17 JUL 05: TO TELL THE TRUTH

"Sir! Sir?!" sad a woman trying to get my attention Friday morning. I was at the dryer at my usual laundromat on South Lumpkin Road, but my back was turned to her as I sorted through my clothes. Dry ones go on the table. Wet ones go back in for another ten minutes. This day was like the weather - and the wet ones were winning.

"Can you help me?" the woman asked as she pointed outside. "My husband needs money for bus fare to get to Phenix City." Trouble was, I only had one quarter left in my pocket to finish the laundry - and my only "clothesline" at home consists of draping clothes over chairs.

"If you can wait about 20 minutes," I said offering a compromise, "when I finish my laundry I can drive you to Phenix City."

"That's OK. Can you give me a quarter, to get something to eat?" I didn't know they allowed food on METRA buses.

This routine was all too familiar for me. "No. You asked for bus fare to Phenix City." But in response, the woman said she really was hungry and wanted something to eat. From her big build, I doubted a few hours of fasting would have been fatal.

I've rehearsed this speech plenty of times thinking about other cases, so now this woman received it. "This is what frustrates me about so many beggars. The first thing they say is a lie, instead of being truthful and honest."

"I'm sorry." Was she sorry she was unethical and a liar - or sorry she slipped up and got caught?

"I'm going back to the first thing you said. You either let me drive you to Phenix City - or you get nothing."

"I'm sorry," the woman said again as she started to back toward the door. "I've been wanting to eat something over there." She pointed north on South Lumpkin - and since she was begging, perhaps Church's Chicken was a big trip.

"How much is this?" the woman then asked as she spotted a vending machine with snacks inside the laundromat. "I have a quarter. I really am hungry." I kept sorting laundry and said nothing - perhaps subconsciously thinking like a National Hockey League team owner.

No one was in the laundromat to a) give me support or b) provide other potential targets, so the woman walked out. "God bless you," she told me.

"Be honest and truthful," I firmly told her again. Come to think of it, I never saw the woman's alleged husband. If he got aboard that bus and left her behind....

Only seconds after the woman walked out, the manager of a dry cleaners next to the laundromat walked in. "Did that woman ask you for money, too?" I asked her.

"No," the manager answered - apparently not having seen the woman I was talking about. "I wouldn't have given her any." Not without a claim check, at least.

"I met a man at McDonald's the other day," the manager continued, "who was asking for money to get something to eat. I said I could go in with him and buy him something - but I said I had no money, so I'd have to write a check. He told me, 'I don't come that cheap, lady.'" But on South Lumpkin Road, isn't that almost required?

This woman wasn't the only one after me for a handout this past week. I received four phone calls in four days from the same telemarketing firm in California. You know it's repetitious when you can recite the offer to the caller, without him even offering it.

Star Communications seems to have a boiler room filled with immigrants from South Asia. They wanted me to try FREE for 14 days a plan providing free passes to movies, sports events and amusement parks. But I don't go to movies, my pastor preaches against amusement parks as dangerous -- and Columbus Catfish tickets aren't that expensive.

In exchange for trying this plan, I was promised $500 in discounts at leading department stores in my area. The callers never named those stores - and gas has become so expensive that a trip merely to Kohl's in Newnan seemed like a risky financial venture.

To try this "free" plan for 14 days, I'd have to pay only $4.95 in shipping and handling. And if this was the business I think it was, it would accept only my checking account number in payment. That's a dangerous thing to provide to strangers - but then again, four days of calls could mean they're actually staying in an office for awhile.

Four times this California boiler room called, including twice in 2 ½ hours on Tuesday morning. "Has anything changed with this offer since 8:15?" I asked the second caller. It hadn't - so apparently the number of movie passes is not affected by stock market trading in New York.

The callers didn't help their cause by speaking rapidly, rather loudly and with a South Asian accent I had trouble understanding. In fact, I told one caller to slow down his pitch -- and it was a bit liking exchanging hurricane-force winds for tropical storm force.

The calls came at 8:15 a.m. and 10:45 a.m. Tuesday, 6:25 p.m. Wednesday and 8:30 a.m. Friday. When I told the fourth caller no, the man seemed shocked. "Tell me, what do you want?" he asked.

"I really want you to stop calling me," I confessed. Having spent a summer working in a calling room during high school, I have a bit of sympathy for telemarketers. But their "freedom of speech" was making the "Do Not Call" list seem awfully tempting.

The fourth caller let me have it, in words I only half-understood. One sentence which came through loud and clear was: "Why are you wasting my time???" He said this, not me -- as if I'm the one calling California at 5:30 a.m. Pacific time.

The exasperated fourth caller finally hung up on me. Perhaps I wasted his time by not turning him down right off the bat, and not throwing a fit like that "down the rathole" man does with his daughter in that funny new Toyota commercial. Politeness isn't always welcomed by some people....

Having saved an estimated $5.20 in all this, let's catch up on other items from the last few days:

+ A Saturday night run revealed parts of the Columbus and Phenix City Riverwalks remain underwater. It's been a week now - and if this continues, AFLAC is going to suggest a synchronized swimming meet be held there.

+ A teenager in the church I attend brought a very creative treat - a cake baked and decorated to look like a goldfish bowl! It's a good thing a couple of the men in my congregation left their bait at home....

(I don't know which magazine gave the teen the idea for this - but the cake had mostly blue frosting, with blue fruit roll-up strips to look like waves. She even put Pepperidge Farm "goldfish" on the side. Sorry, no Columbus Catfish - because we follow Bible rules on eating those things.)

+ Columbus Police officer Philip Matteo was arrested and suspended, accused of writing false prescriptions for drugs such as oxycontin. Oh, for the good old days - when the only "Oxy" people really needed was Oxy-5 for their pimples.

+ Two unnamed Auburn Junior High School teachers resigned, after they were accused of calling up pornographic web sites on school computers. You don't HAVE to teach Spanish by showing your students steamy pictures of Paulina Rubio.

+ The Ledger-Enquirer reported Shaw High School coach Charlie Flowers probably will be named Muscogee County's first Director of Athletics Monday night. Hmmmm - which football coaches in Troup County nominated him for this job? Or was it some parents of Columbus High baseball players?

+ Auburn's Tommy Tuberville received the "Victor Award" as 2004 college football coach of the year. At least we can't accuse those people of rushing to a decision....

+ WRBL's "Restaurant Report Card" revealed Picasso Pizza on Broadway was marked down by health inspectors for having "roaches in the kitchen area." Uh-oh - I thought I asked for black olives....

+ Instant Message to the staff of McDonald's in Ladonia: I hope you enjoyed the surprise concert you had Saturday night. When the man in front of me in line sings sermons in an "African Baptist" style, I simply MUST promote my album -- but I wasn't sure what duets that man knew.

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