6 NOV 05: I'M WITH STUPID

The yard signs must bring a wide range of reactions. One says "STUPID IS." The next one says "WHAT STUPID DOES." Drivers who know their movies probably say at that point, "You're so stupid, you don't know the line is AS stupid does."

But the point of the signs is NOT to promote the movie "Forrest Gump." Ben Billings bought the signs and posted them at Warm Springs and Schomberg Roads, in an effort to stop speeding. If people have to slow down to read the signs, I suppose that's a start....

There actually are three signs in a sequence on Warm Springs Road. After the first two with "STUPID" on them, the third one says: "How fast are you driving?" I've come across drivers who would put those three signs together, and accuse me of going too slowly.

Some workers in the Warm Springs Road area agree with the yard signs, saying speeders are putting children at Blackmon Road Middle School in danger. Maybe that's why I saw a crossing guard outside Wynnton Elementary Friday afternoon - stopping cars so a grown-up could cross Wynnton Road. [True!]

Ben Billings posted the signs because of a recent wreck on Warm Springs Road, which left a grandfather dead. It's a very different strategy from the crosses posted along U.S. 280 and U.S. 431 in East Alabama - almost enough to make you wonder if Billings is agnostic.

Ben Billings admits he's had a mix of responses to his three signs on Warm Springs Road. While some people support what he's doing, others say, "You're not going to tell me how to drive." These are the NASCAR wanna-bes - who forget NASCAR has rules, such as pit lane speeds and engine size.

Ben Billings wants people to slow down, and he says the signs have worked to do it. He explains he wants drivers to "draw attention to themselves with a little humor." This statement gives me mixed emotions - because that's sort of my idea here, and drivers might try to imitate me.

Ben Billings plans to leave the "stupid" signs up along Warm Springs Road for a few days, then move them to another part of Columbus. I can think of one good place to put them -- but drivers on the J.R. Allen Parkway might zip by them too fast to notice.

The word "stupid" may seem like an "in-your-face" insult word to some people -- but it really isn't to me. I've come to realize I'm stupid about some things. For instance, don't ask me to count from one to ten in Swahili....

One of the most memorable quotes I heard in college was from an instructor in a radio programming course. In his words: "People by and large are dumb." It took me about 20 years to figure out I was one of the people he was talking about.

Perhaps it's only fitting that we explore being stupid only a couple of days after a survey rated the smartest and "dumbest" states in the country [4 Nov]. We can all be smart or dumb, depending on what area is being discussed. And I suppose the truly smart people never reveal their areas of dumbness - so they at least look best.

SPAM-A-RAMA: As of Saturday night, my Yahoo e-mail box had more than 3,000 "bulk mail" messages. In other words, I have more than 3,000 items of spam. That's what happens when you have the same address for about ten years....

One of those bulk mails the other day had a thought-provoking title: "POETRY WEEKLY offers bonus from PartyPoker." So poetry and poker are connected?! I mean, other than being on the same page of some dictionaries?

Maybe this promotion means Poetry Weekly is offering poems about poker. I can come up with some of my own:

There was a young man in a rush,

Who found himself dealt a spade flush.

When he hurriedly bet,

A surprise he did get.

Four aces, and a kick in the tush.

What, you want one more? OK, one more....

I saw a man play Texas Hold 'em.

He didn't know quite when to fold 'em.

He came to Vegas with two cars.

Now there's none - he lost, and sold 'em.

That's enough free verse. Let's wrap up items from a fabulous November weekend:

+ Which Columbus-area blogger is comparing WRCG's Robbie Watson to "a knee-jerk fascist?" Could it be that Watson hasn't quoted from that blog on TalkLine in a while?

+ My pastor at church declared Las Vegas, San Francisco and the country of Haiti are places "where Satan works." If you'd like your workplace or neighbor to be mentioned during next weekend's sermon, e-mail me and I'll pass it on.

+ WXTX "News at Ten" showed a Talbot County recreation center with loose gym flooring, toilets which don't work, and bats in the ceiling. At this point, residents would be satisfied if those were baseball bats in the ceiling....

+ Columbus native Gregory Hartley appeared at Books-a-Million to sign copies of his new book, "How to Spot a Liar." Can we hire Hartley on a part-time basis next year, to attend election-year speeches and debates?

(Gregory Hartley says he has experience in spotting liars, from years of intelligence work at Fort Benning. He probably has to wear sunglasses to hide his identity, when he goes shopping for a car.)

+ Albany State stopped Fort Valley State 41-23 in the Fountain City Classic. This football game attracted so many fans that I found cars parked on the grass west of the Civic Center - and I think the Columbus Catfish missed a chance for some fast money, letting VIP's park on the Golden Park infield.

+ Instant Message to the young woman who approached me on South Lumpkin Road with boxes of donuts: I hope you understood my logic. I don't go to Krispy Kreme to buy laundry soap, so why should I buy Krispy Kremes at a laundromat?

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $2.12 a gallon at Spectrum, Wynnton Road and Brown Avenue (as of Friday afternoon).... FREE admission to Callaway Gardens Sunday.... and probably all sorts of free cans for beggars to recycle for cash, at McClung Memorial Stadium....

SCHEDULED MONDAY: What a big bottle of malt liquor and church offerings have in common....

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