18 JUL 05: FOOT FAULTS
The last few days have been so busy with news and other things, I've failed to mention my visit to "Summerfest" at the Liberty Theater. I went there ten days ago - which means I still might post this before the Columbus Times publishes an article about it.
One big thing has changed since my last trip to Summerfest two years ago. The program was held this year in a side room of the Liberty Theater, and NOT in the main theater. I'm not sure if the main hall was in use for a show, or the organizers didn't get the United Way donation they were expecting for rent.
The side room was full of people and energy. Summerfest promised free food, and there was -- with hot dogs, canned soda and whole mid-sized watermelons. I tend to stay away from that last item. I've heard the warnings about melon-oma....
Several business and agencies had tables set up at Summerfest. The one which intrigued me most offered something I'd never seen before -- a "foot leveler." It sounded perfect for someone overcoming an addiction to ballet.
A Columbus chiropractor offered people the opportunity to step onto the foot leveler. The device supposedly is designed to see if anything is wrong with your feet. Why this isn't offered by Dr. Scholl's, I have no idea....
To step onto the foot leveler, I had to take off my shoes and socks. So it's like a weigh-in -- only doctors and nurses aren't dropping their jaws in disbelief at how obese you are.
"Look straight ahead," said the woman overseeing the foot leveler. With one of my bare feet flat on a panel of glass, she turned on the machine for about 30 or 40 seconds. I had no way of knowing what the device would do. There might have been a hidden camera looking up my shorts.
I then switched feet, so both would have time on the foot leveler. It was placed so I couldn't turn left toward the woman overseeing the machine, or right to check the Summerfest lectern. How can I work on fresh jokes without an audience?
The time came to step down from the foot leveler, and the woman showed me a display on a computer screen. My feet were in a rainbow of colors -- and I didn't even have to visit Shaquille O'Neal's toenail painter.
The colors of my feet on the screen represented their shape. The redder the color, the more parts of my foot were on the glass -- and my left foot was very red. I was halfway to winning a "flat foot" exemption from military service.
"That's why you feel a backache -- say, when you take long walks," the woman explained. She described some of my weekend strolls through the neighborhood perfectly. And all this time, I thought it was because I wore "court shoes" like for racquetball -- shoes so flat, they're perfect for squashing bugs in the kitchen.
The woman from the chiropractic office suggested I can alleviate the back pain by wearing special insoles in my shoes. I have a "store brand" pair in my running shoes -- but I put those in because I tend to wear out the padding already there. It's frustrating, because the "padding" I really want to eliminate is around my stomach.
(I don't have back pain when I run, apparently because I'm on the balls of my feet. So maybe there's another way to solve the flat-left-foot problem -- but I simply cannot imagine myself in Stiletto heels.)
I left Summerfest with a souvenir visor from the chiropractor, but NO appointment made to visit with him. In fact, I wasn't even given a printout of my feet! Keep in mind, my back was turned to the attendant as I stood on the foot leveler - so her real expertise may be in the computer "Paint" accessory.
A visit like this always reminds me of a public speaking club I attended in Atlanta years ago. One night a man talked about "chiropractic" - only he kept mispronouncing it "choir practice!" I thought these doctors worked with your bones, not your voice boxes....
Please stop staring at my feet now, and pay attention to some other weekend notes:
+ The Ledger-Enquirer revealed a second Columbus Police officer was arrested last week. Gregory Diltz was charged with "pointing a gun at another person." That's all we knew as of Sunday night - so is Shooters on Milgen Road about to be shut down?
+ A young man was shot in the leg, in the parking lot of "Club Antifreeze" on Buena Vista Road. I hope this young man makes a full recovery - but at a club named "Antifreeze," emotions aren't supposed to boil over like this.
+ The Columbus Catfish returned from a two-week road trip - only to find their homecoming game at Golden Park was postponed due to an unplayable field. It looks like the grounds crew needs to write one of those "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" essays.
+ Instant Message to Pastor Tony Dickerson of Pinehurst Baptist Church: That was an amazing statistic you mentioned on NBC-38 Sunday - that 86 percent of Columbus residents do NOT go to church. So aren't you jumping the gun a bit, to call your show the "Church Triumphant" telecast?
SONG OF THE DAY: Tiger Woods won the British Open golf title Sunday - and when the key turning point came at the 11th
hole, I suddenly was reminded of the old Dean Martin tune "That's Amore":
Tiger Woods leads by four. It's becoming a bore,
At The Open!
So he missed a few putts. All the rest are in ruts,
At The Open!
Vijay Singh - did a funny thing. Only a few shots ever went "cha-ching"
At The Open!
And Ol' Phil wasn't on the bill. Finish over par, and you will not thrill
At The Open!
Señor Olazabal could not get putts to fall at The Open,
Colin Mont-gom-er-ie failed to see victory, while at home.
Golf's best-known newlywed now can buy a nice bed - she's a hopin'.
Tiger's ruling the course like a Triple Crown horse
At The Open!!
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