23 MAR 06: FLUSH THE LANES

And you thought the Columbus Police Department was short on staff, and hard pressed to fight crime. Wednesday's news showed just the opposite. When officers aren't waiting out possible hostage-takers at businesses, they're cruising shopping centers to clear out fire lanes....

The Columbus SWAT team peacefully resolved a tense standoff at Custom Windows on Metro Drive. Chief Rick (until further notice) Boren says Steve Purdie fired shots at a co-worker, and talked about killing President Bush. And even stranger - Purdie doesn't look like a radical Muslim at all.

But I want to focus on the next big police project. A proposal in Columbus Council would increase the fine fourfold, for parking in fire lanes. We don't want firefighters raising money to fight muscular dystrophy in the middle of the parking lot, do we?

If you're caught parking in a Columbus fire lane, the current fine is 50 dollars. Columbus Council will vote next week on increasing it to 200 dollars - which will be serious money around here until the new Kia plant opens.

If you think a 200-dollar fine for fire lane parking is bad, consider this. The fine for illegally parking in a reserved disabled space in Columbus is 500 dollars -- not to mention the humiliation of military veterans jotting down your license number, and spreading it all over town.

The proposal to increase fire lane fines has the backing of Columbus's "Homeland Security Director." I laughed when I first saw this - but then I realized car bombers might park in fire lanes. Of course, a faithful suicide bomber wouldn't really care how big the fine is....

Why do people park illegally in fire lanes near the front doors of businesses, anyway? Some people admit they do it because they're in a hurry. And I suppose some Green Island residents might expect a valet to come out and park the car FOR them.

But I have another theory about fire lane parkers -- that it's a sign of celebrity. When Deion Sanders played pro sports in Atlanta, he was ticketed late one night for blocking a supermarket fire lane. It was a big local news story -- and for years when I talked about the "Deion Sanders Parking Rule," the plugged-in guys understood.

Even people who aren't sports stars seem to park in fire lanes as an attention-getter. For instance, they might want to show off their fancy cars or their ridiculously loud stereo systems. But I've never seen a group of "fly girls" gather outside those cars, and start hip-hop dancing.

I can hear the critics of this big fine now. They say Columbus city government should forget about fire lanes, and focus on the "REAL criminals" - and they're the ones I want to follow on a shopping trip, to see where THEY park.

But doesn't small-time crime often lead to bigger offensives? Let people block a fire lane today, and they might drag-race down the interstate tomorrow - which at least would open the fire lanes for emergency vehicles.

So how does Columbus compare with other cities, when it comes to fire lane violations? Someone told me Wednesday the fine in Phenix City isn't 50 dollars - it's only FIVE. Maybe it should be renamed: "Phenix City, the No-Inflation City."

E-MAIL UPDATE: We missed the latest update on the Muscogee County school dress code, but one of our blog readers did not:

I see where the MCSD board has approved the wearing of hoodies,if the hoods are not worn over the head..Who on the board suggested that they be banned in the first place? Bet they don't have children or grans...I bet old Navy thinks, "Gee willies,I wish that board would make up their mind before the order for fall school clothes goes in."

Maybe it wasn't a clothing issue, but a grooming one. The school board doesn't want any student to be picked on for "hoodie hair" during the winter.

By the way: which local school board member recently wound up waiting seven hours for a western flight, because he misread the ticket departure time and showed up late? Maybe we need a magnet school for travel agents....

Now before the hour draws too late for us, let's check other developments from Wednesday:

+ A local lawmaker feud erupted at the Georgia General Assembly. Rep. Debbie Buckner spoke against Sen. Seth Harp's proposal to reduce the amount of buffer space between developments and streams. Maybe they should have a duel in a buffer zone - with Buckner standing in a river, and Harp in a high-rise building.

+ U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert came to Georgia, and endorsed returning Mac Collins to Congress. I didn't realize Collins was trying to return to Washington - so maybe his condo there hasn't sold as quickly as he expected.

(Mac Collins seems to have learned a lesson from his failed U.S. Senate bid of 2004. He actually appears to be campaigning more than a month before the primary.)

+ WRBL reported the original B. Merrill's restaurant on Manchester Expressway has closed. This actually could be good news for many people. The Dunkin Donuts shop next door needs a bigger building for those Saturday morning lines.

+ WDAK's Val McGuinness declared during "The Morning Show" groups which stage protests outside funerals should "have their b**ts whipped." Now hold on here - isn't that something Muslim extremists do at funerals? Retaliate, I mean....

+ Former Auburn University wide receiver Dale Overton was beaten up at a high school baseball game. Overton coaches Beauregard's junior varsity team, and a parent reportedly was upset about his son not playing enough. This is why old cheers like "fight, team, fight" are out of style today.

+ Three members of the Columbus Cottonmouths were named to the S.P.H.L. year-end all-league team. They include Tim Green, who led the league in scoring with 41 goals. So when will the Snakes wear bright-green uniforms in his honor?

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