eat all you wished, with no concern about leftovers when you were through - not to mention the 90 minutes of football you might miss by hand-washing the dishes.

The last surprise at Shoney's came when I noticed the servers' name tags. The Phenix City restaurant actually has a server named Alabama. You'd think someone named Auburn would have been on hand, for balance....

BLOG CORRECTION: A couple of e-mailers caught a mistake we made Wednesday....

The aquarium was funded by [Arthur] Blank's old Home Depot partner Bernie Marcus.

Thank you for reminding me - and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I was putting the right person's name on the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. After awhile, all these billionaires start looking alike to me.

E-MAIL UPDATE: The InBox also has this touching tale about a supermarket:

Today in the Winn Dixie store on Macon Rd the manager was talking to an elderly lady in a wheel chair grocery buggy...She was telling him she drove to the store,but didn't think she could drive home..He got down on his knees to talk to her face to face..He told her he would take her home and one of the workers would drive him back..He asked her about her groceries because the cart was empty..She said she needed a few things. He said he could arrange that and someone would push her around..He was the nicest guy..That could have been your mom or grandmother. THe Winn Dixie Spirit is alive and well ..

It's nice to know that spirit somehow survived the Winn-Dixie bankruptcy filing -- because the stores in Phenix City and Opelika certainly didn't.

So what other leftovers remain from Thanksgiving Day? Let's see....

+ The House of Mercy served holiday meals to about 500 needy people. The Valley Rescue Mission claims it served about 700 people, including mission visitors and shut-ins. There was no word Thursday night from the Salvation Army - so we still don't know if any charity did better than God Bless Fort Benning and S.O.A. Watch.

+ A special Thanksgiving infomercial from Rivertown Ford on WXTX showed "Put-It-On-Sale Mike" eating crow, as he promised he would if Auburn won the Iron Bowl. Mike declared it did NOT taste good - but I noticed he didn't try to bite the dancing turkey even once.

+ Instant Message to WGSY "Sunny 100 FM": Have you checked the TV commercials you're running - or will Reggie Foster and Alan Quin hold reunion shows during December? Besides, Georgia Freight seemed to find someone hotter to take Reggie's place....

Thousands of visitors read this blog every month, in Columbus and around the world. To advertise to them, offer a story tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post your e-mail comment and offer a reply.

BURKARD BULK MAIL INDEX: 4112 (+ 141, 3.6%)

If you mention this blog in public, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-06 Richard Burkard, all rights reserved.