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18 DEC 03: HELPING HERBERT

As I write this, I'm ashamed for the city of Columbus - not to mention frustrated, and nearly outraged. My efforts to help a homeless man Wednesday were loaded with roadblocks. And no, this man did NOT have a small cloud hovering over his head.

3:45 p.m.: As I take an afternoon walk around South Commons, a man named Herbert is sitting on the black Olympic monument near Golden Park. "It sure is cold," he says to me.

"Yup. That's why I'm walking, and not in my shorts running." I tried running in my shorts one windy day recently when it was in the 40's F. -- and it was OK, as long as the wind was at your back.

"Say," Herbert asks as I walk by him, "do you know where the Salvation Army is?" Uh-oh. The only people who ask questions like that are beggars. Not even a single guy like me would think of going there for free food.

"It's at Second Avenue, about 18^th Street," I reply. Then Herbert begins a rapid-fire story about what he's doing sitting on that monument - so fast that I ask him to rewind his tape and start over.

"I came down here for my father's funeral," Herbert of Camden, New Jersey explains. Pointing to a Spectrum store across 4^th Street, he continues: "I was over there this morning asking to wash someone's car to get some money. He pulled a gun on me and told me to get away from the car." I should have asked if that man was an off-duty Sheriff's Deputy.

"Another woman I asked threw a cup of ice in my face." Yes, sir - Herbert is finding out about Columbus's good old Southern hospitality.

Herbert adds a third person turned him down for a money-making car wash, then "spat on me when my back was turned." He's in a Bible Belt town - and getting belted all over the place.

Herbert finally explains he's trying to get into the Salvation Army shelter, out of the cold. I offer to drive him there, and he accepts - but first says: "You need eight dollars to get in there."

"I've asked them about that, and it's not true." I asked during another encounter with a beggar a couple of years ago - a man who walked away from the Salvation Army building unhappy, after we arrived there. [BLOGGER'S NOTE: We'll share the rest of that strange story in a "LaughLine Rerun" this weekend....]

"A police officer told me you need eight dollars to get in," Herbert contends. This proves you don't need the Internet to start an "urban legend."

"We'll find out," I reply, and we walk around Golden Park and under the Oglethorpe Bridge to reach my car. I walk well ahead, because Herbert says he has bad feet. It's a wonder at this time of year they're not frostbitten.

4:00 p.m.: After getting my wallet with ten dollars in it, Herbert and I drive to the Salvation Army office. No, I was NOT lying to the beggar. It's called "reward food" after a good deed.

Herbert only has the clothes on his back. He tells me he received a warm winter coat earlier in the day from Fourth Street Baptist Church. If he became a baptized member, he might even get free day care - separate from the children, I'd presume.

Herbert admits he needs a good shower, and he smells like it. He's spent the last nine nights in an empty house in the Historic District. You mean there's still one which has NOT become a law office?

"I turned 38 last Thursday," Herbert says as we drive - only his speech isn't very succinct.

"You saw your Grandma last Thursday?" That's how it sounded to me.

"You have trouble hearing, don't you?" No, I heard you. You simply need a clearer mouth.

4:10 p.m.: We arrive at the Salvation Army, walk around to the "emergency shelter" in back - and find it doesn't open until 4:30. Maybe in Florida, there would be an early bird special.

Not sure what else to do, we walk around to the Salvation Army office facing Second Avenue. Does Herbert simply sign in? No, the woman at the front desk gives us a page of rules. "You need a picture I-D, and a sheet from the Columbus Police saying you passed a criminal background check." It sounds like you have to be a certified homeless person.

Problem #1: Herbert has no photo identification on him. "I misplaced it," he admits - apparently losing his wallet on the bus ride from Camden to Columbus. Why he put that in his checked luggage, I may never know.

The Salvation Army worker pulls out one of the "homeless hot list" cards that you may have seen around town, with instructions on where to go for aid in the Columbus area. She tells us to get a picture I-D at the Task Force for the Homeless office, at 1000 9^th Street. Someone without a car would have an all-day marathon walking to all these places.

As we head down Veterans Parkway, Herbert asks, "Can you buy me something to eat?" I remind him after the two-step requirement is met, the Salvation Army will provide him something to eat. Never let your stomach sidetrack you from your job.

"By the way," I ask Herbert, "does that sheet say anything about paying eight dollars to get in?" Sure enough, it does NOT. Apparently the eight dollars are "sweat equity" from meeting all the other requirements.

4:20 p.m.: Herbert and I drive to 1000 9^th Street, a door well hidden on the other side of Tenth Avenue. It's almost as if the Task Force doesn't want Columbus to know there are homeless people in it - and let's face it, you don't even see them that often in Valley Rescue Mission commercials.

Problem #2: a sign on the window says the Task Force for the Homeless moved its office December 1. It's now at 2221 Second Avenue - only a few blocks up the hill from the Salvation Army office. Didn't the woman at the Salvation Army realize that? Then again, does the United Way realize that yet?

4:30 p.m.: We retrace our tracks by car, and go back to Second Avenue. The Task Force for the Homeless office is a small one, on the corner of 23^rd Street. I can understand the change of location - now close to all three main Columbus shelters, in the heart of "down-and-out-town."

Problem #3: The sign outside the Task Force for the Homeless office says it's CLOSED on Wednesday! This leaves me flabbergasted. Is the staff out playing golf with wealthy doctors and bankers, trying to get donations?

I'd told the woman at the Salvation Army office about my past experience calling the Task Force for the Homeless, and how that phone seldom is answered. Now I understand why -- and I see why compared with other cities, this task force doesn't have much force.

(C'mon, Task Force staff - it's a cold afternoon in mid-December, and you're not open to help homeless people? The time for you to take vacation days is in July....)

Back in the car, I apologize to Herbert on behalf of the city of Columbus for the wild goose chase this has become. Maybe this is where some Uptown Columbus bars got the idea for an annual scavenger hunt.

So where would YOU go for a photo I-D card at a time like this? I vaguely recall Broadway has pawn shops - so maybe they do that sort of thing. The H.L. Green store used to do it, but it's now become "Larry's Giant Subs." Come to think of it, Herbert might have preferred stopping there first.

4:35 p.m.: Somewhat in desperation, I stop at a loan office on Broadway and ask where Herbert might be able to get a
photo I-D in the neighborhood. Problem #4: the office staff is stumped - and probably stunned that I'd walk in asking such a question. They'd rather I asked for help in buying a plasma TV for a Christmas gift.

Herbert is ready to give up and sleep one more night in the empty house -- but I talk him out of it. His need has turned into my personal quest. Besides, I realize there's an alternative to the Salvation Army - and my apartment is too messy right now for visitors.

4:40 p.m.: I try thinking outside the box, and drive to the Public Safety Center. Perhaps Herbert can get the criminal
background check first, and the police staff can help us find a photo identification place. After all, the Salvation Army was wrong once already today....

I remind Herbert as we walk into the Public Safety Building there are other shelters in Columbus besides the Salvation Army. Does he HAVE to stay there? Herbert doesn't answer the question - and I presume he's finally been overwhelmed by how wonderfully compassionate this city is.

Problem #5: No, you need a picture identification to have a police criminal background check conducted. The woman at the police counter suggests as a last resort, Herbert can get that I-D from the Sheriff's office on the fourth floor of the Government Center. He can get in line behind the deputies, being screened by the F.B.I.

(By the way, a criminal background check by Columbus Police costs five dollars. So if a picture I-D costs three, maybe that officer was right after all.)

Back in the car, I explain to Herbert I understand why the Salvation Army has its rules for admitting people into its shelter. But is the agency consistent with this -- for instance, when it hands out doughnuts and coffee outside apartment fires?

4:45 p.m.: We park the car on Ninth Street near the Government Center. But after an hour of fruitless driving in and
around downtown, Herbert has had enough. "I'll be all right," he says -- which I cannot believe, given all that's just gone wrong for us.

I ask Herbert about the other Columbus shelters - and he finally reveals he's stayed at both of them, and got kicked out. He doesn't explain why, so I presume he might have preferred a different Bible translation than the House of Mercy uses.

After going to all this trouble, I'm not willing to give Herbert up to that cold, empty house. "You can stay with me tonight," I tell him - and Herbert quickly accepts. Even homeless people can reach the point where they CANNOT be choosy.

(If worse came to worst, I was prepared to buy Herbert a motel room for the night. I did that in Atlanta several years ago - when a woman walked up to me at a gas station claiming to be a pregnant "virgin Mary.")

As we drive to my home, Herbert asks about dinner. I mention several options in my pantry and freezer - and he chooses canned chili. It certainly beats the last 24 hours, when he had to settle for "just plain chilly.

4:55 p.m.: I let Herbert into my apartment, and get a washcloth and towel so he finally can take a shower. "Do you have a spare pair of underwear?" he asks. I stockpile socks and slacks I see on special -- but the only time I overload on undies is when I go on vacation.

While Herbert showers in my bathroom, I make a few phone calls. The journalist in me spots an amazing news story here - and my supervisor is stunned I'd let this beggar stay with me at all. It's so much safer and neater, after all, to drop a couple of food cans in a barrel.

I also get out my Yellow Pages, and look under "photography." A call to Camera One finds they're open until 6:00. Compared to other places I'd visited today, this counts as expanded holiday hours.

5:15 p.m.: Herbert is out of the shower, as a TV reporter calls back. I let my guest talk with her directly - and she asks him
tougher questions than I'd asked all afternoon. My afternoon walk followed a series of computer problems at home, and I was thinking the meeting with Herbert was like the TV show "Joan of Arcadia."

Herbert tells the TV reporter he was kicked out of one Columbus shelter for missing a curfew by a couple of minutes, and booted from another for breaking rules relating to medications. Some of these missions apparently go beyond giving people a helping hand -- they practice faith healing as well.

Herbert hangs up the phone, and says the reporter wants to talk with me tomorrow (Thursday) for an interview. Once again my blog breaks news....

5:20 p.m.: I tell Herbert Camera One is still open, if he wants to get that picture I-D matter settled this afternoon. He senses Problem #6 and asks, "You don't want me to stay, do you?" No, he CAN stay - but he can learn a lesson in effective time management.

