3 OCT 06: CROSSING PATTERNS

"Are you sure you need a new battery?" a man asked me at the Sears auto center the other day.

"When you need jump starts two Friday mornings in a row," I answered, "I KNOW I need a new battery."

My car battery had shown signs of weakness for several months. But two Friday jumps finally persuaded me to make the drive to Sears at Columbus Park Crossing the other day. I wanted a DieHard battery this time - still believing those commercials I saw as a boy. Only I don't plan to park my car on a frozen Minnesota lake....

I presumed there would be a wait to get the battery changed. So I told the man at Sears, "I promise not to shop at Kohl's." I think he got the joke -- without my explaining that Kohl's doesn't open until this Thursday.

(Well, at least Thursday was what Kohl's said in its commercials. I was surprised to learn on WXTX "News at Ten" Monday night that the new department store actually opened Sunday. If you can't trust the Kohl's grand opening date, should you trust its weekly sale ads?)

The opening of Kohl's shows one big problem with the Columbus Park Crossing complex. It needs shuttle service to get customers between the scattered storefronts -- at times other than December, I mean. I'm probably in the minority of shoppers who actually might walk from Sears to Kohl's, and enjoy the exercise from it.

But on this afternoon, the man at Sears indicated the time for me to walk would NOT be that long. Thanks to the auto service "battery express," my new DieHard should be ready to go in 30 minutes. At Columbus Park Crossing, that's about one lap on the long straightaway from Sears to Circuit City.

It had been some time since I visited Columbus Park Crossing -- so while I took that walk west, I noticed some noteworthy things:

+ The Casual Corner Annex store has closed. This appears to be a big win for Peachtree Mall, which has the original Casual Corner store -- but the Crossing seems to have many more Halloween costumes.

+ Lifeway is selling front-and-center the new book by Robin McGraw, the wife of "Dr. Phil." And this is a "Christian Store?!" She certainly hasn't stopped her husband from using four-letter words on his show.

+ Atlanta Bread seems to be dropping the "Company." Its sign now says "Atlanta Bread Bakery Café" - and I think the café part allows them to compete with Barnes & Noble, selling high-priced coffees.

But some things have NOT changed at Columbus Park Crossing. For instance, I was able to walk into Atlanta Bread to use a restroom - and probably could have walked right out without buying anything. That café wins the prize for the most inattentive staff in town.

I timed everything well to return to Sears in 30 minutes - but when I did, my car was still in the place where I'd parked it. They couldn't possibly have returned it to the same location. And maybe they didn't notice my jumper cables below the back seat, from earlier in the day....

With the wait continuing, I walked around Sears - and heard something beeping every few seconds on the second floor. "How are you doing?" an employee eventually asked me.

"I'm not doing anything," I answered. Perhaps he noticed my hands were up around my head, to show I wasn't a shoplifter.

The employee assured me I shouldn't worry about the beeping - but he never explained exactly what it was, either. There ought to be a better way to sell home security systems than this....

The wait lasted past an hour, so I walked in the other direction from Sears. The Carmike Cinemas 15 seemed to be straining for new movies, based on the posters outside the front door. And why there are show times posted for the Fandango web site, I have no idea....

I spent a few minutes at "hh gregg," which strikes me as a store with few customers because it lacks a real identity. When you sell iPod gear, clothes dryers and golf umbrellas, something isn't quite right here.

Among the items at hh gregg are a collection of high-definition televisions. You simply haven't seen a steel cage professional wrestling match until it's been shown in HDTV.

The "battery express" at Sears finally took my humble Honda into a bay after more than an hour - and 90 minutes after I arrived, I signed the papers for my new battery. "We got smoked all of a sudden," he explained. This was about as "express" as a commercial flight from Columbus to Atlanta.

Then I walked out to drive home, and found my car still in the bay. After standing behind a steel barricade a few more minutes, the original auto service man walked by. "You're good to go," he told me.

"But you have rules," I said, "and I can't cross this line. It's a liability thing, and you have insurance issues."

"It's OK," the employee assured me. It wouldn't be at almost any other auto shop in Columbus - so maybe he was making up for all those lost minutes at hh gregg.

E-MAIL UPDATE: This Columbus area weather report is sponsored by no one, because it's really two days late:

Ooopps

I totally forgot the weather forecast for the next 10 days had no rain in it, my fault for the rain shower this morning, guess we need some sin cleansing today

I noticed rain on the asphalt in my neighborhood Sunday morning as well. And the weather forecasters will thank you for taking their blame for them.

Now let's blow-dry the interiors of our cars, while sending some Instant Messages -- and the first one relates to a church service about sin cleansing:

+ To my Pastor: Since October is Pastor Appreciation Month, thank you for the fascinating things you teach us in your sermons. Such as Monday's Atonement message - teaching if we're ever confronted by someone with a knife AND someone with a gun, you take the person with the knife out first. [True!]

+ To Kia: How much pressure did Governor Sonny Perdue put on you to set October 20 as the groundbreaking date in West Point? Because I'm sure he didn't want it on November 20 - after Election Day....

+ To all single men in Columbus and Fort Benning: Let's make one thing clear right now. Just because it's "Hands On Columbus" week does NOT mean you have permission to touch the dancers at Victory Drive clubs.

+ To Falcons Tattoos: About your new location in the 800 block of Veterans Parkway - is that to attract the people at the Greyhound station across the street? Or at Democratic Headquarters down on the corner?

+ To the person who put a "Pops Barnes for Council" yard sign outside his house near 4^th and Broadway: Pardon my bringing this up - but aren't you really in Mimi Woodson's district, not Nathan Suber's?

+ To the new Optical Shop on the 280 Bypass in Phenix City: Are you kidding - you sell Pepsi brand eyeglass frames? Do they come in diet, and caffeine free options?

+ To the Morehouse College football team: I saw on WRBL's web site you visited Doctors Hospital Monday. But shouldn't you have promised to put Tuskegee players in a few days, instead of your own head coach?

+ To the person who e-mailed me about Monday's Amish schoolhouse shooting in Pennsylvania: Yes, it IS a sad statement about this world. But if you possibly think I'm going to joke about that - well, maybe you should buy satellite radio and listen to Opie and Anthony.

COMING WEDNESDAY: Slight of hand, with at least one card....

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