27 JUL 05: I'M STILL STANDING

I loaded my bag Tuesday with all sorts of things - a checkbook, my birth certificate, the official blog camera and more. Several important stops awaited me, including two at opposite corners of Columbus. People who think this is a small town never have driven from Psalmond Road to the Government Center on a weekday.

The first errand of the day took me up Wynn Hill. I'm sad to report they've removed the Chick-fil-A cows from the billboard at Wynnton and Buena Vista. They've been replaced by "Duke and the Doctor" - so the AFLAC duck has an even more tempting target.

After a banking transaction, it was on to the Columbus Department of Motor Vehicles office - the one located on Macon Road near Lynch Road, at the northeast edge of town. It's the closest I've ever been to Talbot County. And based on the grumbling about the school board, I'm not sure I ever want to step inside.

I've never quite understood why the Department of Motor Vehicles office is so far out in the Columbus countryside. In fact, a recent community assessment noted a lack of bus service to the D.M.V. hinders some low-income people. But then again, the staff IS encouraging people to drive - and spend money with them for the privilege.

It was about 1:15 p.m. when I arrived at the D.M.V.S. In most states, the Department of Motor Vehicles is shortened to the D.M.V. In Georgia the staff adds an S to their shirts - but I'm not sure any of the visitors consider them Supermen.

It was time to renew my driver's license at the D.M.V. - and I made special preparations. For starters, I shaved before I left home. My last license picture showed me with a moustache - and single women didn't seem impressed when I showed them either option.

I'd received a notice in the mail about drivers' licenses back in May, but somehow I misplaced it. The Georgia rules for renewals changed July 1, to "improve customer service." Since when in 2005 does ending the acceptance of checks and credit cards improve customer service?

Thankfully I withdrew $25 at the bank, so I could pay for a new five-year drivers' license. But first I had to deal with the crowd of people at the office. Either many of them took a long lunch hour, or the northeast corner of Columbus needs an air-conditioned recreation center badly.

The crowds apparently grow so big that people's waiting room slip numbers are broadcast outside the building. Travelers driving down Macon Road might mistakenly think the D.M.V. is Columbus's idea of a theme park.

Inside the D.M.V. building, you'll find framed pictures of Governor Sonny Perdue and Lieutenant Governor Mark Taylor. Taylor's picture is autographed from 1999. Perdue's is not - so maybe he's writing off Muscogee County in next year's race as well.

At first it appeared all would go smoothly. After only a few minutes in line I was given number A050. A few minutes later my number was called to step to another window. If only the Georgia lottery worked this smoothly....

Little had changed for my drivers' license since my last D.M.V. trip four years ago. The name and address were the same, but my weight actually dropped a little from 2001. It pays to skip breakfast when you go to this office.

"Organ donor?" asked the man behind window 4.

"Yes," I answered -- but then clarified. "Not right now, though."

"You're keeping them in your body?" the man asked. OK, call me selfish....

"Do you want to donate a dollar, to research blindness?" I turned down the offer - because baseball managers still would argue umpires have that problem.

I offered the staff my birth certificate, but was told that wasn't necessary. It's been discussed as an added drivers' license requirement, for security reasons. Imagine the staff members laughing over cute footprints, at the end of a long day.

But then came a moment of confusion. The man apparently told me quietly to wait out in the lobby "and they'll call you." I thought he said to wait next to the man in blue, standing not far away. That was a big mistake, as I didn't sit down for an hour - and they apparently don't offer disability discounts.

There wouldn't have been much in the way of entertainment in the lobby. A TV monitor which showed Turner Broadcasting channels four years ago was missing Tuesday. It was either bring your own magazine (I didn't), or see if the crowd topped the attendance at Riverdragons games.

So I presumed my name was coming up soon, and joined a line at the east edge of the D.M.V. work area. All walks of life show up there for drivers' licenses. I saw a Fort Benning soldier, mothers with their children, a man in a wheelchair with only half his left leg - and someone wearing a Yale T-shirt who HAD to be a Brookstone student.

The trouble came went I reached the front of the line for picture-taking - and several people behind me were called by name, while I was not. The courteous side of me stood quietly and waited. Other people might have threatened a discrimination lawsuit on the spot.

Boomer 95.3 FM was playing oldies while I waited in line. They played "Stand By Me" -- but people kept walking past me for picture-taking, anyway.

After about 20 minutes of waiting, I moved away from the line and went down into a crouch. Maybe the D.M.V. staff recognized my name from this blog, and put me on a "watch list" or something....

But then a staff member came to the lobby door and explained everything. She called my name, along with a woman in the same situation - and NOW it was time to get in line for a drivers' license. It's a good thing they don't make drivers take hearing tests.

"Are you Richard?" asked the woman behind counter 2 as I approached the front of the line a second time. I nodded. "Finally?!" Her words, not mine....