"You can eat now and get the photo I-D tomorrow, or get the I-D now and eat after that."

"That'll work."

"WHAT will? I gave you two choices."

After some hemming and hawing, Herbert says we can go get the picture I-D now. The can of chili I'd opened while he showered will stay in a pan on the stove - and it seems too cold for the cockroaches to come out of hiding and devour it first.

Back in the car we go, to head up Wynnton Hill -- but as we get in, Herbert asks a passing man at the apartment complex if he can have a cigarette. I'm not sure which statement Herbert heard first: the stranger turning him down, or me saying it's a no-smoking car.

I ask Herbert out of curiosity if he has a home back in Camden, New Jersey - and he says he does. I offer to buy him a bus ticket in the morning back north. That's probably more than all the shelters would do combined.

But minutes later, I realize if I buy Herbert a bus ticket, the TV reporter won't get her interview the next day. "She missed out on the story," Herbert replies. I couldn't have put it better myself.

As we pass Wendy's and Los Amigos on Wynnton Road, Herbert says, "Those places are making me hungry." Considering Herbert's claim that he hasn't eaten since Tuesday morning, any burger wrapper might have done that.

5:30 p.m.: We park behind Camera One, walk in the back door (or is that the front?) - and we're assisted by this year's winner of the Ashley Nix look-alike contest.

"This man needs a photo identification card," I explain.

"OK, but it won't be ready until tomorrow." Problem #6. Did you know trouble can come in six-packs?

It would be the lunch hour Thursday before a picture I-D would be ready from Camera One. You'd think a shop like this would have heard of digital cameras by now -- or at least Polaroids.

Turning to Herbert, I give him a choice: "Do you want to do this now, and get the I-D card tomorrow -- or go back to New Jersey without a card?"

"That'll work."

"WHAT will? I gave you two choices."

Herbert seems stunned by this, so the Ashley Nix look-alike suggests he think about it for a minute. She must be a holiday "temp" employee -- because my guest decides to do without for the night, costing her a sale.

Back down Wynnton Hill we go, and Herbert wants to know "what's happening with the chili?"

"What's happening with it? I opened the can while you were in the shower. I haven't turned the stove on yet, so it's sitting on the stove right now."

"But what's happening with it?" Either HE'S the one with the hearing problem - or he must think the chili is made with Mexican jumping beans.

Herbert finally explains he's wondering what I'll serve with the chili. I wonder if he has anything in mind. "A sandwich," he says - and with no lunch meat in the refrigerator, all I can offer is peanut butter and jelly. When you're a beggar, simple pleasures become much easier to accept.

"Let me ask you a question...." Herbert continues.

"You ask so many questions. Maybe YOU should be a TV reporter."

"Have you ever heard of the Tip Top Café?" Of course I had. It's on Ninth Street, one block from the Public Safety Center. "Can you buy me a couple of pieces of crispy chicken?"

This time he's finally crossing my line. "I'm making you dinner. I don't know why that's not sufficient for you...."

"It's sufficient. I'm just hungry." How DID Jesus do this in the Bible for 40 days and 40 nights?

Chili and a sandwich aren't enough for Herbert -- but I remember I have a frozen chicken dinner in my freezer. This will do for him. "I'll eat it," he assures me. Perhaps I should be thankful he hasn't eaten the carpeting on the car floor by now.

5:50 p.m.: It doesn't take long to heat the chili and bring out the sandwich items. I lead a dinner prayer, giving God credit for working in "mysterious ways" during the day. Only as I write this do I wish He had worked in OTHER ways - like keeping task force offices open five days a week.

Herbert lives up to his promise, and the chili and sandwich go quickly. He twiddles his thumbs at the kitchen table, while waiting for the chicken dinner to heat in the oven. He's fascinated by the cute kitchen timer I picked up as a gift, during the days when Peachtree Mall had a Ward's store - especially when I tell him tonight it's a "30-minute cow."

6:40 p.m.: With dinner eaten and Herbert sitting in my recliner before the TV, he asks: "When can I lay down?" Once again Peter Jennings has bored a news viewer....

I pull out a foldable futon I was left by a former roommate in suburban Atlanta years ago - and with a spare blanket on top, Herbert rests his head for the night. I go ahead and listen to the rest of "ABC World News Tonight" for him. He'll never believe that woman is the daughter of Senator Strom Thurmond -- or after this afternoon, maybe he just might.

COMING FRIDAY: What will morning bring, in our helping Herbert? We'll let you know, and offer some
conclusions/vents about this unlikely adventure....

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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17 DEC 03: THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS

I came home from work and errands Tuesday afternoon, just in time to find several police cars and white vehicles parked on First Avenue. For a second, I thought law officers finally had enough of my comments about the Kenneth Walker case....

My first sight after leaving the car was of law officers putting a man in a white outfit in handcuffs. I'm pleased to report both hands were behind the man's back - so none of the officers were aiming guns toward the man's head.

A Columbus Police Major told me the man was on an inmate "work detail" around Golden Park, and tried to make a break for it. The inmate apparently ran under the Oglethorpe Bridge at Broadway, then headed for First Avenue. When I took an afternoon jog in that direction hours later, I made sure my hands were up at all times.

The Columbus Police Major told me officers cornered the escaped inmate at MY First Avenue apartment complex. To think I could have been in the middle of all the action, taking pictures to share with you -- but NO! Shame on me for lingering at a Spectrum store, debating which brand of brownie to buy.

Police say the ten-minute chase ended on the other side of First Avenue, as the escapee was caught between two houses. These inmates simply don't think things through! A ten-minute run could bring them ten more years in the slammer.

For the record: almost all the officers at the scene of this capture were African-American. The only way racial profiling could have occurred in this case was if police decided to let the inmate run away.

This brief escape brought up old thoughts about inmate "work details" in my neighborhood. Crews come through the Historic District every few weeks throughout the year -- and sometimes they work so far from a supervisor, I wish the County Jail would buy some bungee cords for their wrists.

Yet some of the work details in the Historic District appear to border on the ridiculous. When giant riding lawn mowers are out in March before the grass is even one inch high, you can tell some branch of city government is trying to justify its budget.

(It must be nice to have a corner lot in the Historic District. Some of the work details mow so far inside the curb, the owners almost don't have to do any work on their own.)

BLOG UPDATE: Today's Ledger-Enquirer promises an article on plans to "get tough on parking violators downtown." Oh no! Is THAT what deputy sheriffs are going to do next?

TV reports late Tuesday night indicated Presidential candidate Al Sharpton will come to Columbus in the next two weeks. He'll speak about the killing of Kenneth Walker by a Deputy Sheriff on I-185. Then he'll head for The Loft, to do a comedy routine for his "Saturday Night Live" fans.

Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson announced Tuesday he's asked the F.B.I. to start a preliminary investigation of the killing of Kenneth Walker. This may not be good news for Walker's friends and supporters after all - because the F.B.I. has had trouble in recent years losing files and evidence.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson says he asked the F.B.I. to look into the case Monday - but waited until Tuesday afternoon to announce it, in respect for Kenneth Walker's funeral. Based on that logic, the sheriff's department may deliver a wreath to Walker's church sometime this weekend.

(We heard a police scanner call Tuesday morning referring to "F.B.I. background checks" - but we couldn't be sure if that referred to the Kenneth Walker case. For all we knew, Columbus Police might have found some officers who can speak Arabic.)

Sheriff Ralph Johnson finally explained Tuesday why he hasn't named the deputy who shot Kenneth Walker last Wednesday. He explained the deputy has a family, too. And come to think of it, it can take a few days to move everyone to a new unlisted address and phone number.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson told reporters naming the deputy right now would make a bad situation worse. As he put it: "You're all able to feel the tension." And here we thought that tension was left over from all the Auburn University graduates, upset with the trustees.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson added he's checking reports that a Sheriff's patrol car may have been vandalized in revenge for the killing of Kenneth Walker. The big question on our minds, of course, is whether any drugs were left in THAT vehicle....

The Muscogee County Sheriff held his news conference two hours after the funeral for Kenneth Walker. An estimated 2,000 people attended the service at St. Mary's Road United Methodist Church - compared with about 300 who rallied Monday at the Government Center. Is there a hidden message here? Would people rather cry first, and get angry later?

State Senator Ed Harbison attended the funeral for Kenneth Walker, and told WRBL he's convinced "double good" will come from what happened last Wednesday. We think that means he wants both the deputy AND the sheriff to resign....

Did you see WRBL's coverage of the Kenneth Walker funeral - with slow-motion video of people walking outside the church building, to recorded piano music? The last time we saw that station take that approach to an event, it was the final round of the Masters golf tournament.

Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff revealed he and his wife visited Kenneth Walker's family Monday night, to offer condolences. The Mayor was in New York when last week's shooting occurred - so perhaps he brought home some of that city's ideas for getting racist law officers off the hook in court.

Instant Message to Columbus Police Chief Willie Dozier: Is there a reason why you're not talking publicly about the Kenneth Walker case? After all, voters can't elect YOU to another term....

BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: We're still looking for suggestions to solve our moral dilemma, mentioned in the 14 Dec blog entry.
Write us, and please come to our rescue!

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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16 DEC 03: PROFILE SHOTS

About 300 people gathered outside the Government Center Monday, demanding changes in the wake of the shooting of Kenneth Walker. Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson says he was NOT invited to the event -- which shows he isn't watching TV news, because it was publicized as open to the public for days.

State Rep. Calvin Smyre told the crowd the killing of Kenneth Walker by an unnamed sheriff's deputy has put "a dark cloud" over Columbus. Shame on all of you who blamed the dreary weekend weather on the TV meteorologists.

Pastor Wayne Baker of the "Spirit-Filled Church" complained Saddam Hussein is being treated better in Iraq than Kenneth Walker was on Interstate 185 last week. At last he's found common ground with Columbus "good ol' boys" - because many of them wanted Saddam Hussein shot on sight, too.

Pastor Wayne Baker called for an end to "evil tactics of searches and seizure, which violate civil rights and human rights." Keep that quote in mind, if you plan to protest your taxes next April....

