14 NOV 05: DOWN ON THE CORNER
"This is a lot tougher than it looks," a man told me from his U.S. flag-designed folding chair Sunday afternoon.
So what could be so tough about sitting on the sidewalk, holding a giant sign for hours? "People driving by, telling you to get off your a** and get a job."
Well, hold on here - that IS his job. In fact, Carlton earns more than minimum wage to sit at the corner of Veterans Parkway and River Road holding a big Pearce Furniture sign. What do you want him to do instead - sit at a security desk for hours, holding nothing?
You may have seen the old stereotype in cartoons, of people walking around with signs warning "the end is near." This actually happens in Columbus every so often, and it's happening right now. Only here, "the end" refers to furniture stores going out of business.
"You remember the gas wars?" a man named Buddy said at a corner farther up River Road. "We've got a little furniture battle going." It's the Pearce Furniture "retirement liquidation sale" versus the Rhodes Furniture "bankruptcy sale." And so far, the Stone Furniture tank hasn't fired on either one of them.
Buddy wasn't actually holding a Pearce Furniture sign at River Road and Manchester Expressway. He found a way to lean his big sign against a steel power pole, while he walked away for a couple of minutes. Is there a pay deduction for that?
The question never occurred to me - and perhaps it was better than way. "You're asking too many questions," Buddy said after I wondered if the sign-holding job paid well. He probably had a good point. I don't ask Popeye's Chicken employees across the street how much they make.
Buddy planned to put in a full day, holding the big sign at his corner - from roughly 10:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. I don't know if someone comes by, to check whether he's on duty. Maybe that explains the vehicles with Pearce Furniture signs, which I saw on my Sunday journey. It might be a little like a cult....
Buddy says he's retired. He apparently took this job because he's a friend of the Pearce Furniture family. He was the only one of the three sign-holders we met who offered a card for the business, and tried to tell us about the sale. But no, he didn't sing like that Rhodes Furniture guy wearing a poncho.
Buddy was highly recommended to me by Carlton, back at "the Vet and the River." As Carlton put it: "He'll give you ANOTHER earful." Well, unless his ears start aching from the questions I'm asking....
"Do you work for the government?" Carlton asked me several times. No, I don't. Internal Revenue Service agents don't normally make personal trips to job sites, and demand their share up front.
"The government won't let us stand on the street corner during the week," Carlton complained. "Is America turning into Communism?" I never realized a police crackdown on loitering would have such deep political overtones.
Carlton says sign-holding jobs on weekends provide an income for disabled people such as himself. He called himself a "painter by trade," who's unable to do that anymore. At least this painter isn't dried out and cracked up completely....
Carlton added the job of holding signs provides income for homeless people. "The government isn't doing anything for us," going on to complain about President Bush spending money on sending soldiers to die in Iraq. This man could make money next weekend sitting at the S.O.A. Watch protest.
"I'm no dumb m*****r f****r," Carlton said matter-of-factly. OK already, he's not - but it took several attempts for me to explain why I was talking to him for this web site. Was that a bit of alcohol I smelled from Carlton's breath? How could that be on a Sunday afternoon, since he was in Columbus and not Phenix City?
I asked Carlton if he was homeless, and I thought he said he was. But as I left, he gave me an address and asked me to mail him a copy of this blog entry - and if he's accurate, he seems to live several blocks north of the Valley Rescue Mission.
There's one sign-holder you haven't met yet, and I actually chatted with him first. Mike had a prime downtown spot, at 13th and Veterans Parkway -- but he only planned to work from about 12:00 noon to 4:00 p.m. Sunday's Falcons game was scheduled perfectly for him....
Mike says he "cleans house" during the week, while his wife works. So he takes jobs holding signs for Pearce Furniture at about seven dollars an hour to get out of the house -- and in a few weeks, he may be able to buy a dining room set that's easier to clean.
About that battle: Rhodes Furniture has its own platoon of sign-holders on Columbus corners. I saw them Saturday, but couldn't find any during my Sunday drive. They weren't even outside the Columbus Public Library, not far from the store on Macon Road - and a place where the furniture seemed to cost much more.
So if you think all those people holding advertising signs around town are homeless bums with nothing else to do, think again. They have a range of backgrounds, they get paid in something other than food - and they just could be the last line of defense from Communism, this side of Fort Benning.
By the way: I interviewed these sign-holders before checking the front-page story in Sunday's Ledger-Enquirer. Yes, there are a few homeless people who sleep near the Chattahoochee River -- but I didn't see any of THEM holding furniture signs on the Riverwalk this weekend.
SONG OF THE DAY: Kyle Busch won Sunday's NASCAR race in Phoenix - but I was struck by an NBC pit reporter's comment that one racer was moving "slowly and carefully" through the field. Assuming it's points leader Tony Stewart (you may substitute any driver you wish), we can change an old hymn about "softly and tenderly" into....
Slowly and carefully, Stewart is coming -
Coming toward you and toward me.
Look in the rear-view mirror now! He is gaining -
Gaining on you and on me.
Go low, go low....
Take the inside and drive low!
He might still win with some beating and bashing.
Make him pass high, and drive low!
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