Before the picture came the fingerprint scans, of my left and right index finger. For some reason, there's a snack machine in the D.M.V. lobby - so people could walk to this counter with corn chip grease on their hands and totally throw off police.

You also have to sign an autograph, which becomes part of the drivers' license. But I fouled it up twice, because my little finger kept moving the piece of paper out of line. No sticky fingers in this climate-controlled office....

At last came the big moment - the snapshot for my drivers' license. I made sure I smiled for the camera. But I stopped short of a goofy grin, because a cashier at a store might laugh so hard she'd mistakenly charge me more.

There was one last wait of a couple of minutes while the license was prepared in the D.M.V. machinery. A man receiving his license before mine left saying, "See you later." Yeah, right - let's make an appointment now, and "do it again in 2010."

It took about 75 minutes from the time I arrived to receive my new drivers' license. Maybe I should show up at mid-morning, or late in the day. Maybe next time I should renew my license online -- but I'd probably have to take my own picture, and how much messier would that be?

Armed with my new drivers' license, the next step was to renew my car tag -- and you have to drive to the Government Center to do that in person. Why aren't these things in one centralized location? Certainly Bill Heard Chevrolet would volunteer, to offer true "one-stop shopping."

The crowd wasn't nearly as bad for a car tag - stretching two lengths across the office at the Government Center. This place actually had working television, and showed CNBC's "Closing Bell." Come to think of it, is there a reason why the city Government Access Channel never seems to be on there?

A little boy ran back and forth across the open space near the tag windows. It turned out someone in an army uniform allowed his child to do that - someone perhaps dreaming of doing the very same thing to celebrate being discharged.

The line of people at the tag office included one rather familiar face - Bill Bell from the "Energy Savers" commercials. So THIS is where he hides to avoid summer service calls....

The wait was only about 15 minutes to reach the tag window - and I laid it all out for the woman behind the counter. "I have my insurance. I have my application. I have my new drivers' license - you're the first person to see it. I have my Kroger-Plus card, if that'll get me a discount...."

"You just made my day," the woman behind the window said with a laugh when I showed her the Kroger discount card. "I wish we had them here." I always carry that card, because in the past I forgot it on some trips to Opelika. Without that card, you might as well shop the gourmet aisles at Publix.

"I forgot, we don't have Kroger here," I said continuing my routine. "But I have a Winn-Dixie card." Maybe that's why the tag office has a "dealer window" - so you can negotiate these things.

It wound up taking 30 minutes longer than expected for this doubleheader - but at least the car paperwork is now completed for awhile. Now if I can figure out why the car's air conditioner doesn't want to spit out cool air until after 8:00 p.m. right now....

E-MAIL UPDATE: We have blog readers all over the place - maybe even in Tennessee:

Mr. Blog,

I have got to say I used to be an avid reader of your blog. Mainly because I worked at WRBL. But I've been up in Nashville for a year and a half now. Just thought I would pass my blog link to you... Enjoy!

You've got a hot blog...needs more mustard though.

Stephen

Thank you, Stephen - I think. Wait long enough, and you might find the blog color scheme changes to mustard yellow.

"The News from Nashville" feels suspiciously like this blog -- with a humorous look at events in Tennessee's capital. But if it doesn't posting the weekly guest lineup for the Grand Ole Opry, can you REALLY call it "News" from Nashville?

Now let's check the news from Columbus (and other places) on Tuesday:

+ Deputy City Manager Richard Bishop announced he's resigning to become President of Uptown Columbus Inc. Good for him - now he'll get to hear business owners on Broadway complain about "Streetscapes" construction every day.

(Richard Bishop has worked with the Columbus city government 31 years. Now he'll try to promote the clubs and restaurants of Broadway - so I guess we can score this as "Night Takes Bishop.")

+ Two Columbus police officers were cleared of wrongdoing, in the beanbag killing of a man in April. But one question remains unanswered - do they get promoted to Tasers or not?

+ The Muscogee County School District announced five grade schools will open two weeks late next month, due to construction. One of them is River Road Elementary - where after the weather of the last several weeks, I wouldn't be surprised if they're putting the school a few feet higher.

+ The Columbus "heat index" was 100 degrees F. - at 10:00 p.m.! If it stays this hot, I'm going to take a bag of popcorn to my car and see if it pops.

+ The Atlanta Falcons opened training camp with pads, in the heat of Flowery Branch. For all the Home Depot resources Arthur Blank has, you'd think the team owner could built a dome over the practice field.

(The Falcons took special care with their top player in the heat - constantly checking Michael Vick, to make sure he wasn't melting.)

+ Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville was named head coach of the East team for next January's Hula Bowl. This is a major step for Tuberville - as he's daring to leave the mainland, while Bobby Lowder is still an Auburn Trustee.

+ Instant Message to everyone wondering why Columbus doesn't open a "cooling shelter" from the heat: The city just built a big $50 million shelter especially for you. It's called the Columbus Public Library.

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