Edward Dubose of the NAACP urged the crowd to take action, in response to last week's shooting - for instance, by becoming registered to vote. That sounds nice, but hold on a minute. Didn't Sheriff Ralph Johnson run unopposed in the last election?

A main complaint at the Government Center rally was that law officers use "racial profiling" in pulling over possible suspects. Of course, this problem exists throughout our society. Each February, the African-American History Month profiles hardly ever mention people of other races.

WRBL reported speakers at the Government Center rally called for Sheriff Ralph Johnson to "step aside." Hasn't he already done that? He's passed the shooting investigation over to the G.B.I....

The Government Center rally reportedly also brought calls for a grand jury investigation of the Kenneth Walker shooting. This seems a little strange - because the names of grand jurors are kept as secret as that deputy who opened fire.

From the TV coverage I saw, only a few white people attended the Government Center rally. Perhaps many white business owners downtown spent their lunch hours buying security systems -- just in case....

Later in the day, Pastor William Howell of the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition called his own news conference at a church. He said he's trying to get Jesse Jackson to come to Columbus. Of course, Jackson's wife has been scheduling his trips for the last couple of years - and traveling with him at every opportunity (ahem).

William Howell of Rainbow/PUSH demanded the deputy sheriff who shot Kenneth Walker be removed from duty. And he wondered why the deputy's name still has not been released. We're glad to see Pastor Howell finally got around to reading this blog, after about four days....

The demands of the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition include "sensitivity training" for Muscogee County law officers. This really should be a two-way process. So to all blog readers, we ask -- please, no more doughnut jokes.

So who's speaking for the other side in the Kenneth Walker case? Jerry Laquire tried to do that on his TV-16 talk show "Final Edition" Monday night -- accusing Rep. Calvin Smyre of promoting "disunity in the community." So it's HIS fault? Somehow I doubt Mr. Smyre fired that gun....

Jerry Laquire told TV-16 viewers there are TWO victims from last week's incident on I-185: shooting victim Kenneth Walker, and the Sheriff's Deputy who fired the shot. Maybe so - but I don't think Laquire would use that sort of logic when it comes to Timothy McVeigh.

TV reports Monday night revealed only a slight bit more about the deputy who shot Kenneth Walker. Now we're told he's part of a Muscogee County SWAT team. If only the deputy had swatted Walker, instead of shooting....

LAUGHLINE RERUN:If you don't think racial profiling is done by all people groups, you should have been with us
about two years ago. We attended a Martin Luther King Day service at Three Arts Theater - and here's how we reported the end of that event, in the LaughLine of 22 Jan 02:

We talked briefly with an African-American woman as we left the M-L-K Day service. She told us she used to live in town, but moved awhile back. Then she said: "So are you a City Councilman or something?"

"No, I'm not."

"Oh. Nice meeting you...." The woman stepped away to talk with someone else. Truly racial profiling IS a universal problem.

BLOG UPDATE: Remember the 40 minutes my new atomic clock gained early Saturday? [13 Dec] When I woke up Monday morning, the clock's time was accurate again -- so maybe those 40 minutes simply were visiting for the weekend.

The instructions for the atomic clock note disruptions can occur due to "bad weather locally, or electrical storms between you and Colorado." This sounds like a sneaky way to get me to watch national maps on The Weather Channel....

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15 DEC 03: SEEKING CLOSURE

Several big events Sunday had the potential to close major wounds. Saddam Hussein was captured in Iraq. A community rally relating to the Kenneth Walker killing was held in Columbus. And the way the Falcons played in Indianapolis, they might as well close their season now.

I was driving around Columbus late Sunday morning when I heard the news about Saddam Hussein's arrest - but I didn't really grasp it. My radio was on "Ritmo Latino," where two announcers mentioned his name several times in Spanish. For all I could understand, some local holiday party had turned the Iraqi leader into a piñata.

Only when I got home and turned on public radio's "All Things Considered" at 5:00 p.m. did I realize what had happened near Tikrit. The pro football games didn't mention the capture between 4:00 and 5:00 -- and of course, NBC wouldn't dare interrupt a figure skating competition.

Area members of Congress were quick to issue statements praising the capture of Saddam Hussein. Yet for some reason, not one of them used the phrase "innocent until proven guilty...."

Even Alabama Governor Bob Riley issued a statement about the Saddam Hussein arrest. I guess this is because Alabama has a lot of reserve personnel deployed overseas - people who should be home spending money, helping the state fill that big budget gap.

Sunday evening brought a meeting at the Shirley Winston Recreation Center. It was promoted as an event for community healing, after the shooting of Kenneth Walker on I-185. From the looks of the crowd, hardly any white people in Columbus feel wounded at all.

A minister who organized Sunday night's healing event described it as a time for questions and answers. Trouble was, apparently no one from the Sheriff's Office attended - and the only people that office is answering to right now have G.B.I. badges.

Some people asked at the meeting what they could do to prevent a repeat of what happened to Kenneth Walker. I can hear some conservatives offering step one right now - when you're around a law officer, keep your hands open.

Another meeting of support for Kenneth Walker's family is planned today outside the Government Center. This one is organized by an alliance of ministers - so don't get them upset. They might walk around the building seven times, and shout loud enough to bring it all down.

(Instant Message to Miriam Tidwell: I'm waiting for you to announce plans for a "God Bless Deputy Sheriffs" rally. Or are you concerned about blowing someone's cover?)

I made my own attempt to promote "unity in the community" Sunday afternoon, by attending "customer appreciation day" at Millie's Corner on South Lumpkin Road. Nothing brings people together quite like someone handing out free food.

But there was one small problem: I showed up in the second hour of the free food giveaway - and all that remained was rice and sliced pork. Columbus is a small-scale version of the U.S. when it comes to this. The north side tends to be beef, while the south side is pork.

Millie's was one of the first big Hispanic business success stories in South Columbus. Her Caribbean food store in the Oakland Park Shopping Center has expanded to include a café, and for a while a meat market. I'm not sure why the meat market stopped - but maybe you should check Millie's big guard dog on the premises. [True!]

There now are two Hispanic food stores in the Oakland Park Shopping Center. When Millie's moved down the sidewalk a few years ago, Brito's Market opened. Brito's didn't have many customers when I walked by it Sunday - and didn't even try to compete by bringing in a mariachi band.

SONG OF THE DAY: Of course the capture of Iraq's former President deserves a song - one of celebration, as was sung when the Wicked Witch of the West died in "The Wizard of Oz":

They caught Saddam Hussein!

We think he is so insane.

Our troops have caught Saddam Hussein!

He spent months on the run,

Always moving with a gun.

Our troops have caught Saddam Hussein!

They found him down in a hole -

A HOLE! A hole, a hole!

It's called a "spider hole,"

But he's a rat who stole.

So now he will go on trial.

Mr. Bush can crack a smile.

Our troops have caught Saddam Hussein!

To offer a tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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14 DEC 03: THE BIG PIG DILEMMA

BLOGGER'S NOTE: The following phone call is fictional. But it's based on a real-life ethical puzzle I currently face....

"My phone number is 1-800 D-R L-A-U-R-A. Richard, welcome to the program."

"Hi, thanks for taking my call. I...."

"Wait. Are you your kids' mom?"

"Well - uhhh - no, I'm not."

"Well, why AREN'T you, then?"

"Because for one thing, I don't have any children."

"Oh. Go ahead."

"Thank you. My moral dilemma is about...."

"First of all, how many of my books have you read?"

"Uhhhh - none of them, but...."

"Then what you calling ME for? My books are at libraries. You can check them out for free, if you're one of those cheapskate singles."

"How did you know I was single?"

"How did I KNOW? It's my job. I'm the host. I'm Dr. Laura, as in 1-800 D-R L-A-U-R-A! People expect me to know these things."

"Oh, I see...."

"So the first thing you need to do is check out my books on dating and marriage, then - you don't sound Jewish. Are you?"

"Why, no...."

"Then you need to find a good synagogue, one where they preach against homosexuality...."

"But I keep Yom Kippur with fasting now."

"Oh. Well, I guess that's close enough. Now what else do you need?"

"OK. My moral dilemma stems from a party I went to the other night...."

"Annnnnd.... how many women did you canoodle?"

"What?"

"Canoodling. How many?"

"I don't think I canoodled. I didn't even touch the pasta salad."

"C'mon now! You went to a party. You're single. You have a moral dilemma. Why couldn't you keep your pants on in the first place?"

"But they WERE on - all night."

"SURE they were. I think she should keep the baby to term...."

"WHAT baby?"

"The one you're calling about, that developed at the party. Just because you got drunk and can't remember it -- you know, I don't tolerate lying callers on this broadcast."

"But I did NOT get drunk! All I had was diet cola! And I never got beyond a handshake with anybody there!"

"Well, I guess I'll play along with you. So you're at a party, and what happened?"

"Yes, I'm at the party - and one of my bosses comes over and leaves me an envelope."

"So? They were discreet about how they fired you. Did you want them to take the mike and announce it?"

"No wait, I was NOT fired!"

"You're going to be, if you keep canoodling women at parties, aren't you?"

"But I said I - I can't even find 'canoodling' in the dictionary!"

"You realize denial IS the first step in the grieving process."

"Yes, I know that, but...."

"And where did you learn that? Admit it -- from listening to ME, right?"

"No, I heard that from a minister on a religious telecast."

"Oh. So if he preached it, you should be doing it."

"What?"

"Grieving. You should have said 'excuse me' at the party politely, gone to the bathroom or to your car or something, and dealt with your grief over getting fired in private."

"But the envelope was NOT about my getting fired!"

"Then what WAS it about? You're being VERY difficult about this!"

"Me?!? Oh well - in this envelope, there was a gift certificate for groceries at Piggly Wiggly."

"Oh, so THAT'S what you're calling about. Well, I'd imagine they sell things other than pork at Piggly Wiggly."

"I know they do - or at least they used to."

"So what's the dilemma? If you feel guilty, buy some food and donate it to starving children in Africa."

"That's not quite it, Dr. Laura. You see, for more than five years I've boycotted Piggly Wiggly stores."

