21 NOV 05: THE TRIP TO BEND

"Yayyyy!" a woman said cheering my arrival Sunday afternoon. I'd never received a more enthusiastic welcome outside a Piggly Wiggly store in my life.

Well, actually I parked at the far end of the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on the 280 Bypass in Phenix City. That's where the "Drive Against Prostate Cancer" van was set up. Compared with the "Ultimate Drive" against cancer earlier in the year, this was disappointing -- because no one allowed me to drive the van.

The woman sitting at a table outside the van was happy to see anyone, because a strong rain was coming down. Staff members said the turnout was good before the afternoon storm started -- and before the Atlanta-Tampa Bay football game became too good to stop watching on TV.

(Yes, the woman was shielded from the storm by an overhang. So she was NOT cheering me because she needed a ride home - and with my luck, she probably already is married.)

The Tidwell Cancer Treatment Center arranged for the prostate cancer van to visit the area for the weekend. It was set up at "God Bless Fort Benning" Saturday, then moved to Phenix City Sunday -- but I didn't bother to ask how many SOA Watch protesters stopped by instead of going to the procession.

The van offered men two free tests. One was a Digital Rectal Exam, or DRE - and if this is where Dr. Dre got his name, he has some serious explaining to do.

The other test was a "Prostate Specific Antigen," where someone takes a blood sample to be analyzed. A fact sheet I was given warns too much PSA could be a sign of prostate trouble. But the doctor on duty noted the test could have "false positives" or "false negatives" - which could be a sign of lab trouble.

As usual with these free exams, there was plenty of paperwork to fill out. One of them was a pledge card, promising to be screened for prostate cancer every year. As long as this van shows up and it's offered for free, we've got a deal.

As I filled out the paperwork, several staff members inside the van talked about nothing in particular. "Horses are my addiction - I mean, hobby," a woman said at one point.

"Sometimes horses CAN be an addiction, you know," I told the woman. "Like if you're at a track, gambling on them."

I was the only patient in the lab - so when the paperwork was finished, I was invited to an examination room at the back of the van. Dr. Mark Taylor took charge, asking me to take down my pants and underwear for a check. I changed my shirt and shoes before making this visit, but I never thought about other clothing.

"Bend over," Dr. Taylor said - so I grabbed the side of the examination table, and almost put my face on it so he could feel around my (ahem) derriere. No, I had NO dirty thoughts at that moment. I've never been to that sort of club, thank you....

"Your prostate seems fine," Dr. Taylor assured me after a few seconds. I should have asked him if I could return the favor, to get an idea of how to do self-examinations.

It'll be six to eight weeks before I'm mailed the results of the blood test - but it was good to make this trip, and be reassured about my health. No one should live like the words of that old hymn: "Let angels' prostates fall." Well, it goes SOMETHING like that....

BLOG UPDATE: Sunday's crowd of protesters outside the main gate of Fort Benning reportedly was the largest yet - and probably was the loudest yet. Last November I heard the procession on Buena Vista Road. This year I heard it faintly atPacelli High School - which amazingly was NOT used as a base camp.

SOA Watch estimated late Sunday 19,000 people gathered to protest the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation. One evening newscast put the number at 15,000. Now "God Bless Fort Benning" organizers can announce they had 20,000 people Saturday, and claim victory.

The protest moved Sunday night to the Muscogee County Jail, where at least 41 people were held for trespassing onto Fort Benning. The crowd outside the jail was much smaller - perhaps because the big crowd didn't get the surprise guest appearance they wanted from Martin Sheen.

We should note only 41 people were arrested for trespassing. That means at least 99.7 percent of the SOA Watch protesters did NOT break the law, and apparently none tried to use other Fort Benning entrances. So this was a case of obedient civil disobedience....

One woman in the SOA Watch crowd explained the protesters are NOT against Fort Benning's soldiers. She said the demonstrators were remembering the victims of military leaders trained at the old "School of the Americas." So one of these years, shouldn't they hold a march in Venezuela or Colombia?

SOA Watch founder Roy Bourgeois told reporters by training Latin American "assassins" in how to use weapons, there's "an issue of complicity" with WHINSEC. Based on this logic, hundreds of driving teachers should be arrested when people are cited for DUI crashes.

An official with WHINSEC took issue with Roy Bourgeois's complaints about the former School of the Americas. He explained the institute helps "educate professional people in professional skills...." So it's a lot like Columbus Tech - or for critics, a lot like the Mafia.

So where were the Fort Benning military helicopters Sunday? They didn't fly over the SOA Watch crowd, the way they did at God Bless Fort Benning - and the Army needs all the training it can get in psychological operations.

The SOA Watch event brought people to Columbus from all parts of the country. I met a family on the Riverwalk Friday afternoon, which came here for the protest from Boston. There's nothing like anger against Latin American assassins to build family togetherness.

"Why are you against the School of the Americas?" I asked a young woman in the family who wore a Boston College sweatshirt.

"No, I'm covering it for the campus newspaper," she answered. Apparently they don't hold Boston Tea Party protests the way they once did.

The young journalist revealed Boston College paid part of the cost for 110 students to attend SOA Watch weekend last year - but this year the college paid for only 50 students. Either the campus budget is tighter, or more students will get low-priced trips to B.C.'s bowl game.

The family asked me to take pictures of them on the Riverwalk, and I was happy to do so. Some of you will be disappointed to learn I did NOT ask for prints, to turn in to the Fort Benning military police.

E-MAIL UPDATE: We've been pondering the sighting of an attractive woman at Houlihan's restaurant downtown. Our latest asking of the musical question "Who's that lady?" [17 Nov] brought this update:

Richard,

She's not married, and I'm sorry to tell you but someone else has already swooped in and stolen her heart. Isn't that always the way?

Better luck next time!

Elizabeth

Maybe that's my problem - I don't know how to swoop.

My parents never taught me about swooping growing up. My older brother is four inches taller than I am, so swooping was easy for him. And I can't really seek expert guidance anymore - now that basketball star Sheryl Swoopes has come out of the closet.

Now from swooping to sweeping, as we clean out Sunday subjects:

+ Georgia Public Broadcasting radio recorded a "Cover to Cover" book program at the Columbus Public Library. This took place after closing time, so the audience had to enter through a side door - and no one could go upstairs, to see if the guest author was lying about what she wrote.

+ The Atlanta Falcons lost a tough game to Tampa Bay 30-27. Both Falcon quarterbacks had critical fumbles -- which makes me wonder why baseball pitchers are allowed to have rosin bags, while quarterbacks aren't.

+ Georgia football coach Mark Richt explained on his TV show why he gambled on fourth down several times against Kentucky: "I was tired of punting...." So learn from this example - and if you're tired of driving to work every day, walk to work instead.

+ Instant Message to whomever included this blog in the Wikipedia entry for Columbus: Thank you -- what a nice surprise! But are you sure about that listing of Mayor Bob Poydasheff as a "famous Columbus native?" One live appearance with Lou Dobbs on CNN does NOT "famous" make.

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.99 a gallon at Spectrum, Wynnton Road and Brown Avenue.... milk for $1.49 a half-gallon at Walgreens.... and FREE water from the heavens Monday; simply set out your buckets....

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