BURKARD'S BLOG

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29 JUL 03: LIFE IS UN-FAIR

Before we break some news, a dedication. Today's blog items are dedicated to the late Bob Hope, who has died at age 100. To borrow an item we wrote on LaughLine in 2000, it's too bad Jesse Jackson couldn't get out to California in time - to help "keep Hope alive."

But to our topic: a competing local blog claims we are now at the start of "fair season." Maybe in some places, but not
Columbus. We confirmed Monday the "Greater Columbus Fair" no longer exists! It's gone the way of that annual Ma Rainey blues festival -- which only lasted about one year.

Billboards for the Columbus Civic Center are promoting "The Festival at South Commons" in late September and early October. A spokeswoman for the Civic Center confirmed to me that's the new name of the Greater Columbus Fair. So for fair fans, the new rule apparently is B.Y.O.B. - Bring Your Own Blue-Ribbon.

Why drop the "fair" name for The Festival at South Commons? The Civic Center spokeswoman explained it several ways. For one thing: "It's not a fairground." So? When was the last time the Springer Opera House actually had an opera?

The woman also explained there's no "horticulture or agriculture" at the South Commons event, which would make it a fair. Apparently that petting zoo the last couple of years wasn't as popular as I thought.

(No horticulture at the Fair? All they'd have to do is invite florists to bring a few displays....)

C'mon now -- who says you have to have agriculture to hold a fair? Those farm animals in auction barns simply make things smell funny....

Look at some recent big events with "fair" in their names. There was the rock music "Lilith Fair." Well, then again, maybe something agricultural WAS passed around there -- marijuana.

Then there are the cities which hold annual "psychic fairs." They don't have agriculture -- unless you ask one of those psychics to predict how big the pecan crop is going to be.

The Festival at South Commons is a matter of "rebranding" the fair for changing times, the Civic Center spokeswoman told me. Well, at least this new name is understandable. I wonder how many visitors stop and scratch their heads when they see a "TSYS."

We'll have to wait and see whether the Civic Center's electronic sign will change along with the name change. For years the words "Greater Columbus Fair" were followed by three curious-looking circles. I guessed they symbolized the pawn shops people visit, hoping to get enough money to win a big prize.

PAIN-O-RAMA: Believe it or not, Monday was virtually pain-free for me. My biggest concern was dodging lightning during an afternoon thunderstorm - since a strike would have made it very hard to report my pain at all.

COMING WEDNESDAY: My chance to become an Internet millionaire.... again....