"And why do you do that? Do you really think that'll get them to stop selling pork?"

"It's not about the pork. In 1998, the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition here in town declared a boycott of Piggly Wiggly - and I've been abiding by it."

"They did that? I didn't see that mentioned on Fox News Channel. Why did they do that?"

"Because several employees chased down a shoplifter outside a store, sat on him while they waited for police -- and he died."

"They're boycotting Piggly Wiggly because of THAT?"

"Yes - and Rainbow/PUSH never has announced an end to the boycott, so I don't want to offend anyone by shopping there."

"Do they still have picket signs up outside the stores, after all this time?"

"Well, that's the thing. No, they don't. I never see Rainbow/PUSH out protesting anywhere. But they never said it was over."

"Then instead of calling me, you ought to be calling them."

"Call THEM?"

"Why not? Ask if they're still boycotting Piggly Wiggly - and if they're not, rat on 'em. You've got a blog. Do it!"

"But if they are - wait a minute. You know I have a blog?!?"

"I know these things, remember? And I know you've taken up all my time for this hour. Now go take on the day."

BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: What do you think I should do with this gift certificate? I'm interested in your suggestions and ideas. Write me and I'll consider them and share them here in coming days.

COMING MONDAY: The capture of Saddam, and attempts to heal Columbus....

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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13 DEC 03: CHANGING TIMES

Did I get a shock when I woke up this morning! Two of my clocks said 8:10 a.m. - but my newest clock read 8:50 a.m.! If only my checking account would gain numbers this quickly....

My newest clock is an "atomic" one, that's supposed to pick up a radio signal from Colorado and be absolutely accurate. So how in the world did it gain 40 minutes overnight? Is somebody starting a scientific version of the show "Punk'd" for The Learning Channel?

Apparently the problem with this atomic clock is that I can't follow the recommended instructions for it. They suggest putting it "near a window facing Fort Collins, Colorado." My apartment's windows are on the north and south sides. The west side is nothing but a wall -- and I've never even felt inspired by Jerusalem to pray facing it.

The instructions for the atomic clock also say you should keep it away from electrical appliances. I've placed it half-a-room away from my TV set -- but the clock IS near my stereo. Did tuning in "Hallelujah AM-1460" get this clock drunk with the Holy Spirit or something?

The atomic clock is stuck at 40 minutes fast until 2:00 a.m. That's when the instructions say the clock "will automatically update its time." Am I glad you can't use it as an alarm clock - because who knows when it might wake me up.

When I obtained the atomic clock this past week, a friend of mine noted it has a thermometer as well - and he told me to start reporting temperature readings on this blog. So for those of you who care: the high in the apartment today has been 63.4 degrees F. The low was 62.8 degrees. And thankfully, it hasn't rained in so far at all.

The atomic clock isn't the only one that's acted strangely for me. Last year I received a "motivational messenger clock" for singing at the wedding of one of my nieces. The clock sat on my kitchen table and refused to work for months - but suddenly it's sprung to life with cooler weather the last couple of weeks. Does this mean motivated people can't take the heat?

The kitchen clock not only keeps the time, but it shows a rotating series of 40 motivational messages. As I write this, the clock is showing this message: "The power of desire cannot be calculated." Well, that depends -- because some desires CAN be calculated. As in child support payments....

BLOG UPDATE: Saturday came and Saturday went, but still the Muscogee County Deputy Sheriff who shot and killed Kenneth Walker remained unnamed. For all we know, his "administrative leave" has turned into a house-hunting trip in Costa Rica.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson will say only that the deputy who shot Kenneth Walker on I-185 has "18 to 20 years" of experience. If he keeps covering up the person's name like this, the Sheriff's experience could end with the next election.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson says Muscogee County's investigation is over, and things were handled properly on I-185. Well, that was quick! The Columbus Police works just the opposite way - with the officer's name released right away, and weeks of investigation which never seem to end.

Sheriff Ralph Johnson says the Georgia Bureau of Investigation now will do its own check of the I-185 shooting. But Kenneth Walker's family wants a federal investigation - so wherever this deputy is, he could wind up at Guantanamo Bay.

(And if all else fails, Sheriff Johnson could face the biggest scare of all - a visit to Columbus by Jesse Jackson.)

Someone at church suggested to me today the name of the Muscogee County Deputy is being withheld "for security reasons." I'm not quite sure what he meant by that. From all we've heard, Kenneth Walker worked for Blue Cross -- not al-Qaeda.

Kenneth Walker's family has hired attorney Gary Parker, who says he plans to file a wrongful death suit against the Sheriff's Department. This certainly is understandable - but it raises a question. Why doesn't attorney Ken Nugent offer this in his TV commercials? He'd probably get a bigger payday than with all those car wrecks.

Now some other notes from a rainy December weekend:

+ Jimmy's Car Stereo on Manchester Expressway displayed this sign outside: "XM IS HERE. GIANT X MAS SALE." So is THAT what XM is - a radio station playing nothing but holiday music?

+ A car passed me on Veterans Parkway with an Alabama license plate saying: "GOD IN ME." I'd tell you more about this godly driver - but as I say, he passed me. And he was driving well above the speed limit....

+ Georgia and Georgia Tech's basketball games played in the "Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl Holiday Tournament" at Atlanta's Phillips Arena - and we noticed large numbers of empty seats. Someone must have goofed, and told fans the Atlanta Hawks were playing.

COMING SUNDAY: A special look at that ethics question we've promised you....

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12 DEC 03: WHAT'S MY LINE?

I've received three calls from BellSouth since Wednesday night - all notifying me my part of Columbus is now wired for D-S-L Internet service. So why haven't they sent me an e-mail notice, too? Would it take me too long to download the graphics?

My first phone call offering high-speed Internet service came a couple of weeks ago -- and I turned it down on the spot. To me, an "always-on" broadband line on my computer is a bit leaving my car doors unlocked all night. Maybe nothing will happen - or maybe a vagrant with nothing to lose will declare it home.

(I don't want to reveal my age - but I'm old enough to remember when "broadband' referred to The Go-Gos.)

The caller tried to convince me I'd really love high-speed Internet service, because I could download big files much faster. Of course, they never tell you the pop-up ads appear twice as fast, too....

It's nice to know BellSouth finally has put D-S-L service in my neighborhood. But did they REALLY have to call me three times in a 24-hour span to let me know? Or did somebody hack THEIR computers, to cause all those calls?

When my home first joined the online world on Thanksgiving weekend in 1999, BellSouth was my Internet Service Provider. But I switched companies when the monthly cost went up -- and contrary to what BellSouth commercials may show you, I do NOT have half a computer screen now.

This topic reminds me of a question that's been on my mind for months: how can "JOI" offer Internet access for only $6.95 a month? A check of its web site Thursday night didn't really offer any clues. It didn't even tell me how to invite the good-looking girl on the billboards over to my house -- for (ahem) "tech support.".

As it happens, AT&T announced Thursday it will begin offering telephone service over broadband Internet lines. So with a special adapter, you'll be able to talk on the phone while you're on the Web. For some women, the virtual shopping spree just became more real than ever.

BLOG UPDATE: The Auburn University Senate voted Thursday to censure President William Walker. But it did NOT have enough votes to demand his immediate resignation - so he can't live up to his last name quite yet.

William Walker addressed the Auburn University Senate, and admitted he made a big mistake with that coach recruiting trip to Louisville. For one thing, it cost the Tigers a future cupcake opponent on the football schedule.

William Walker revealed to the A.U. Senate he'll give up the President's position at Auburn - but not until his term ends in 2005. I've heard of a "lame duck" leader, but this one might as well ride around campus in a wheelchair.

Did you see the exchange between William Walker and one of the Auburn University Senators? The President claimed an angry man's question reminded him of a "lynch mob." You'd think Mr. Walker would know better than that - and not give Auburn fraternities any party ideas.

As William Walker took the heat, Auburn University extended the contract of head football coach Tommy Tuberville another year. He's now committed through 2008 - which means he could last longer than three A.U. Presidents, but still not outlast trustee Bobby Lowder.

Tommy Tuberville was in Nashville, attempting (!) to promote the upcoming "Music City Bowl" against Wisconsin. The Auburn coach told reporters, "You have two very good conferences....." Please notice he didn't dare say the TEAMS are very good....

Now some other quick notes from "Bill of Rights Day" - and you KNEW Thursday was Bill of Rights Day, didn't you?

+ An afternoon jog down the Riverwalk discovered a mini-waterfall is now running down a stairway next to the Trade Center. There also was a Char-Broil trailer with meat cooking on the grill - but I figured my chances were better for drinking water from that waterfall.

+ WRBL's "News 3 at Noon" offered tips for safe holiday lighting - and one of them on the screen said: "Don't run CHORDS under carpet." OK, I won't. But what about treble and bass clefs?

+ The Thursday night programming in Spanish on TV-16 was missing, for at least the second week in a row. It's hard to believe they ran out of people able to give Spanish-language interviews that quickly....

+ Instant Message to Muscogee County Sheriff Ralph Johnson: I'm sorry, but someone has to ask it - why won't you release the name of the Deputy who shot and killed an unarmed man on Interstate 185? Don't you normally wait to release the names of VICTIMS?

(This case is a reminder of how small-town Columbus really is. The name of the shooting Deputy wouldn't be kept secret in Cincinnati -- because civil rights groups in bullhorns would stage a sit-in at police headquarters until it was announced.)

SONG OF THE DAY: With the SafetyCab program starting for another holiday season, I'm reminded of one of my first song "rewrites" in Columbus - which I did to the Christian worship song "Majesty:"

SafetyCab - call for a SafetyCab.

It's a taxi that can get you home from the ball.

SafetyCab - you'll need a SafetyCab

If you are drunk, drunk as a skunk,

Give them a call!

You'll get stopped, stopped by a cop,

If you're drunk driving.

You'll be fined for D-U-I

And get put in jail!

SafetyCab - call for a SafetyCab.

It is so wise, it beats some guys

Paying your bail!

