17 NOV 06: YELLOW FEVER

Do you get offers to fill out online surveys? I do all the time - and the other day one of the topics was telephone directories. It asked about old-fashioned phone books. It asked about online services. But I rejected any cookies, to let it steal my computer's address book.

One of the survey's questions asked if I recalled seeing a commercial with yellow airplanes and toothpaste. Yes, I did - but that was several months ago. For all I knew, that airline might be in bankruptcy court by now....

But seriously: the commercial was for YellowBook -- as was the apparent focus of the survey. But the survey reached me a little early, as the latest edition of that phone book only landed on my porch earlier this week. It was the first YellowBook I've ever received - so maybe they were too "yellow" to deliver them in my part of town before.

It's called the YellowBook for a reason - as not only is the cover's color scheme yellow, but the yellow pages are in front of the white pages. Most phone company directories have the white pages first. It's a bit scary when the attorneys get higher priority than real people....

So which new phone book is better - the YellowBook, or the traditional and reliable BellSouth book? Let's compare in some key areas, beginning of course with....

1. LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL. BellSouth shows the Northern All-Stars on the cover, moments after winning the World Series. It's a great collector's item -- as long as you very carefully remove that annoying stick-on ad for Groome Transportation.

YellowBook gives the Northern All-Stars a tribute on page 25, and includes scores and a roster -- but c'mon, behind a map of METRA routes?!

2. COUPONS. YellowBook has plenty of them in the back, for everything from a wide range of restaurants to a paint service. And North Highland Church even offers a "free gift" on your first visit. Do you think it's a thing called salvation?!

On the other hand, BellSouth's "RealSavings Coupons" are terrible. There's only one page, with six coupons from a gutter company. Not one of them offers a free ladder, so the crew doesn't have to visit you so often.

3. GLENWOOD SCHOOL. As we mentioned the other day, BellSouth spells it correctly in the listings this year - six-for-six. YellowBook goes five-for-six, misspelling it as "Glennwood" once in the yellow pages. So maybe BellSouth hired a better proofreader.

(Then again, I know BellSouth has a better proofreader - because YellowBook's coupons include a full page with addresses in "Phoenix." And why you'd need eight coupons for a moving and storage company, I have no idea....)

4. CITY MAPS. This is becoming an annoyance with me, and both books fall short here. The detailed maps in BellSouth's front section cover only three pages, and suggest no one lives south of Cusseta Road or north of Britt David Road. At least they offend both sides of town evenhandedly.

YellowBook claims an edge with eight pages of detailed maps, stretching all the way to Schatulga Road at the east edge of Columbus. They reach north to Weems Road, but end just short of Columbus Park Crossing. It's a wonder Kohl's and Sears have any business at all.

5. ATTORNEY ADS. BellSouth has 16 full pages of ads for lawyers, at the start of that listing in the yellow pages. YellowBook has three - so many people would say they have a better book.

6. COLLEGES. In the front "newcomers" section of the directories, BellSouth mentions Georgia Military College while YellowBook does not. And again this year, neither seems to know Beacon University exists.

7. PUBLISHERS. YellowBook includes "Columbus and the Valley" and "Southern Views" magazines in its periodical listings. BellSouth has neither one. And when did the Republican Assembly of Muscogee County start printing magazines?

8. OUT-OF-TOWNERS. BellSouth has white pages not only for Columbus, but nearby cities such as Cusseta and LaGrange. YellowBook has none of those. That's the way to encourage local tourism....

9. ZIP CODES. YellowBook lists them for all of Georgia and Alabama. BellSouth does not - perhaps hoping you'll make long-distance calls to faraway towns to learn their zip codes, and make the company extra money.

10. MY NAME. It's spelled correctly in both books - but the four-column format of BellSouth puts me five pages ahead of YellowBook. They like me; they really like me....

And if you're nervous at all about YellowBook, let me assure you about one thing. I found NO pictures to match the TV commercial, of a child brushing teeth with yellow toothpaste.

This concludes our Blog Review of Books - so now let's check some more important things from Thursday:

+ The Arby's restaurant on Manchester Expressway was robbed for the second time in a month. Clearly, there are some people in this city who should NOT be "thinking Arby's."

+ Tree damage from Wednesday's storm forced the closure of 13^th Avenue, around the Muscogee County School District's main office. There, you see?! If that office is moved to land next to the main library, there will be no trees in the way of anything.

+ Russell County Superintendent Vivian Carter met with school principals, and revealed she wants to bring about a "cultural alignment." We'll see how many artists she can persuade to move out of the Historic District, and line up on Highway 431....

+ Columbus Police told WRBL they'll have one officer on duty at the SOA Watch event this weekend, for every 130 protesters. This probably won't be necessary at "God Bless Fort Benning" Saturday -- as long as the soldiers show up with their weapons.

+ A delegation from South Korea presented a million-dollar donation to help build the National Infantry Museum. It's the group's way of saying thanks for U.S. assistance in the Korean conflict - and may assure the new museum's theater shows an annual marathon of M*A*S*H episodes.

+ A Macon television station announced it will NOT show the upcoming "If I Did It...." special with O.J. Simpson. I'm hearing there's also pressure on WXTX Fox-54 not to show it -- but hold on a minute. Suppose John Walsh declares if Simpson did it, he's among "America's Most Wanted?"

+ Only two days before the Iron Bowl, Auburn running back Kenny Irons was spotted in Columbus - sitting in line outside a store, to buy a PlayStation 3 game system. What do you think Irons is doing while he's waiting? Studying a playbook? A textbook? Or a contract with an agent?

(How will Kenny Irons explain this to Coach Tommy Tuberville today? Maybe he'll try to say he was "thinking about the game....")

+ The first Georgia rivalry game of the college basketball season found "Tech" stomping "State" 103-74. Georgia Tech has scored 100 points in back-to-back games for the first time ever. As for my beloved Kansas Jayhawks - sigh -- you'd think against Oral Roberts, we might have had a prayer.

+ Instant Message to Mike Patton Auto of LaGrange: Why are you interviewing people about cars outside the Springer Opera House? Did everyone in LaGrange become knowledgeable, after they broke ground for the Kia plant?

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