19 DEC 05: WHO MOVED MY CHRIST?

The report was both troubling and unusual. The main figure in a Christmas display had disappeared, and no one could find him. And there were NO sightings of ugly green creatures pushing trees off a cliff....

BLOG EXCLUSIVE: This is the true story of a weekend search for the truth. It began with a report that a Jesus figure vanished from a seasonal church display. Without my even planning it, I became a C.S.I. - a Christmas Scene Investigator.

The mystery developed at First Baptist Church of Warm Springs. A source connected with the church told your blog that Jesus was missing from the Christmas display. Who would take such a thing? Was someone who insists on saying "Happy Holidays" getting some sort of revenge?

There have been scattered reports across the country this month of Jesus figures being swiped from nativity scenes. The people who do this must not read their Bibles carefully - because Jesus DID support the "thou shalt not steal" commandment.

On the other hand, I wondered, could a "Jesus-napping" be a church stunt? During my college years, a public relations class "kidnapped" one of the university mascots for several weeks - and it was a class project! Was the church board trying to gain a free appearance on The 700 Club, to get more members?

Our search for the truth began by calling law enforcement offices. If Jesus was stolen, surely the church would have reported it. Maybe the kidnapper in Warm Springs would be convicted - and drop the baby in the lap of a Franklin Roosevelt statue.

The Meriwether County Sheriff's Office knew nothing of the missing Jesus Saturday night. Nor did the Warm Springs Police officer who answered the phone Sunday morning. But the Chief would be back in the office Monday - so like church members, he was pushing this on to The Man Upstairs.

It became apparent if I wanted to get to the bottom of this story, I'd have to call First Baptist Church of Warm Springs directly. But what would I find there? Would members be in agony because Jesus was missing? Would they offer to swap two donkeys and three head of cattle from the nativity scene, for one Christ?

(Then again, would this church even answer the phone on a Sunday morning? Some congregations have everyone in the sanctuary at worship time - and if you call at 11:00 a.m. seeking help, you might think everyone has been raptured away.)

I dialed First Baptist Church of Warm Springs around 10:30 a.m. Sunday, and there was plenty of noise in the background when a woman answered the phone. So there were several suspects on the scene. All we had to do was find the one with the tiniest diaper.

"I don't know anything about it," said the woman who answered the phone. "I'm just helping with our church school." So at least First Baptist of Warm Springs is one church where gossiping is NOT a problem....

The woman asked me to wait a moment - and then a man named Wynn Self came to the phone. "I'm trying to confirm a report," I told him, "that you've had a theft from your Christmas display."

"A theft?" he replied.

"That your Jesus is missing." I wasn't quite dramatic and breathy enough to be C.S.I. Miami's David Caruso, but I'm working on that.

Wynn Self then understood what I meant. "Well yes, Jesus was missing -- but he's back now. We found Jesus!!" It was all this online journalist could do not to respond with a hallelujah.

No, Wynn Self explained, Jesus was NOT stolen from the Warm Springs First Baptist Christmas display. The figure simply was misplaced for a few days. "They found him in a closet or something," he said. Amazing - homosexuals come out of the closet, while this Jesus gets buried in one.

For the Christmas keepers at First Baptist Church of Warm Springs, this story has a happy ending. For those of you who don't keep Christmas, you may scoff at all this fuss. But consider this: could you play chess without two kings on the board? Churches like this one do it 11 months of the year - and only bring their King out in December.

With that speculation resolved, let's check some things which really HAVE occurred in recent days....

+ The Opelika-Auburn News revealed 60 Auburn police officers have voided traffic tickets in the last couple of years. So far, only one has been suspended and indicted for ticket-fixing. The city had better hurry to hire a new police force, before college students return for spring semester.

(A list of voided tickets on the Opelika-Auburn News web site shows a speeding ticket was canceled last May for the wife of Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville. But maybe she had a good explanation -- like Bobby Lowder cutting her off on a highway.)

+ The Columbus RiverCenter hosted a concert by the "Blind Boys of Alabama." For those of you who aren't familiar with gospel music - no, this was NOT the grand jury in Birmingham which keeps indicting Don Siegelman.

+ Davis Broadcasting held its annual "Radiothon" toy giveaway at the Columbus Civic Center. But what was that title WRBL put on the screen - calling Michael Soul of Foxie 105 a "volunteer?" That's going to start the job rumors all over again.

+ Sportscaster Kirsten Olesen and her fiancé left Columbus, moving to Fort Myers, Florida. Their departure seems to leave this blog as the second-oldest in Columbus - and some local bloggers who haven't posted anything in two months risk being given up for dead.

+ A Waffle House employee in McDonough, Georgia was charged with daring an allegedly drunk and homeless man to down a bottle of cleaning fluid for five dollars. This is why some of us were unhappy to see "Fear Factor" come back to prime-time TV....

+ The Atlanta Falcons lost to the Bears in bone-chilling Chicago 16-3. Who was the smart aleck in the National Football League office who decided to schedule a home game in Chicago in mid-December - at NIGHT? Does this guy have a second job, researching global warming?

(The Bears radio broadcast on WBBM caught one Chicago defender writing on a board during the game: "The weather is much better in Hawaii." It's nice to see players looking ahead - beyond their team in the Super Bowl, to their own incentives for being in the Pro Bowl.)

BLOG YEAR-IN-REVIEW: We'll spend the next few days reflecting on highlights (and maybe some low ones) from Columbus in 2005. The year began with a large civil rights march downtown, featuring Jesse Jackson. It seems police learned a valuable lesson that day - because I haven't seen an officer eat a banana since.

There actually were two marches, as supporters of former deputy David Glisson held one downtown first. That group has NOT been heard from since - and I never realized so many people could hide behind attorney Richard Haglar.

But even before that, the first week of January marked the grand opening of the Columbus Public Library on Macon Road. Since then, we've heard complaints about street signs that are too small, a proposed sculpture that's too big - why, it's enough to make parents check out storybooks about the Three Bears.

A new Home Depot store opened during January along U.S. 280 in Phenix City. Residents of Midland will be stunned to learn Wal-Mart has NOT driven it out of business yet.

January meant a new Marshal in Muscogee County, as Greg Countryman replaced Ken Suddeth. So did the new Marshal reclaim all the honorary badges the old one gave out? Are any of them on sale at the Lee County Flea Market, along with drugs?

January also meant a change at the top of the Columbus NAACP. Bill Madison became President - and apparently is paid so much money in the position that he sold his hearse, which used to be covered with protest statements.

Apparently unrelated to this, the Muscogee County Humane Society held a "blackout adoption event" in January - and we caused a stir by questioning if it was appropriate in a racially tense city. Maybe next time, the Humane Society should simply give away animals in the dark.

Georgia's Department of Education put all Muscogee County Schools on its "needs improvement" list in January. So how has the school board responded to this? Oh yeah - they made Charles Flowers a district-wide athletic director.

AFLAC announced during January it would donate one million dollars to build a national memorial to Martin Luther King, Junior in Washington. Yet we're still waiting for the company to spend $1,000 to put a bust of Dr. King on the Riverwalk, next to John Amos.

Auburn played in the Sugar Bowl in early January, and finished a perfect season. This was so stunning a development that not one college football game has been played in the New Orleans Superdome since.

January also found the Columbus Riverdragons basketball team on a record winning streak. Of course, this was followed only months later by another record-breaking streak - the fastest move by a team out of town.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: The year-in-review will continue over the next several days....)

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