To offer a tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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11 DEC 03: RED CROSS-UP

For the second time in seven days, I walked to the Government Center Wednesday to donate blood. And for the second time in seven days, I was turned around and sent home WITHOUT donating. Apparently Red Cross workers feel I need the exercise more than they need my blood.

As a rather regular blood donor, I received a card before Thanksgiving urging me to give blood December 4 at the Government Center. But when I walked from my home to the tower that day, the security staff at the entrance had no idea what I was talking about. For them, "type A" usually refers to Mayor Poydasheff having a bad day.

The security staff knew some kind of gathering was going on at the Government Center December 4 - but it turned out I was led to the city employees' open enrollment day for insurance plans. The people at those tables didn't want my blood. They're more interested in my money.

It took a call to Atlanta on the downstairs security office phone to resolve the blood drive confusion. Even though my card said December 4, the Government Center blood drive actually was scheduled for December 10. Whoever mailed that card needs to be given a "big 10-4" - as in the difference between those numbers.

So I didn't waste time again, I called 1-800-GIVE-LIFE Tuesday night - the Red Cross blood drive hotline in Atlanta. The man on the phone confirmed for me the Government Center blood drive was ON for Wednesday. Now I'm starting to think this staff needs another phone number - 1-800 GET-A-CLUE.

At least this time the Government Center security staff had an answer when I said the words, "blood drive." They told me despite notices in the newspaper and other media, the Red Cross called at 8:00 a.m. Wednesday to cancel the drive. Shouldn't the staff be required to come down with a doctor's note or something?

The Government Center blood drive which was scheduled for December 4, then December 10, is now planned for sometime in January. So if you hear someone tell you the Red Cross has an "urgent need" for blood during the holiday season, remind them it's apparently not THAT urgent around here.

Security guards at the Government Center agreed with me that the Red Cross is hurting its own cause, by postponing and dropping blood drives like this. And I'm wondering if I'm better off NOT donating blood - since I would have gained weight on all the free cookies they offer you after the needles are out.

Before I moved to Columbus in 1997, I spent several months as a "temp" worker at the American Red Cross blood drive office in midtown Atlanta. Sad to say, occasional glitches with blood drives were common - only most of the time, they involved the blood collection staff laughing at donors too loudly behind their backs.

My duties with the Red Cross in Atlanta ranged from printing posters to reviewing "datasheets" on upcoming blood drives. Those sheets gave VERY detailed instructions about how to drive to locations across the northern half of Georgia. Apparently maps with blood stains can be confusing to read....

BLOG UPDATE: The Atlanta Falcons fired head coach and Americus native Dan Reeves Wednesday. Apparently the managers hold Reeves responsible for Michael Vick not having an unbreakable ankle.

Some people had seen a coaching change at the Falcons coming for weeks. In fact, Mark Bradley called for it in an Atlanta Journal-Constitution sports column a few weeks ago. Now we're trying to remember the last time an Atlanta sports team actually followed a columnist's instructions.

What else happened on Wednesday? Let's make a partial list:

+ Russell County School Superintendent Phillip Elder announced his resignation. How kind of him to give up his job, so that would-be Chief of Staff of Muscogee County schools with the expensive Russell County house can have one....

(Phillip Elder says he wants to remain in education, somewhere in East Alabama. He's counting on either the Phenix City school board to reject all the candidates for Superintendent - or he wants to be first in line to be the next Auburn University President.)

+ Members of the Columbus Cottonmouths paid a visit to sick children at the Medical Center. The hockey players truly showed compassion for the youngsters, by not wearing disinfected hockey gloves in the hospital rooms.

+ Former Cottonmouths coach Bruce Garber announced he's leaving hockey, to sell sports collectibles for a company in Phenix City. Whatever Garber's selling, you'd better buy it - else he'll call you all sorts of dirty names, and turn over tables.

COMING FRIDAY: A song for December taxi drivers, and the riders who need them....

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10 DEC 03: CIVIL WAR EAGLE

Auburn University was put on a year's probation Tuesday by an important college accrediting organization, the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools. So to put this in language most Auburn grads can understand - A.U. got SAC'ed.

SACS put Auburn University on probation for five specific reasons. The association's report did NOT list those reasons - but you can't help noticing there's one for every trustee being urged to resign.

SACS investigated Auburn for two years, amid reports the board of trustees "micro-managed" the university. Apparently the trustees didn't do that with everything - because microbes made birds sick at the Raptor Center.

A statement issued by Auburn University said it is "surprised and disappointed" by the SACS probation. Someone should check the original statement to see if it has liquid paper on it - with "SACS decision" replacing "football season."

The Auburn statement notes the university still has full accreditation by SACS -- which means it still can get corporate donations from Sak's in Birmingham.

(And throughout the administration building, Auburn officials keep muttering about why no one's mentioning the undefeated basketball team....)

The year of probation was announced only hours after Auburn's chapter of the "American Association of University Professors" approved a resolution, calling for several top officials to resign. Isn't it amazing how so many college educators strive for the protection of tenure, but they don't want trustees or presidents to have it?

Did you hear Dr. Virginia O'Leary explain why the university professors want a shake-up at Auburn? She specifically mentioned the "clandestine trip to Louisville" to meet with a football coach. She gave herself away as a professor right there - because everybody else in Auburn is calling it a SECRET trip.

The vote was 45-1 by Auburn University professors to demand the resignation of not only several trustees, but President William Walker and Athletic Director David Housel. We presume the one who voted no is being recruited by officials at Alabama -- or some other Southeastern Conference school....

Yet as storm clouds grew around William Walker's office, there was also news Tuesday that the President and Athletic Director will talk with Tommy Tuberville about extending the football coach's contract. They'd better hurry and lock that in - because the way things are going, Tuberville is going to wind up as Auburn President.

Believe it or not, this week's meeting about Tommy Tuberville's contract will take place NOT in Auburn - but in New York. This is a clever move for two reasons. The talks will occur hundreds of miles from the Alabama news media - and the big college football issue in New York is whether Notre Dame's coach should be fired.

Officials at Auburn say potential football recruits are raising questions about whether Tommy Tuberville will stay there for years to come. As long as reporters from the Opelika-Auburn News can follow Athletic Director David Housel's every move, the chances are good....

Now other highlights from a quite temperate Tuesday....

+ Columbus Council approved a new three-year lease for the arena football Wardogs. The team will get half the concession money from the Civic Center - so maybe now the portions for your money will be lineman-sized, instead of kicker-sized.

(Now will the Columbus Council kindly arrange new deals for the other three pro teams in town? At least the Wardogs have a contract, so you can hear their games on radio....)

+ Columbus Police announced they have an urgent need for bilingual officers, especially ones who can speak Spanish. After all, Taco Bell never posts details about the items on its menu anymore.

+ Richard Ussery stepped aside as Chief Executive Officer at T-SYS, but will remain with the company as Chairman of the Board. After what Ussery accomplished at the former Total System Services, his next goal may be to change his title to C-BOD.

+ Voters in Phenix City rejected two proposed changes in city government by wide margins. But then again, only about 2,000 people citywide cast ballots -- so most people apparently rejected the current government as well.

+ Georgia's basketball team was embarrassed at home, losing to Winthrop by 20 points. Some Bulldog fans went online after the game, to send "all is forgiven" e-mails to former coaches Jim Harrick and Ron Jirsa.

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9 DEC 03: ANYONE FOR SECOND'S?

Looking for a church building? Second Baptist Church has put its complex north of downtown Columbus up for sale. Imagine all the extra hand-me-downs Valley Rescue Mission could sell in there....

A sign outside Second Baptist Church says it's moving to a new location. We called the church office Monday, and learned the congregation plans to head for the area of Psalmond and Beaver Ruin Roads. So apparently there's a hidden pocket of sinners playing youth league baseball and golf.

A woman in the office told us Second Baptist Church has been on Second Avenue for more than 50 years. So "Second" won't be on Second much longer -- as that location apparently is now the second choice.

(This is an Abbott and Costello routine just waiting to happen. When it comes to Baptist Churches, "First" is on Second, Second will NOT be on Second - and I don't know what's on Third.)

I'm not sure why Second Baptist Church decided to move - but doesn't it seem strange that this congregation plans to move all the way to the other side of town? The last time I checked, people still were living nearby in Bibb City....

What seems even stranger about this move is that Second Baptist Church is located about a block away from the Valley Rescue Mission. Doesn't that mission provide a constant group of needy people, for the church to serve and help? Or is mission director Gary Hartman turning all the residents into Lutherans?

I've never been inside Second Baptist Church -- but I can't help wondering if it has a rivalry going with First Baptist. If you go to Second, does that make you a more humble Christian?

Now let's check some selected shorts from a milder Monday....

+ A preliminary military hearing began at Fort Benning, about the conduct of Army chaplain James Yee. If the case drags on for days, it could turn into "Yee Olde Hearing."

+ The Columbus area United Way reported it needs one million dollars by the end of the year, to meet its annual goal. I wish this agency would quit stealing my pitch lines....

+ Charles Lyle was interviewed for the Phenix City School Superintendent's job. He currently oversees schools in Long Beach, Mississippi - which could hurt him, if school board members remember Jack Russell's trips to nearby Biloxi.

+ Instant Message to the staff of Publix on Macon Road: I believe you sell Sprite in bottles of two liters - and not, as your sign says, "two LITTERS."

POEM OF THE DAY: Imagine if Dr. Seuss was still alive, and he was asked to write an urgent pamphlet for the Columbus Health Department:

What to do, to avoid the flu:

Cover your mouth, when you achoo.

Wash your hands each hour or two,

And bits of flu won't get in you.

Get a vaccine, use a spray,

And you can keep the flu away.

Buy some chicken noodle soup

In case you spit yellow goop.

But if by chance you catch the bug,

Please don't give your friends a hug.

They might tell you, "Go away, shoo!"

All because you have the flu.

Please don't try to catch a flight.

You'll just spread the bad bug's bite.

When you land and you're all through,

Those who flew will get flu, too.

Take precautions! Be aware!

Watch the folks you meet out there!

If you do all this, your crew

Will get through with no new flu.

COMING SOON: I have an ethics question. Can you help resolve it?....

To offer a tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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8 DEC 03: SIDE DISHES

Sunday was a travel day, as I drove to metro Atlanta on some personal matters. I was surprised to find plenty of open parking spaces around Shannon Mall in Union City - which may mean people don't celebrate Pearl Harbor Day the way they once did.

It wouldn't be a trip to the Atlanta area without at least one encounter with a beggar. "HOMELESS, I NEED CHANGE. THANKS," said the man's small cardboard sign at I-85 and Cleveland Avenue. If this man really wants a home in Atlanta, he'll need enough change to fill several giant trash cans.

I dared to roll down my car window, to get more details about the homeless man. "You need change. Why?"

"You want me to say?!?!" The man apparently didn't expect this. Since it was Sunday midday, the freeway traffic wasn't really noisy at all.

"No. The sign says you need change. Why?"

"Breakfast." Apparently the homeless man didn't have a watch, either - because it was shortly after noon.

I motioned to the homeless man to follow me to a Kroger store across the street from his corner. This used to be my neighborhood supermarket, but I hadn't been inside it in years. The homeless man obviously had - because he knew where to get a meal better than I did.

The wing stand in the front of the Kroger Citi-Center was closed on this Sunday. This alone was a surprise to me - because I really didn't think Truett Cathy of Chick-fil-A had that much clout in Atlanta.

The homeless man walked me over to the deli section of the Kroger store, where he ordered a big piece of fried chicken for himself. He wasn't interested in the prepared boxes of cold chicken sitting next to the deli counter, even though they had more pieces inside. Just because the sun was out did NOT mean a December heat wave was on the way.

With a 20-ounce bottle of Sprite tossed in, I wound up paying about three dollars for the homeless man's Sunday dinner. I did NOT give the man any change, either -- even though I probably would have been safe doing it. Atlanta still doesn't have Sunday liquor sales....

If that homeless man had been in Columbus, I might have offered to take the man in for the evening. But I was 100 miles from home -- and there was no afternoon Falcons game on the radio, to distract me from any delusional comments he might make.

Compared with Atlanta, Columbus doesn't really have a problem with homeless beggars on street corners. But other strange things have popped up along the roadside in recent days....

+ Victory Drive has a corner where you can buy recliners for $129. If the chairs are out in the elements like that, can I assume they're treated with Scotch-Gard?

+ Bradley Park Drive has a corner filled with what appear to be mini-motor scooters -- and a sign promises you can put them in a form of layaway until December 21. Oh really?! Where are they stored -- and has that trailer's tires been cut, so they can't be hauled away to Texas?

(Remind me not to shop at the Publix on Bradley Park Drive for the next couple of weeks. That's probably where the motor scooter customers are taking test drives - in the store aisles.)

+ Veterans Parkway has a corner where you can buy all sorts of flags. There's no better way to send a "peace on earth" message at this time of year than a Confederate flag in someone's stocking.

BLOG UPDATE: Auburn's football team accepted a bid Sunday night to meet Wisconsin in the "Music City Bowl." What an amazing, convenient choice for the Auburn trustees! That game is in Nashville - just a short three-hour drive down the interstate from Louisville.

Meanwhile, Georgia's Bulldogs will head for Orlando New Year's Day to take on Purdue This is amazing as well - as days later, much of the University will take on GOVERNOR Perdue at the state legislature.

(Nobody asked me, but.... why do they play the "Capital One Bowl" in Orlando? Shouldn't this bowl game be in Atlanta? After all, It IS a state capital.)

We don't want to overlook Georgia Tech, which will play a January bowl game in Boise, Idaho. But let's face it: 99 percent of the country WILL overlook that game, for good reason....

Georgia Tech will take on Tulsa, in Boise's "Humanitarian Bowl." Both teams will show how humanitarian they are on the morning of the game - by shoveling snow off the field.

In the big leagues, Atlanta beat Carolina shortly after midnight today on an interception return. But why did the Georgia Dome signs refer to the Falcon quarterback as "Mike Vick," after he claimed he wanted to be called Michael? I'm not even going to call him Vickie....

SCHEDULED TUESDAY: Wait a second: "Second" isn't on Second?....

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7 DEC 03: YEAR OF THE CATS

I don't believe what I saw on TV Saturday night. Louisiana State dominated Georgia, to win the Southeastern Conference title. Kansas State stomped Oklahoma to win the Big 12 title. But then came the biggest stunner of all - Bill Purvis of Cascade Hills Baptist Church doing a series of sermons based on "The Matrix."

Louisiana State beat Georgia 34-13, despite the alleged home-field advantage Tiger coach Nick Saban thought the Bulldogs would have at Atlanta's Georgia Dome. Was Saban really serious with that comment? That home field hasn't helped the Falcons much this season.

(Instant Message to Georgia quarterback David Greene: Do you realize when you put your red mouthpiece in your face mask, you look like a circus clown?)

If you turned off the halftime show at the S.E.C. Final in Atlanta, you missed an amazing moment. An insurance salesman from Mississippi made a 30-yard throw into a target, to win $400,000! Maybe now he'll tell his customers how little they REALLY need to pay for coverage.

After seeing that halftime winner, my hopes went up. I'd held onto two Dr. Pepper bottle caps for weeks, with "Match Cash" codes inside. But neither code was the winning one shown on CBS - so I failed to win $25. Only now as I write this do I realize I should have sold those caps on eBay.

(I guess I'll have to settle for writing a book about the last two years of Georgia football: "The Rise and Fall of the First Richt.")

As a Kansas graduate, I was torn by the Big 12 title tilt between Kansas State and Oklahoma. K.S.U. is an archrival. O.U. beats up the Jayhawks in football all the time -- but then again, K.S.U. has done the same thing for about ten years....

Top-ranked and undefeated Oklahoma took a 7-0 lead in Kansas City, but then Kansas State scored 35 points in a row to slaughter the Sooners and win the Big 12 crown. Maybe now Wildcat coach Bill Snyder will give my Jayhawks a fighting chance - and go become head coach at Army or something.

I was so stunned by the Big 12 Final that when the score reached 35-7, I called my brother and sister-in-law in Kansas City to share my shock. It turns out my Kansas State-attending niece and her husband were at home, and did NOT go to the game. It was cold enough in Kansas City that they would have wound up with noses as purple as K.S.U.'s uniforms.

Without realizing it, I called Kansas City as my brother and his family marked my youngest niece's birthday. She turned 21 on Thursday - and I guess this shows how straight-laced my family is. None of us have done anything bizarre enough to get us on a TV talk show.

By the way, my sister-in-law reports very few Kansas students are buying tickets for the Tangerine Bowl in Orlando [1 Dec]. She says the university is trying to sell travel packages for $1,000! How many days of admission does that get you at Disney World now -- two or three?

COMING MONDAY: Some strange sites along the roadside....

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6 DEC 03: MISTER KNOW-IT-ALL?

For some strange reason, my co-workers sometimes think I know the answer to everything. I have to keep telling them I DON'T know it all. After all, if I did, I'd be in a giant mansion in Puerto Rico with billions of dollars.

(A reminder to all blog readers: bloggers do NOT know everything. They only write like they do - which makes them a good bit like radio talk show hosts.)

I was reminded again this afternoon of how I do NOT know it all - thanks to a preschool-age girl. As I put away audio equipment at church, she approached me and pointed.

"What's that?"

"That's a microphone."

"Why????"

Why? Why is it a microphone? Uhhhhh - because it isn't smart enough to speak for itself?!

Of all the times not to have a wireless phone! I couldn't call the manufacturer of the microphone on the spot, to ask why the thing is a microphone. But then again, the little girl might have asked me next why that thing I was dialing is a telephone.

(Maybe I should blame all this on the two speakers at the church service. They both had "why" as the first word in their message titles.)

The preschooler came back to me a few minutes later with an announcement. "TWEET! TWEET! I'm a tweety bird!" No, I didn't think to ask why she was a tweety bird. The girl was too busy acting like one - throwing hidden things out from under the speaker's stand.

The little girl went on to share her knowledge of birds. "Birds have teeth. They can bite your face. Some birds have teeth, and they can bite you." Another reason at this time of the year to cook your turkey thoroughly....

Now for some quick bites from a chilly weekend:

+ A tire store on Manchester Expressway offered a free bicycle to anyone buying four Goodyear tires. Ohhhh - so I'm going to need some backup transportation for my car? Like maybe, after a flat?

+ Jack and Miriam Tidwell wrote a Ledger-Enquirer column, predicting Fort Benning's Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation "someday will win the Nobel Peace Prize." I'm sorry to burst their bubble - but if they didn't give one to Generals Douglas MacArthur and Norman Schwarzkopf, WHINSEC isn't close.

+ WRBL aired a commercial for the Columbus Housing Initiative - only the ad was completely in Spanish. Many viewers waiting for the start of the Southeastern Conference championship game probably were too drunk already to notice.

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5 DEC 03: MALL-VELOUS

Last Friday [28 Nov] I told you about my year-end rule concerning malls - not going unless it's an absolute emergency. But I confess I made an exception Wednesday night. And I'm amazed to report to use I was NOT trampled down, like that woman at a Florida Wal-Mart.

Remember the item on my "Give Thanks" list [26 Nov] about pre-Thanksgiving sales at Peachtree Mall? At that sale last week I found a small digital camera on sale for $56 - but the battery refused to charge when plugged into my home computer. It was again a reminder that Bill Gates holds the REAL power over the computer industry.

The Customer Service line for the digital camera concluded my power supply line had a problem. I could send the camera to Texas for repairs, or take it back to the mall for an exchange. The mall trip would save postage - and I figured I'd get some exercise walking to and from the farthest spot in a crowded parking lot, about a block away.

Yet amazingly, Peachtree Mall's parking lot near Penney's was NOT crowded Wednesday night. I was able to park only a short walk from the door. I'm not sure whether shoppers still are recovering from last weekend's fling - or all the Baptists were at mid-week services.

The cashier at Penney's never had taken an exchange before, but with some help from a supervisor all went smoothly. Then came the big surprise - the digital camera was now at a LOWER price, so I had a six-dollar credit card rebate coming! I never felt so smart about owning something so defective.

(And since I originally used a Peachtree Mall gift certificate, I wound up buying a small digital camera for a grand total of around three bucks! It was the closest I've ever come to feeling like a winner on "The Price is Right.")

Falsely feeling ridiculously wealthy, I dared to celebrate the exchange and discount by walking inside Peachtree Mall. And again I was stunned - as on this Wednesday night, it was NOT really crowded at all. Only once did I spot a "NASCAR fan's delight." You know, people walking four-wide....

How I wished my new digital camera was charged and ready when I stopped at the Peachtree Mall food court for a snack. I found a great picture of true love - when you let your girlfriend take a bite from your fudge brownie.

You'll be pleased to know I charged digital camera #2 all day Thursday, and it worked well in test shots Thursday night. I may start taking it all over the Columbus area - and start feeling even more like a small-town newspaper reporter.

Now some this-n-that from a thick-skied Thursday....

+ Port Columbus posted a sign promoting "Victorian Christmas this weekend." How desperate is this museum getting, when the staff has to show Civil War-era lingerie?

+ West Central Georgia Mental Hospital held its holiday party. Several patients marked the occasion by standing on tables and declaring themselves the Kings of Talbot County, Bulgaria and cyberspace.

+ The annual "Night of Lights" celebration downtown ended for the first time with a fireworks show. It's about time this was added - since for many Southerners, lights aren't any fun unless you have to try to outshout them.

+ Columbus Wardogs owner Ed Randel confirmed the arena football team will stay in town next year. In fact, he admitted he was "bluffing a little" about possibly selling or moving the team. The city's government access channel put Randel on the guest list for its first "Chattahoochee Valley Celebrity Poker Shootout."

(The Wardogs' training camp opens in March - and Ed Randel will be on to teach quarterbacks how to fake out people.)

+ A Christian bookstore in Auburn decided NOT to stock my debut CD. The music buyer explained it "didn't fit in stylistically" with what they're doing right now. Maybe I should have added a rap song, with a hip-hop beat?!

(The music buyer said my CD probably would have been put in the "Southern gospel" category. And I guess that's the problem - because I never say y'all on the album once.)

To offer a tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

Now you can order my new CD online with a credit card! Click on the link at my album page to do it
-- or head for Mustard Seed on Sidney Simons Boulevard, and ask for "One God Many Moods." And while you're here, enjoy some humorous thoughts about the area I call home.

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4 DEC 03: THAT FUNNY FEELING

The last time I picked up dinner at Wendy's on Victory Drive, I broke bad news to the staff about Michael Vick's injury. [16 Aug] The other night as I ate dinner there, the news came to me - but don't worry, I'm pleased to report I was NOT injured in any way.

As I enjoyed a two-burger night at Wendy's, a man with a big straight-up Afro hairstyle walked in. My first thought at the sight was: "Everything old is new again."

Yet a problem developed as the man tried to buy dinner. I noticed Tammy the cashier behind the Wendy's counter holding a ten-dollar bill up to the ceiling lights several times. Either she had doubts about the bill's authenticity, or she was requiring anyone with large bills to recite serial numbers.

A Wendy's manager came to the counter, apparently at Tammy's request. She tried to convince the manager she was holding a counterfeit ten-dollar bill, but he seemed skeptical. After all, it didn't have President Bush's picture on it....

I sat too far away to hear most of the conversation, but it ended with "Afro-man" walking away from Wendy's with his alleged ten-dollar bill in hand instead of a sackful of supper. Other fast-food places might have treated him differently - say, letting him have his way at Burger King.

The customer didn't seem to put up much of an argument over that ten-dollar bill. He simply walked to his car and drove away. I'm thankful for that -- as yes, the thought DID occur to me in that restaurant that he might reach for an AK-47, come back and open fire.

As I walked out the door, the journalist side of me had to stop and ask Tammy the cashier about that bill. She explained she held the bill up to the light because you can see a security line running through it. I tried this at home Wednesday night -- and indeed a vertical line says, "USA-TEN." No, it does NOT say, "Lobby Congress for more tax cuts."

Tammy told me she added another line to that alleged ten-dollar bill - and showed me a black Marks-A-Lot pen. That pen probably has other uses at a Wendy's restaurant. For instance, identifying a robbery suspect by the ink on his hand or shirt....

Tammy's tipoff to trouble with the ten-dollar bill was that "it felt funny." Hmmmm - like Wendy's customers who eat too many items from the Biggie menu.

Speaking of marked money: have you ever received a bill with the "Where's George" web site written on it? I was handed one on laundry day a few weeks ago - and I feared I might have to leave my clothes in the washer, rushing off after the change machine spat it back at me.

"Where's George" is a curious (play on words) web site, which allows you to track the serial numbers of dollar bills as they're passed around. This assumes everyone who receives a marked bill goes online and enters the information. If they don't, you may have given money to a mobster.

I first saw a marked "Where's George" bill a year or two ago, while eating dinner with my Pastor at Chef Lee's on Bradley Park Drive. That was truly a test of discipline - because my Pastor's very pro-Republican, and Presidential jokes would have put me in SO much trouble.

Now for some scattered notes from the Wednesday news....

+ Russell County Probate Judge Al Howard warned county commissioners they risk being impeached, for returning LeAnn Horne-Jordan to the Administrator's job. Hopefully reporters will head for Kinko's, to catch Tillman Pugh showing up to copy petitions.

(P.S. to the Wednesday discussion about changing Phenix City's government: Can you imagine what would happen in Columbus if officials tried to dump the City Manager after he left town for reserve duty? Jim Rhodes would be marching outside the Government Center with a bullhorn.)

+ Georgia state officials announced a federal bill will provide $500,000 for a new "regional transit system" in Clay, Quitman, Randolph and Stewart Counties. This will replace that area's current transit system - any neighbor with a working car.

+ Doctors in Athens reported University of Georgia Athletic Director Vince Dooley has a gastric ulcer. Well, we all know the man we can blame for THAT, don't we? Shall we send the bill to President Michael Adams's home, or his office?

+ The Auburn University Alumni Association wrote a letter to Alabama Governor Riley, demanding administrators and trustees be fired for making that football coach recruiting trip to Louisville. The letter calls that trip a "national embarrassment" - as if the shutout loss to Southern Cal was not.

COMING FRIDAY: Oh no, I have to break my "mall freeze!" What will happen?....

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3 DEC 03: POWER MONGERS?

Tuesday marked the last Phenix City Council meeting before a city vote on changing city government. If you haven't been keeping up with this story - no, it's not about surrendering for a state takeover.

The Phenix City Chamber of Commerce came out Tuesday against both parts of next Tuesday's referendum on changing city government. But is anyone really surprised by this? Many Chamber members are against change - because they prefer dollar bills, the bigger the better.

The Phenix City Chamber of Commerce surveyed its membership, and found 76 percent oppose changing to an elected school board. Well, at least the City Council-appointed board knows how to pick good high school football and basketball coaches.

The non-scientific survey also found a whopping 85 percent of Phenix City Chamber members oppose moving away from a City Manager form of government, to a full-time Mayor. The other 15 percent want former City Manager Bobby Gaylor to run for Mayor next year.

(So on both proposed changes, Chamber members prefer appointed officials to elected ones. But then again, they don't normally hold elections to choose business Presidents and CEO's.)

The results of the non-scientific survey were presented to Phenix City Council by Chamber of Commerce President Victor Cross. With a name like that, you'd think he would have opposed Sunday liquor sales.

There's a big overlooked point in the debate about dropping the City Manager in Phenix City. The talk of change began shortly after the current City Manager was called out of town, to military reserve duty. While he's serving our country, it appears some Council members would rather serve Mayor Sonny Coulter.

I didn't realize until Tuesday that only four Alabama cities have a City Manager form of government. Apparently most of the rest take what's called a "strong Mayor" approach - and if you try to be stronger than some Alabama Mayors, you risk getting thrown in jail.

Not wanting to be upstaged, Russell County Commissioners are expected to talk today about this week's return of Administrator LeeAnn Horne-Jordan. Some people now say the Administrator's job should be eliminated. This would bring one big advantage - fewer women at the courthouse for Tillman Pugh to harass.

Russell County Probate Judge Al Howard is the loudest critic of Administrator LeeAnn Horne-Jordan's return. He claims her presence on the job could cost the county a big insurance loss from a lawsuit. Which is interesting, considering her suspension LED to a lawsuit - from her attorney.

Let's see what other area governments were up to Tuesday....

+ The Harris County Commission passed a resolution supporting Roy Moore and the Ten Commandments - but it's NOT going to post the Commandments in the courthouse for now. This is a bit like telling the church Pastor: "Tithing? Yeah, that sounds good...." then dropping a dollar bill in the basket.

+ The Lee County government opened a new satellite tax office in Smith Station. The fact that this was opened with a big ceremony by smiling politicians shows Democrats are in charge....

+ The Columbus Council approved a "wish list" for next year's Georgia legislative session. Among other things, the city wants state money to build a new marina. You'd think by now, they would have found a better way - like assessing a big sales tax on speed boats.

+ Columbus Police announced the city had 99 shoplifting cases in November. This was presented on the evening news as a stunning, troubling holiday season development - totally ignoring the other statistic on the screen, showing 113 cases LAST November. Shoplifting is DOWN 13 percent! C'mon, guys, smile a little....

COMING THURSDAY: A cashier catches a counterfeit.... and your blog is there....

To offer a tip (news or financial) or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

THIS JUST IN! You now can order my album online with a credit card. Click on the "details" link below, then look for the credit card link on the album page!

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2 DEC 03: 9 + 54 = ??

Monday marked a mini-merger in The Mass Media of metro Columbus - but it might have left a few TV viewers confused. People watching Fox-54 may have seen promotions for another station. Now we apparently know why Fox-54 started calling itself "The Laugh Leader."

It's not a complete TV station merger, but WXTX Fox-54's control room has moved into the control room of another station. This is legal under what's called a "shared services contract" - the same sort of thing which has led to Kentucky Fried fish planks at Long John Silver's shops around town.

We're told Fox-54 still has separate owners and sales staff, but much of the rest of the station is now blended with another station. It's probably set up so the two signals can't be switched -- though it would be interesting to watch Peter Jennings interview the cartoon "King of the Hill" at 6:30 p.m.

(Consider the Clear Channel radio stations in Columbus. They've taken pains to make sure you never hear Rush Limbaugh during a set of soul music on "Magic 98.3.")

We didn't realize until Monday that Fox-54's sales staff works from an office near Britt David Road. Until Monday, the station studios were on the other side of Columbus along Buena Vista Road. They didn't have to prepare a "Tale of Two Cities" report - because they WERE one.

(So what will happen to the Fox-54 studios on Buena Vista? Columbus city leaders may have found a better place to put that new indoor skate park - complete with desks for jumping off.)

A friend pointed out to me Monday afternoon the station combination is filled with multiples of nine. Fox-54 is six times nine. Its new control room is at "Channel Nine." The transition led to nine job cuts. [True] And there's one thing he forgot - Fox carries Major League Baseball games, with nine-inning games and nine-player teams.

(So what do you think is next - a mix of the two stations on channel 63?)

This really isn't the first case of "station sharing" on Columbus TV. WRBL's 6:00 p.m. news has been rebroadcast on WCGT TV-16 at 7:00 p.m. for more than a year. About the only meaningful thing that did was chase talk show host Jerry Laquire completely off the air....

(But what do you know - hours after I wrote that joke, Jerry Laquire's talk show returned to the air on TV-16 Monday night! Of course, when the host can't remember the name of a street in his own neighborhood, maybe HE didn't expect to be back on, either.)

Then there's NBC-38, which has operated "WBG" for a couple of years - a cable channel showing the WB Network's programs. It's also where tired talk shows such as Ricki Lake's go to die....

BLOG UPDATE: Tommy Tuberville came out of seclusion Monday, and announced he WILL stay on as Auburn University's head football coach. It's hard to remember the last time a coach with a 7-5 record came out looking better than any of his bosses.

The Auburn University President and Athletic Director met in private with Tommy Tuberville, and apologized to him for that secret trip to Louisville. Next time, they'll make that trip in May -- when they can disguise it as a horse racing vacation.

Tommy Tuberville claims he never considered leaving Auburn, as details of the Louisville trip unfolded. For one thing, that 7-5 record wouldn't be good enough to get him the head coaching job at Nebraska....

Tommy Tuberville told reporters he plans to stay at Auburn for "a long time." The man who should be most concerned about this is Stan White. Another lousy season, and Tuberville's promise might be met by making him Auburn radio football analyst.

Tommy Tuberville dared to declare his goal is to win a national championship at Auburn. So when does he plan to become assistant coach of the swimming team?

Tommy Tuberville admitted after the events of the last two weeks, "we all have to learn to trust each other." If I stood in Coach Tuberville's shoes, I'd trust his bosses about as far as the Auburn punter can kick them.

Auburn Athletic Director David Housel said he's been trying to contact the University of Louisville, to apologize for that trip to recruit the Cardinals' coach. He considered it a simple trip to U-L, but it became a journey straight into H-E-*-L.

Now let's clear some things off the notepad, from the start of a new week:

+ A woman walked into the Mildred Terry Library branch the other day and demanded to know why her daughter was sent home before her planned pick-up time of 3:30 p.m. "Something could have happened to her," the mom complained. This mother somehow doesn't think things can happen to children left alone IN the library, too.

+ Phenix City police accused a man and woman of attempting to shoplift items from a Winn-Dixie store - then setting a Rottweiler dog on an employee who tried to stop them. C'mon, folks! Next time, simply drive back home and get your discount card.

+ Nobody asked me, but.... why is Michael Vick playing quarterback again? The Falcons are out of playoff contention. If you keep Vick on the bench the next four weeks, he won't aggravate his injury - and his team might wind up with a better draft pick.

(Besides, Michael Vick's heading to the Pro Bowl whether he plays or not. I have a Ritz Cracker box, which says a lucky winner gets to snack with him in Hawaii in February.)

+ Instant Message to Meineke Car Care at 901 Veterans Parkway: You are FIVE blocks from the Civic Center -- not four blocks as your latest mailing claims. Ninth Street to Fourth Street implies five. Next time you work on my car, I'm triple-checking your bill.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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1 DEC 03: DEPOSIT OF DRAMA

I'd pondered and considered the trip for a week -- and when the big day came, I prepared for it by splashing on a bit of cologne. All this was for a short trip to the bank. And no, I was NOT trying to sweet-talk the mortgage loan officers into lower rates for a house....

You see, there's a teller at my usual bank office whom I'll call Julie. She's attractive - and I learned from another teller that she's single. "She's a young lady," the other woman told me TWICE when Jules was away on vacation. I think that a Deep South code phrase for, "She's not shacking up."

I took one of Julie's business cards from the counter, and plotted a strategy for introducing myself to her. It helped that it was time for me to make a major money transfer to my checking account. Introductions to single women ought to go better when you can show them something worth four figures.

The introduction to Julie would be a major step of courage for me. I've never been married, and I'm not really surrounded by eligible women in my age range at church or the workplace. If Ms. Right was going to cross my path, she'd probably have to collide with my car.

(What do you mean, go to a singles bar? I couldn't even tell you where one is in Columbus. After all, they're not advertised that way in the phone book.)

Beyond that, my dating history has not been very successful. The last woman I was serious about received plenty of flowers from me, and we shared a couple of lunches in Atlanta and New York. Then she went to San Francisco and married a building contractor. Looking back, I guess size DOES matter - because he's about four inches taller than I.

(One friend at work in Atlanta described my interest in that woman this way: "You and that Calvin Klein cologne.... Obsession.")

Given this background, an introduction to Julie at the bank was going to be a BIG event for me. So I tried to make everything just right - waiting until after the latest possible lunch break, putting on a bit of cologne, and putting on something other than running shorts with worn-out holes in the insides of my thighs.

(I suppose I could have waited until after hours, and talked to Julie in the bank parking lot - but given my dating record, I might have been arrested for stalking.)

At the right hour last Tuesday afternoon, the big event came. It turned out Julie had no one waiting at the teller window, so I could walk right forward with my big deposit slip. She was looking nice as always, and even had plenty of blonde highlights added to her black hair. Or maybe it was the other way around - wow, some women can be SO mysterious.

During the transaction, I asked Julie if she had Thanksgiving plans. She was cooking, and I told her I was working that day. In a way, I wanted to tell her I had the day off. Isn't it true that many times, the way to a woman's heart is through a free meal?

Then came the Moment of Decision. I pulled out a business card I prepared from the LaughLine era, admitted to Julie I've never done something like this before -- then offered her the card and asked her to call me after work about getting together for lunch or dinner sometime. I'm realistic enough to know she wouldn't quit a good banking job on the spot for me....

How would Julie respond to this offer of at least friendship, and maybe more? Would she answer with three little words? Nope, Julie said five fairly large ones - "I already have a boyfriend."

I nodded a bit at Julie's reply -- since it sounded so familiar. For instance, there was the holiday dinner at my college scholarship hall, when I went 0-for-9 asking young women to join me. Even our college football team at Kansas had a better record that year.

(Oh, that reminds me: my alma mater Kansas is going to a football bowl game for the first time in eight years! But c'mon - $45 for a ticket to see a 6-6 team in the Tangerine Bowl? I don't want to buy a helmet with my seat....)

But I digress: I quietly told Julie I made the offer because I considered her attractive. She thanked me for the compliment -- but as I write this, she has NOT called the phone number on my card. This is why I don't play softball anymore, by the way. I strike out in that about as often as I do in romance.

Now for some quick notes on romance and other things, from a Sunday grocery run to a Publix store:

+ If a woman's by herself wearing a fur coat inside a supermarket - forget it. She's married already.

+ A loaf of "Atkins Diet" low-carbohydrate bread costs $4.99? As much as a package of fudge in the same rack?? Now I know this thing is a racket - and may be sending the wrong message to our children.

+ Why do the signs in Publix's aisles say "Happy Chanukah?" Shouldn't they be consistent, and spell it "Chappy?"

+ One check-out lane had a "white shield' magazine cover over Gourmet magazine - and all the cover showed was a couple of cooked Thanksgiving birds! At least they're consistent when it comes to exposed br**sts....

E-MAIL UPDATE: Last week's list of things we're thankful for [26 Nov] brought this nice surprise:

Happy Thanksgiving Richard! Just a quick note to say I'm thankful for your blog. Sometimes infuriating, usually amusing, always entertaining. My day isn't complete without a check of the website. You make me laugh (even when the humor hits a bit close to home). Hope all is going well for you.
Perhaps I'll see you at Scrabble night in the future.

Blaine Stewart

Anchor/Problem Solver, WRBL-TV....

I'm thankful Blaine has a sense of humor about the things I post here, because I'm not always sure his co-workers do. Of course, I'd be even more thankful if he set me up with Amy Giuliano.

(Hmmmm - humor. Is that nine Scrabble points, or ten?)

To offer a tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.

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30 NOV 03: HERE, YOU WRITE THE BLOG

BLOGGER'S NOTE: I've decided to take part of Thanksgiving Weekend off from blogging. Instead, I've compiled a set of jokes others have passed on to me this year. Hope you enjoy them!

It was Palm Sunday and because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the
family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as He walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "and how old would you be if you let go?"

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

The Church School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied, "we don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?"

"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit."

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it
leaves a red mark on his forehead.

Then there's the one about U.S. Airways introducing a special half-fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the P.R. department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." (Thanks to Sandy Collins in Lee County, Alabama for all of the above!)

I've been playing "The Sims" video game a lot lately and I keep dreaming I'm one of the Sims. What an exciting life I lead.
(From Kristen Eve in Memphis)

Your hamlet sounds remarkably like mine. It's a simmering stew of the old-money (we call them the WWDD's--- When Will Daddy Die?).... (From Diane Welker in Clarksville, Tennessee)

"S-O-A - Same Old A**holes." (From a Columbus TV employee whom we're keeping anonymous)

To offer a tip or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.